We began with a short flashback. The year was Yesterday, AD: Frankie’s final day inside of the Big Brother house. Frankie went to talk to Derrick. Derrick was his closest friend in the house; he knew there was no way that Derrick would ever lie to him. “Am I going home?” he asked. Derrick told him the truth, and the truth wasn’t “No.”
Frankie did not go quietly into that fair night. Oh how he raged, raged against the dying of the light! He assembled his team together in the HoH throne room: A throne room where once upon a time King Frankie held dominance. From where Frankie sat, he had been a good and noble leader: a leader of his assembled Knights of the Round Rainbow, an honest player.
The claws came out. He told everyone that, the second he left the house, he would become the most powerful person in the Jury House–which is kind of like being the most powerful man in the graveyard. “When I step out of those doors, you are reconnecting me with the jury,” he said. “When I step out of those doors, you are reconnecting me with my millions of followers.”
The alliance was not swayed. “You are not f—ing Jesus in this house,” said Cody. “If it was me and you in the final two, I’d smoke you!” screamed Caleb. Frankie looked at Caleb the way a betrayed King looks at his son the prince, right before the prince cuts his father’s head off: “You don’t know what’s been going on in this game.”
The truth is a dangerous thing. No one knows that better than Derrick, the Master of Secrets, who has wrapped himself in a force field of half-lies for three long months now. He played the role of diplomat. “Bottom line,” he said, “Is I respect you as a player.” Another vote against Caleb, against Cody; another vote for Derrick.
Big Brother strategy, according to Victoria and Caleb:
Wednesday night turned out to be Caleb’s swan song inside of the Big Brother house. Knowing that in advance, the demented Estonian psych-ward matriarchs who secretly control Big Brother structured the episode as a veritable Greatest Hits collection of Great Caleb moments. Derrick helped, with a little bit of strategy. He convinced Caleb to volunteer to step up to the block, for an incredible fourth time this season.
Caleb is a simple man. He believes in loyalty. He believes in staying true to his apadres. He believes that he is the biggest threat in the house. He thinks there is a producer waiting outside of the Big Brother house, fully prepared to sign Caleb up for his next army movie. He thinks that, next to that producer, is a huge fitness corporation that wants to sign him to a fitness contract. He thinks that—next to the producer, next to the huge fitness corporation—is Mila Kunis, and she is holding something in her hands, and when Caleb walks over to her, she says: “Caleb, this is my baby. I named him after his father. His name is Beast Mode Kooniz.”
Caleb has done a huge fitness photo shoot, do you know that? He was completely naked. There was a football coverin’ his stuff. Actually, there were two footballs, and they still couldn’t cover his stuff. Some people say he’s too manly for Halloween. The people who say that are Sylvester Stallone and every character Sylvester Stallone has ever played. That’s right: Rocky Balboa and Rambo and Cobra and Tango and Rambo Two and Rocky Four all Purple Rose of Cairo’d off the movie screen just to tell Caleb, “You’re too manly for Halloween, why are you so cool Caleb.” Last Action Hero? That was based on true events, and those true events were Caleb, and Caleb was actually the first action hero, because one time he flexed so hard that he time traveled back to the Stone Age and invented punching.
He could probably write a book and it would be a No. 1 seller. He could probably record an album and it would be a number hit in the pop and country and hip-hop and Finnish dance-metal charts. Caleb could probably make a movie. Caleb did make a movie. It was called The Bourne Legacy and a lot of people said it was better than any of the other Bourne movies, like there was this guy not sure you’ve heard of him his name is Matt and his last name is Damon who totally came up to Caleb like just on the street and said “Bro, bro, bro, Legacy is so good it makes dadgum Supremacy look like dadgern Identity, why are you so awesome Caleb” and then Caleb said “I don’t know Matt Damon, you are awesome too, but it is true that I am the awesome-r.”
I am making up some of this, but I am not making up the fact that Caleb’s father sells dogs that are a cross between the American Bulldog and the Argentine dogo. Nor am I making up the fact that Caleb figured out the special cheat code that lets you play as Luigi in Mario 64. One time, Caleb beat Street Fighter 2 using just the punch button. One time, Caleb discovered the Northwest passage. Caleb was the first man on the moon. Caleb once killed a buffalo with his hands tied behind his back because the buffalo saw how little body fat is on Caleb’s body and the buffalo died of a heart attack and as he lay dying he said “Too awesome, too awesome, too awesome” over and over in animal language so all the animals worshipped Caleb forever. And then Teddy Roosevelt walked up to Caleb and said “Dude, Caleb, you are like the me of a hundred years from now,” and then Caleb told Teddy Roosevelt, “Actually, Mister President, I prefer to think that you are the me of whenever you’re from.”
A human moment with Derrick: The first time he hears his baby’s voice in 90 days.
You have to cherish the moments when Derrick actually looks surprised. They don’t come around too often.
NEXT: Did Cody just win the game?