Ni hao, rose lovers! Things are getting off on a creepy foot here in Hong Kong. That low-budget shot of Ashley standing still as crowds of Chinese passersby blur past her was perhaps supposed to be “deep,” but poor Ashley is trying so hard to appear pensive and reflective that she looks more like she’s posing for her own wax figure. Also, she’s got to stop wearing jeans that accentuate the, shall we say, outward curve of her legs. It’s just starting to get uncomfortable. But not as uncomfortable as it’s going to get. Let’s recap, shall we?
Harrison greets the men atop the Conrad Hotel Hong Kong, sporting dark jeans and white sneakers. (Bold choice, my man!) He sends the guys off to their suite and then heads directly to Ashley’s room. His knock is purposeful. This is a man on a mission. “Don’t be scared,” he assures the nervous Bachelorette. “It’s all good.” Is it, Chris? I think that’s debatable, because you’re about to deliver some horrible news: “We’ve reached out to Bentley, and he wants to talk to you today… In fact, he’s in this hotel.” Ashley cannot believe her ears. “Shut UP!” she cries, clutching her pearls like she’s about to faint. God bless her, she almost starts crying — and you know it’s because she thinks this means Bentley’s changed his mind and he wants to fight for her heart. Why else would he have flown “halfway around the world,” as Chris keeps saying? How about because he’s an egomaniacal d-bag who wanted another 15 minutes of national attention before returning to his hellish life running a “family fun center” in Utah? Harrison clearly does not have a lot of confidence in Ashley’s ability to withstand Bentley’s BS, because he repeatedly commands Ashley to push Bentley for details and warns her not to let him “be vague.” Yeah, this is totally going to work out.
She sits there for awhile staring at Bentley’s room number, which Harrison strategically placed next to a phallic display of fruit. One commercial break later, she is ready to confront the dot-dot-dot of doom. She pauses in front of his door to take a few deep breaths and pick at her cuticles before finally knocking. Captain Douchebag, a wiseass to the end, asks “Who is it?” before opening the door. Once he emerges, wearing a ratty short sleeved t-shirt over a ratty long-sleeved t-shirt, Ashley loses whatever eyedropper’s worth of resolve she may have had to be strong: She gives him a long hug and even leans in for a kiss on the mouth, which Bentley reluctantly delivers. They settle on the yellow couch in his suite and he immediately begins his half-assed flirting shtick, like telling Ashley she must have “sweet blood” because she has so many bug bites. We get a flash of the darkness that envelops Bentley’s soul when Ashley inquires about Cozy and he looks down, shamed, and mumbles, “She’s fine” — but other than that millisecond of humanity, Bentley is (to quote Big Brother‘s Dr. Will) skin over circuitry and wires. Get your goddamn hand off of her knee, you asshat!
The Bachelorette squirms in Bentley’s web of lies, as he tells her that they’re on the “same page,” and that it’s “hard to know” if their relationship is over forever. “That’s not fair to me,” Ashley protests weakly. “I have a gut feeling about you… I don’t know why you came into my life. Maybe it was for me to teach you something, or maybe it’s for me to learn from you, but maybe it’s to be together.” (Survey says: Number 2!) Eventually Bentley, perhaps anxious to go sight seeing, decides to stop toying with the Bachelorette and end this thing. “I think that knowing that I’m home, it doesn’t look good for me and you,” he says. “I would implore you to do all you can to see what you have here, I guess.”
NEXT: Mission accomplished, you worthless hunk of man meat!