Confession time, rose lovers: I had a dream that I was on The Bachelor, and in order to be considered for the final rose each contestant had to perform some kind of talent. I sang “I Will Always Love You,” but my triumph was diluted by my fellow contestant, Jennifer Aniston, who wore the same dress I had on. So yes, even my subconscious is addicted to this show. Sad, but true.
On to happier topics. It’s week three, and Emily is learning that living a double life — mother and reality TV romance-seeker — is tiring. Especially when she comes home after a late night rose ceremony and finds her six-year-old sprawled out in her king-sized bed. “I’m so tired, and I don’t have the heart to move her over,” sighs Emily to her mom, who has kindly brought her “breakfast” (turkey, carrots, grapes, something that looks like salmon) in bed. Poor Ricki — you just miss your mom, don’t you? What’s that, honey? You’d rather pace back and forth in front of mommy’s door than spend more time with that icky camera crew? Fair enough.
Over at the Potential Husband Plantation, Harrison drops off the first date card, which goes to Chris. “I’m grateful for the opportunity,” he tells the guys, before whipping out some hair product and packing his in-case-of-rejection bag. Emily brings him to the Mint Museum and informs him that dinner will be on the top floor… and they’re going to have to reverse-rappel, or whatever you call it, to get there. “There ain’t no elevators honey!” Chris is nervous, but he’s also oddly turned on. Emily “looks unbelievable in her harness,” he gushes. Well, if they’re climbing up the building rather than bungee jumping or rappelling down, at least we’ll be spared the painful “love is a leap of faith” similes… Aaaand I spoke too soon. “Climbing a building is definitely like love,” Chris says. “You’ve gotta start somewhere, and we’re starting at the bottom.”
As the duo inches their way up the building’s façade, a crowd gathers to watch their imminent death — but even the thunder and lightning in the distance can’t keep Chris and Emily from making it to the top. And she LOVES it. “Thanks for not ditching me,” she coos, adding in the confessional, “I want a man who stays by my side, and Chris passed the test.” The test? Did he even have another option besides staying by Emily’s side? I suppose he could have gnawed through his own rope to escape, and chosen the sweet release of a splattery pavement death over the stress of having to comfort his nervous date… so yeah, bravo, sir.
Over dinner, Emily tries to flatter Chris’ ego. “If I saw you across the bar, I would not come talk to you,” she admits, before clarifying that she’d be “too nervous” to approach someone so handsome. All is going well until the Bachelorette learns that her date is 25 — a fact that she finds “scary.” After all, is this young buck really going to want to take on Emily’s insta-family? Just wait until she finds out that Alejandro is 24! Despite his youth, Chris manages to allay Emily’s fears by telling her left home at 17 to go to school (so, like, one year before everyone else goes to college?), and that experience “matured” him. Sold! He gets the rose… and the requisite concert by a midlevel country music artist, in this case someone named Luke Bryan. Polite to a fault, Chris asks permission before planting one on the Bachelorette. And she LOVES it.
NEXT: No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!