”Big Brother” recap: The final two
First, some news you can’t use: Apparently, we have Barack Obama to thank for making sure this excruciating season will come to an end this Sunday and not sometime next week. Had the candidate agreed to debate Hillary, CBS would have bumped the finale for a Katie Couric-hosted CBS News special this Sunday, and we would have been forced to endure the so-called bromance between Ryan and Adam for a few more painful days. So thank you, Obama: This here Republican knew you were the right choice for president.
Before we jump ahead, though, one must take the time to look back: I can’t remember the last time in Big Brother‘s storied history when I approved of the final three, but I’m pleased to say that I finally did this time. Despite the incredible impatience and frustration I felt concerning this season’s entire herd of idiots, I was genuinely happy to see Adam, Sheila, and Ryan make it to the final week and earn their chance to play in the last head-of-household competition. I had nothing against Sharon, really; she turned out to be the nicest gal of the whole sorry lot, and despite her momentary lapse of judgment earlier in the season when she sucked face with Matt during that infamous bacchanal, she really had nothing to be embarrassed about since entering the house in February. And what more can anyone hope for, really, when signing up for a game like this? So congratulations, Sharon: You leave with your self-respect intact. Try not to flaunt it in front of that pitiful Naughty Nat.
Since we’re about to start making our picks for the finale this Sunday, we can look back to the events of last Wednesday, April 16, to help us decide who is really more deserving of the $500K. (Click here to watch episodes.) I don’t think it’s much of a stretch to say Adam sealed his fate when he mouthed to Natalie that he voted for her to stay. I doubt if many jurors had been pulling for him — Ryan is far more likable — but Baller could have improved his chances had he just kept his mouth shut and stuck with his bromance’s strategy to keep Natalie in the dark about who voted against her. Now I’m convinced Natalie will report back to the jury about Adam’s wishy-washiness, which should prompt the jurors to grill Baller far more than Ryan about his duplicity throughout the game. There is only so much that Sheila can say about her beloved (yet cowardly) partner-in-crime. It could be a good finale.
On to Sunday, April 20. You know the producers were just giddy with delight over how their trick question about previous relationships put the final four in a tailspin. Poor, pitiful Sheila, thinking that she was somehow related to Ryan in some crazy parallel universe. (In fact, she’s probably still hoping that’s true, since he seems likely to win the $500K and then maybe he can fork over a loan. I wonder when Allison Grodner will crush Sheila’s world and expose the truth). Beyond those initial highlights, Sunday’s episode was bloody laborious, starting with Ryan’s declaration of love for his nasty gal pal, Jen (dude, she said you were racist before leaving the house!), which was followed by another lame movie night in the HOH room. I’m now fully accustomed to fast-forwarding through these advertiser-driven moments, mostly because any movie that’s endorsed by a BB houseguest is not worth seeing. These knuckleheads would give a unanimous thumbs-up to a Baby Einstein video, so I will hardly value their opinion about the next Ashton Kutcher starrer.
NEXT: Sheila and Adam’s chains of love
As for Tuesday and Wednesday, this will probably raise your ire, but I found Sheila and Adam utterly charming together, especially when they were shackled after having lost the luxury comp. Sure, Sheila snapped at Adam incessantly — but seeing her crawl into bed with Adam while wearing nothing but her bra and panties was all the proof I needed to know that these truly liked and respected each other. So it made me very happy to learn that Baller had successfully persuaded Ryan an hour before Tuesday’s eviction that booting Sharon was the smarter decision. Just as Adam predicted, Sheila would end up choking big-time during stages 1 and 2 of the final HOH competition, whereas Sharon might have proven victorious in at least one of those challenges. And the boys probably wouldn’t have been able to intimidate Teflon Sharon in that first challenge quite the way they did Sheila, who ended up focusing far too much on the water temperature when she should have been thinking about the prize. She held on for a measly 36 minutes! Supposedly she was haunted by having almost ”drown-dead” while swimming in the ocean, but I’m fairly certain her frightening memory was nothing more than an excuse to drop out simply because she got cold. Even her contemporary, Evel Dick, didn’t whine about the water temperature in that gigantic container last season when he was vying for the final HOH. Sheila deserved to go right then and there, though I wouldn’t have faulted Ryan for keeping her instead of Adam.
I’m fairly certain that Ryan will win the cash, but there is a chance his ties to Matt could hurt him in the end and prompt some of the jurors to vote for Adam. Ryan might have had a much easier time opposite Sheila, who basically won squat while living in the house. Still, this seems like his game to lose.
Some final thoughts for this penultimate column: The look on James’ face when Sharon walked into the door was pretty friggin’ priceless, as was Chelsia’s prediction that her hometown paper would only focus on her showmance and not how she licked whip cream off of Naughty Nat’s boobs. I was saddened to see that Nat hadn’t gotten over her irrational obsession with Matty (I fear for her mental health; I really do), though I wasn’t surprised to see that egomaniac brag about how ”Team Matty” was the last alliance standing. He really is a nitwit, people — more so than Joshuah. And I’m hoping that someone out there might have heard what Adam was saying when the mike went dead in those fleeting moments after Sheila left the house. You East Coasters might have heard more than I did in California; all I could make out was the phrase ”dumb ass.” Could anyone tell me what he said?
So what do you think? Will Ryan win the pot of gold? Will Adam charm the pants off the jury? Is Sheila’s red chest rash in serious need of medical attention? Let’s meet back here again after Sunday’s show!