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'Big Brother' recap: Acts of Tear-anny

During one of the weepiest weeks so far, a power struggle begins as the weaker contestants continue to fall

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Big Brother | CRY ME A RIVER Monet and Matt are not feeling the Big Brother-ly love.
Sonja Flemming/CBS

Big Brother

type:
TV Show
genre:
Reality TV
performer:
Julie Chen
broadcaster:
CBS
seasons:
19
Current Status:
In Season
tvpgr:
TV-14

I’m about ready to call the Center for Disease Control. No, not about Enzo. I’m concerned about the houseguests in general. There has to be something in the water at the Big Brother house that’s making everyone act more like they are attending a summer camp instead of competing for $500,000. Think about it: romantic pairings, the nerd outsmarting everyone, lies, crying girls. I’m just waiting for someone to call their parents because they want to go home. Britney, I’m looking at you.

But alas, if water contamination isn’t to blame, all that’s left to conclude is that this is one seriously skewed group of people. Or romance is largely to blame. Yeah, romance. It’s definitely in the air. Unfortunately for everyone, that romance also comes with a heavy dose of stupid.

This week, we learned that HAYDEN and Kristen are in the midst of what they believe to be a secret showmance. This would be true if Andrew weren’t in a bed 10 feet away, hearing them swap spit in the middle of the night like a pair of randy youth. HAYDEN even fed her sweet regurgitated lines of affection that he no doubt stored in the depths of his memory back as a teenager. ”I have to try so hard to, like, not think about you.” Because there’s so much else going on up there?

I was admittedly a little disappointed that fly-under-the-radar Kristen decided to emerge from her state of obscurity to shack up with HAYDEN of all people. Her strategy was working so far — no one cared about her existence, which is a great thing on a game like this. But she seems head over flip-flops enamored with him. ”There’s something there and I can’t fight it,” she said. I guess it’s like herpes. Regardless, thanks to this new tryst, Kristen might have literally kissed her coasting days goodbye.

Speaking of goodbye, we said it to Monet this week. [Violins begin to play].

After hearing that Rachel had put Matt on the block, Britney and Monet high-tailed it out of the living room to go cry in the large bed (my favorite room in the house, FYI). Props to Big Brother editors for highlighting their dramatic, sobbing reactions with a cello-heavy piece of music. It was a lovely (sarcastic!) touch, and I appreciated the detail.

Matt walked in on the ”pity party” to add fuel to the burning fire of Rachel hate, lamenting to the girls ”I know I’m pissed off.” Of course, edited into this scene was Matt’s diary room commentary, where he boasted about his strokes of genius, waving his arms as he spoke like a sweatshirt-clad mad scientist on his way to conquering the world. But shortly after, he almost blew himself up in his own experiment, so to speak. More on that later.

Next: What’s the Matt-er?

Elsewhere, Rachel, suddenly emerging as a decent competitor, lied to Kristen, telling her that Britney said she was going to save Monet. Blaspheme!

It kind of blew up in her face, though, because Kristen approached Britney about it, and that’s when the girl claws came out. Rachel said she nominated Monet because she hadn’t tried to befriend her and won $10,000 in the wiener competition. Monet fired back, telling Rachel to stop portraying her as a ”bitch because I never talked to you.” But Rachel doesn’t call girls bitches. It’s a derogatory term, one that’s apparently more deprecating to woman than exposing your lady parts on TV.

That’s when Monet stormed off to go cry more.

And even more crying went on in the HOH room, when Britney went to confide in Rachel about why she was so upset about losing Monet (”losing a friend,” yada yada yada?). I think her tears were at least partly genuine, which is about all you can hope in a game like this. But aside from waterworks, something even greater came out of their talk: the truth about Matt volunteering to go on the block.

Rachel got full-on crazy eyes when she found out that Matt was playing her and Brendon. I think one crazy eye reflected her rage toward Matt and the other her rage toward Brendon for making her trust Matt. Eventually the rage gave way to (?yup) tears!

?and boom went Matt’s quest for household domination! Kinda.

