Greetings, rose lovers! Before you read on, please take a moment to watch this PSA from the ISBVH (a.k.a. the International Society of Bats–t Vampire Hunters). It could save your life. Go ahead, I’ll wait.
Okay, everybody ready? Great! If it’s morning, that must be Chris Harrison’s voice we hear bellowing from the flagstone courtyard, calling for the “gentlemen” to come hear their fate for the week. (I hope Michael’s fate somehow involves a haircut and a ritual burning of that god-awful yellow headband he’s sporting this a.m.) All I hear is the Charlie Brown teacher voice until these beautiful six words: “a special two-on-one date.” Yep, it’s time for the Awkward Olympics, and even better, it’s all going to take place in Bermuda! In fact, Emily and Ricki are already there, strolling in the turquoise surf. “I can’t wait for the day when I get to come back to Bermuda with my husband,” gushes Emily. “Maybe I’ll be pregnant and pushing a baby stroller.” Good lord, woman — how many children do you want to have?
Enough fantasizing — there’s product placement to be done! The guys roll up on their not-emasculating-at-all little scooters, and Sean informs us that they’ll be staying at the “gorgeous” Rosewood Tucker’s Point resort, and Alejandro insists, “It’s the most beautiful place I’ve ever seen.” But there’s not much time to loaf around enjoying the luxury, because there sits the date card on the Glass-Topped End Table of Doom. Arie pretends that the first one-one-one will be his — “Let’s get down to the real stuff, not the romance,” he tells the camera — but instead it’s Daddy Doug. Hearing this, poor Alejandro feels as low as those mushrooms he grows in the dirt. “I haven’t really stood out to her,” he sighs. “It’s tougher and tougher to catch up.”
You’d think Doug would be in a good mood after getting the first date, but instead he’s stressed and psyching himself out — or he wants the guys to think he is. “I put my entire life on hold to come down here,” he says grimly. “I don’t know — I’m coming back. I’ll see you guys tonight… hopefully?” The guys start ribbing him for having no confidence, which causes Doug to flush crimson and swear a lot. “It’s super easy to push Doug’s buttons,” notes Arie, who continues to taunt his rival about being “nervous.” It’s only Emily’s sing-songy “Knock knooock!” at the door that keeps Arie from getting punched. Once Doug is out of the house, the racecar driver continues his juvenile mockery: “That was like the hulk,” he smirks. “Doug angry! Doug smash! Doug sad.”
He’s not as sad as he’s going to be. Emily’s plan for the day? Shopping for knickknacks, fudge, and perfume! But Doug plays along pleasantly. “I just like island towns a lot,” he tells her as they leave the glass geegaw store. Later they sit on some church steps and Doug tells Emily that he started a charity to teach his son that one person can, indeed, change the world. “Of course you did,” marvels Emily, shaking her head. “I am, like, more and more impressed with you every day.” But no matter how good the guy looks on paper, even Emily knows that there’s gotta be a few bodies buried under his house. “What happens on your bad days? I’ve never seen you being grumpy or short…” Oh, yes you have, darling! Doug informs the Bachelorette that the whirlpool of testosterone tension she walked into before their date was, in fact, because he was “getting grouchy with the boys.” And she LOVES it. “I am glad that Doug felt comfortable enough with me to tell me what happened with the other guys.” As a reward, she writes a postcard to Doug’s son Austin, who will no doubt treasure this note from a total stranger. (Or maybe he’ll sell it on eBay.)
NEXT: Rough seas ahead on the group date