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Article

The Bachelorette recap: When Idiots Attack

Ashley’s confidence takes a beating as the guys perform a “comedy” roast in her honor, and Bentley makes a beeline for the door.

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The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette

type:
TV Show
genre:
Reality TV
run date:
03/25/02
performer:
Chris Harrison
broadcaster:
ABC
seasons:
21
Current Status:
In Season

And like the insignificant coward that he is, Bentley blames it all on his daughter. (If he was truly the epic bastard he fancies himself to be, he would’ve told Ashley point blank that he’s just not that into her.) I can’t decide what poor Cozy will spend more time on in therapy: That her dad intentionally acted like an asshat on a reality TV show or that he openly admitted on camera that he wasn’t, in fact, leaving said reality TV show because he missed his daughter… but instead because the chick he was competing for wasn’t hot enough. Stay off the pole, Cozy!

Ashley is, of course, devastated. Despite all evidence to the contrary, she insists on believing that Bentley is there for The Right Reasons. (I suspect that deep down, she knows he’s a worthless jerk-off, which is all she believes she deserves.) As he’s breezing out the door Bentley throws the Bachelorette some crumbs of stale emotion — “I still want to keep the dot-dot-dot” there,” he tells her — ensuring that she’ll be all the more pissed when the Men Tell All special rolls around. And then we get Ugly Bed Cry they’ve been teasing all season, as Ashley curls up in the fetal position under the covers and sobs. “My heart is totally broken. Was I wrong about everything?” Well, yes. But there, there, honey. You may have brought this on yourself, but it still doesn’t make it fun to watch.

In a extra-specially cruel twist, Ashley has to pull herself together for her date with JP just hours after Bentley’s hit-and-run. Though he’s essentially eating takeout across from a quivering pile of emotionally spent jelly, JP manages to be charming and soothing, even when faced with lose-lose questions from Ashley like, “If you’re always breaking up with girls, how do I know that you’re not going to break up with me?” Eventually, he finds himself drinking wine and lounging in rented pajama bottoms in front of a roaring fire. How could he NOT get the date rose?

Even after a nice rebound date, Ashley’s still feeling wobbly and unhappy the night of the rose ceremony. Fortunately, Harrison is (finally) there to offer some sage counsel. He gently tries to suggest to Ashley that she didn’t, in fact, love Bentley (as she claims), but that instead she loved the “idea” of him, since he was “forbidden.” He even shoots down Bentley’s lame-ass “dot-dot-dot” caveat: “A real man… would have done everything he could to fight for you.”

The beaten-down Bachelorette decides to skip the cocktail party and go straight to the rose ceremony, which plays like yet another game of “Wait, did that guy speak this week?” as Constantine, West, and Mickey get the first few roses. Next, Ben F. and his groundbreaking bowtie get a bud, followed by Blake, Nick, Ames, Lucas (again, who?), and William, who finds himself in the final “This is Your Last Chance to F— Things Up” slot. That means we’re saying goodbye to Chris and, of course, Old Man Mask. Sadly, he sacrifices the mask on a funeral pyre before boarding the Reject Van to Alonesville.

Sheesh, that was a depressing episode, huh rose lovers? (At least we finally got to see that long-promised shot of Jeff on the toilet, during what appeared to be a scene from ABC’s new sitcom pilot, Douchebag and the Mask.) Once you’ve recovered from the evening’s events, get busy posting your thoughts in the comments section. Is Bentley the worst villain in Bachelorette history or just the worst wannabe? Either way, what on earth did Ashley see in him? Now that he’s gone, who’s your pick for the front-runner? Pull on your sweatpants and let’s talk Bachelorette!

More Bachelorette from EW:

Chris Harrison blogs Bachelorette episode 3

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