So Josh is gone on vacation. Sad, I know. You log onto EW.com, hoping to find out what your regular recap writer thinks about the latest Big Brother eviction, and then you find…me, Kateus Wardus, someone who is normally half as funny as Josh, and even less so today, thanks to all the IQ points I lose watching this show. And just how does it affect me? I lose so many brain cells, that for three hours a week, it’s hard to focus on anything other than inappropriate placement of pool slides and whether or not I should invest in some muscle powder while — oh, something shiny! Sorry about that. So instead of reading witty discourse from Josh, you’re stuck with my half-baked musings. But hang in there! He’ll be back soon. Now, let’s get down to business before a squirrel walks by my window and distracts me again.
We started where we left off Sunday: on a nauseating swing that sent the houseguests flying into a giant burrito. Actually, the whole HOH competition looked more fun than it did treacherous, which is maybe why producers bait the houseguests with prizes — the first few to drop would be able to choose a box with unspecified content. Though most of the eliminated contestants got nothing, the first two to drop received some pretty dope prizes: Kevin picked the package that contained $5,000, and Lydia won a 42-inch flat screen TV. Of course, neither was happy with their booty — Kevin would have preferred to stay in longer so he could win Head of Household, while Lydia was hoping her box would contain Jessie’s severed ear.
Jordan, meanwhile, was granted a special power thanks to her package: the ability to choose three housemates to be have-nots for the week (she ended up picking their names out of a hat — Jessie, Kevin and Natalie, who used her slop pass). But mostly, the houseguests were just forced to watch their more muscle-bound competitors — plus Michele — dangle from their perches until they dropped. Too bad Michele went out with a hilarious bang. This girl is quickly becoming the only reason to watch the competitions: First, she wipes out in the mud after winning last week’s POV, and now, she somehow loses her pants while falling from her seat? The only thing I loved more than watching that is watching the way Big Brother houseguests treat their competitors during these endurance challenges. Seriously, the way they race over to their fallen comrades — brandishing blankets and using high-pitched tones normally reserved for folks who, say, get shot, or at least bitten by a shark or something — is absolutely ridiculous. I half expect someone to break out and say, Doctor, get him some water and a towel, stat! This man’s been through hell! He’s been riding on a giant carnival swing for 30 minutes! Oh the humanity!
It was a fight to the finish for jocks Russell and Jeff, who endured being twirled in a circle for nearly three-and-a half hours before succumbing to the crotch pain. And like most Big Brother endurance challenges, this one ended with a deal: Russell told Jeff he wanted Ronnie out, and would swear to protect Jeff and Jordan if he were made HOH. Jeff was rightly suspicious, and told Russell he would jump off if he swore to the deal on his injured father. Of course, swearing on your injured father in the Big Brother house is no more sacred than swearing on a plate of mashed potatoes, but Jeff was willing to take that chance. Russell claimed the HOH, which meant he got ”to do whatever I want!” Like unleash his ‘roid rage on a different wall in the house. But really, I feel Russell wholly deserved the title, if only for the fact that he was in direct line of Natalie’s projectile vomit during the competition. (Side note: Anyone else really liking this Russell-Jeff alliance? They’re the ying to each other’s yang — Russell is Hulk, while Jeff is Bruce Banner. And how can that not turn out well?)
NEXT: Who’s the snake in the grass?