Madam HOH called a house meeting immediately and put the cards on the table. That’s when Matt became the homeroom wall for a firestorm of angry spitballs of hate. Monet was angry he pretended to be scared about his nomination, and Rachel resented Matt’s claim that he had been strong-armed into being a pawn. Suddenly, Rachel and Brendon looked like the villains. Well played, Matt.

They left the conversation in non-resolution, saying they’d just have to wait and ”see how the votes go.” And we did see; we saw Matt get away with playing both sides. Now, he’s left in the game with the ability to it all over again. Not well played, houseguests.

Of course, Matt will probably have a target the size of his ego on his back next week. At least, that’s what we assume. This game hasn’t quite gone like we all assumed it would, has it? (See further explanation filed under ”Saboteur.”)

Next: Brendon vs. $500,000 {C}

I want to pause for a second to talk about the conversations Julie Chen has with the contestants during each live show. I can’t decide of I love or hate these. I’m leaning toward ”absolutely love.” Yeah, they’re pure cheese, but they also give us a chance to learn a few things about the houseguests’ personalities and lives outside the game. I thought, for example, it was sweet when Andrew thanked his fellow houseguests for respecting his Judaism. But we also learn a lot of not-so-valuable things, like the fact that Kathy thinks being in the Big Brother house is harder than being a deputy sheriff. Oh, and in case you’d forgotten, Ragan is the sassy gay contestant with a colorful personal life. Just FYI.

Back to the game, which to Rachel means, ”Let’s talk about Brendon some more.” Okay, okay, to her credit Julie Chen did ask about the relationship. But let’s get real here. Brendon vs. $500,000. When posed the hypothetical question by the Chenbot, Rachel seriously picked Brendon! I’m speechless.

Wait. That’s a lie.

WTF!?! Vote her out now!! I wanted her out of the house the moment I realized she uses laughter as punctuation, but this is just too far. In a game of greed and lies, there cannot be this amount of real emotions involved! That kills the fun of it. I can’t make fun of someone this naïve! That’s just mean, and she just makes me sad now.

I’ll need at least a week to forget this happened.

Back to the game (because we must soldier on). Monet got emotional during her final speech, and you can tell this whole experience was getting to her. My colleague Darren Franich pointed out the other day that watching Big Brother is really just slowly watching people go crazy. After seeing the effect the house had on a thick-skinned girl like Monet, I’m inclined to agree. For her sake, I’m kind of glad she got out. Matt was far less emotional, and if I’m correct, might have made a slight reference to his wife’s nonexistent disease in his speech (”As you know, personally, you know, I’m going to fight the good fight as long as I can.”). Low, dude. Low.

By a vote of two to seven, Monet was sent packing. For those keeping score, Kathy and Britney voted for Monet to stay. I don’t know if Kathy would have voted for her to stay if she had heard Monet call her ”stupid” earlier in the episode.

Largely, the goodbye video was uneventful, except for maybe Matt’s claim that ”everything you did was completely wrong” (true) and Britney telling her that she would miss their jokes about Kristen’s high-waisted pants and the things they could do with Rachel’s hair extensions (besides burn them as part of a live animal ritual sacrifice? Hey, it didn’t take a week to recover!).

Next: Who’ll be the HOH?

As I type, the HOH competition is over on the live feed, but no spoilers here, folks. And I kindly ask that you be kind to your fellow commenters and avoid them below.

The challenge was to be the last person standing on a moving mechanical surfboard. The first five people to fall off the boards would be the haves for the week. Sound easy? It was — until contestants were doused with a heavy spray of what was believed to be water. Personally, I think it was a collection of all the tears that have been shed by houseguests this season.

So that’s all for now. What did you think of the episode? Did the right person go home? Will our houseguests ever vote out the actual weaker player on the block? Could their bad voting choices actually work out better for the viewers, later on (stronger players = better game to watch later on?)? Who should be the next person to go? And how many different things can you do with hair extensions?

Also, be sure to check out Julie Chen’s blog, and follow me on Twitter (@EWSandraG) — if you’re into that sort of thing.

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