And lo, our “journey” has come to an end, dear rose lovers! Wow,
those were the longest eleven weeks of my life time flies, doesn’t it? We’ve got a lot to cover, so let’s get to it.
“I’m so excited to get engaged in the South Pacific,” gushes Ashley, as she packs up and boards a puddle jumper to another island, where her family is waiting to hear her say things like, “Fiji is the perfect place to write the last chapter of my love story.” But first they have to get the hugging and squealing out of the way, the latter noise coming primarily from Ashley’s sister Chrystie (who no doubt could have saved ABC a buttload of money on their trip to Fiji had they only asked to borrow her coupon binder). The Bachelorette wastes no time and proceeds to data dump the details of her “journey” onto her family: Everything’s been “awesome,” she has a “burning passion” for JP, and “the other guy” Ben is “goofy” and “outgoing,” much like her. In conclusion: “So, like, my struggle is, ok, do I go with exactly what I’m feeling even though in your head it might seem like we’re very different? Or do I go with somebody that I think maybe it could progress to that level of passion, but we’re much more compatible?” Queen Ink of Coupon Mountain assures her sister that her family can make the choice for her, once they see her with each of the guys. “I do hope I like them,” says Chrystie ominously.
JP is the first to go before the familial firing squad… though to be honest Ashley’s parents are about as gentle as you can get. Before she even speaks three words to him, Ashley mom’s Laurie says to JP, “You look like a nice gentleman…” and before they even finish a meal together Mama offers up a toast that concludes with, “You’re welcome in our family.” Even JP can’t believe it. “Already?” he marvels. Sister Chrystie is not having all this niceness and begins throwing out some tough (though totally reasonable) questions. “Does JP make you laugh?” she asks Ashley, who actually has to think about her answer. “Do you make me laugh?” she wonders aloud. “What does that say for me if you can’t answer that right away?” whines JP, as big Sis furrows her brow. Honey, if you have to ask, you can’t marry it.
Tattoo Sally agrees; as soon as she gets Ashley and mom alone, she lays it all on the line for her sister. “I don’t think he’s the one for you… I don’t see it.” Oh dear. Why? “I think you’re too much for him,” Chrystie continues. “I think you’re too young, and he’s just kind of a little bit older and a little bit more demure.” This is a nice way of saying that JP is a big, fat, buzz-cut sporting bore — but even couched in all those soft euphemisms, Chrystie’s assessment of the Jape makes Ashley cry. “You haven’t even talked to him yet!” she wails. Counters Chrystie, “I saw how you were together… I’m missing something.” Mom initially stays silent, most likely because she agrees with Chrystie and is too nice to say so, but then she urges her colorful spawn to give JP a chance — or at least more than 15 minutes to make an impression.
NEXT: Chrystie for the next Bachelorette!