Tonight! On the Men Tell All! Guys you barely remember will make one final attempt to speak on camera, while others won’t even speak! Chris Harrison will be allowed to show some personality! And women in the audience will display exaggerated expressions of disapproval or glee on cue! It’s all coming up… right now!
Of course, rose lovers, we begin with Harrison leading Emily on a walk down memory lane. You and I don’t really need to relive any portion of the Bachelorette’s “journey” — Trophy Wife-gate, Baggage-gate, Awkward Kiss During Breakup-gate — so let’s focus on the most important thing about this segment: How did I never notice before that Emily has SIX BOXES of hair and makeup supplies in her bathroom? And why am I actually surprised by this? And here I was thinking that having three different shades of pink lip gloss was indulgent.
Anyhoo, let’s move on to the deleted scenes, shall we? First up, Emily spills white wine on her gorgeous rose dress during her date with Joe, and then proceeds to swear like a longshoreman in a bar fight. “Motherf—er! F—, y’all! I just spilled it all over my dress,” she whines to someone off camera. “And I said the F-word in front of my date! I’m supposed to be a lady!” (The best part is the “y’all.”) In other what-you-didn’t-see news, we learn that Travis has some kind of dialect Tourette’s — he’s shown slipping from hip-hop lingo (“aiight!”) to a quasi-Irish brogue all within the course of the Shakespeare date — while Arie’s little brothers got some clandestine sex ed during the hometown date when they spied on Emily and big bro as the duo were making out by the Getaway SUV. “Oh, that’s awkward,” says the Bachelorette, who adds that she “loved” Arie’s brothers and told them “if it didn’t work out, I’d be calling them.” (Um… okay, Pamela Smart.) Chris, meanwhile, is a terrible dancer, as evidenced by painful footage of him trying and failing to spin Emily during their private Luke Bryan concert in Charlotte. But cut the guy some slack — dancing in an abandoned parking lot while surrounded by screaming spectators can’t be easy. The segment ends with Emily promising to do the running man on After the Final Rose — so at least those 90 seconds weren’t completely for naught.
At this point the action moves to the Tealight Candle Thunderdome, but it’s just a tease, because the guys aren’t coming out yet — first, we’ve gotta watch an extended promo for the new “dramatic,” “fun-filled,” “sexy” season of Bachelor Pad. In short, it looks like this: crying, crying, running away from cameras, crying, crying while dabbing eyes with a hand towel, crying in a stairwell, running down the stairs crying, possibly dead girl in the Reject Limo, knife-wielding lunatic in the Pad kitchen, Ed [bleep] Chris [bleep], topless “lady,” drunken insults about bestiality, night vision sex, crying while drinking wine and holding a rose, awesome Stagliano sound bite (“Uhhhhhh my god it’s already a hell hole!”), rhythmic gymnastics, Tony talking about his son without crying, whipped cream obstacle course, Bachelor Pad spelling bee (BRILLIANT!), fireworks, prop planes, rooftop dinners, icky hookups (Stag and Rachel; Chris and Blakely; Chris and Jamie), and awesome Reid sound bite (to Ed: “Didn’t you say you were going to marry Jillian and then you moved in together and then you cheated on her?”). Cue the applause!
NEXT: Roll the drama montage!