Happy Monday, rose lovers! I’m a little discombobulated what with this crazy schedule. Also, slightly dismayed that I will be recapping FIVE HOURS of The Bachelorette this week (between Men Tell All, the finale, and After the Final Rose)… but fear not, my dedication to you — and to ridiculing this show that I simply cannot stop watching — will never wane. Let’s pound some Red Bull and get to it!
Harrison greets the adoring crowd in the Tea Light Thunderdome with his standard hyperbole — “This season has been one of the most controversial and talked about seasons of The Bachelorette ever” — and then gets right to the point: Bentley — WTF? “Why didn’t Ashley see him for who he really is? Why didn’t the show tell Ashley what Bentley was really saying about her?” Good questions Chris! Can’t wait to hear the answers… What’s that? Not yet? First we have to walk down Flashback/Filler Lane with Ashley? Fine. [Deep sigh] At least we get to see some never-before-aired clips of Jeff the Mask doing domestic chores like vacuuming, trimming the hedges, washing his hands after using the rest room. When Harrison does broach the subject of Bentley, Ashley gives the answers we’ve all heard before — she never saw that side of him, he “played” her, he just wanted to “win,” and she’s “hurt” that people were so “negative” about her monumental obtuseness.
Enough about the only subject people want to talk about all that boring stuff! Let’s watch some bloopers. Look: JP can’t work a DVD player! Mickey’s “manhood” was squashed in a harness! The lantern-fouling dog! Ashley gets a toe cramp during tai chi! The ridiculously phallic fruit bowl in Hong Kong! The Vaseline by Ashley’s bed… Wait, what’s so weird about that? Vaseline by a Bachelor’s bed — that could have some R-rated implications. Ashley’s defense against chapped lips, however? Not so racy.
Maybe Team Bachelorette just get viewers in a naughty frame of mind, because they segue from Ashley’s mysterious lubricating jelly to a sneak peek at the TV equivalent of an STD: Bachelor Pad 2! Here are my key takeaways from the extended preview: 1. Don’t cross Ella, or she will punch you in the face “over and over and over again” until she breaks your frickin’ nose. 2. If you edit together enough clips of women crying, it creates a creepy kind of melody. 3. Stagliano is still the most likable contestant in Bachelor/Bachelorette history. 4. Melissa? Still nuts. 5. Kasey doesn’t quite understand the proper use of air quotes. The poor guy doesn’t seem too amused to be the butt of Harrison’s “guard and protect your heart” joke either.
NEXT: William and Ryan Sunshine, season 7 jackass mascots