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Bachelor Pad season premiere recap: The Ex Factor

Jake comes face to face with Vienna — and kills her with kindness — while Gia begins her new life as a career Bachelor reject, and Ames rebounds hard with Jackie.

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Bachelor Pad

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Déjà vu, rose lovers! Doesn’t it feel like we were just here, sacrificing our Monday nights to the reality TV gods as Ashley meandered her way through the Bachelorette “journey.” And now we’re camped out at Casa Bachelor again, ready to spend three hours of our lives watching a bunch of Bachelor/Bachelorette rejects who, much like my 17-month-old toddler, prefer negative attention to the existential horror of no attention.

Harrison welcomes us to the “home” for wayward contestants, those who did not find “lasting love” through Mike Fleiss’ sadistic social experiment. So who are they? Let’s recap:

Justin the wannabe wrestler, who tried and failed to game the system on Ali’s season of The Bachelorette when he was busted with a girlfriend. Now he spends his time shadowboxing in the dark and hanging out by heavily graffitied brick walls, plotting his revenge… against, you know, people and stuff.

Jackie from Brad’s season, who made no real impression until she made an ad hominem attack on Michelle Money at the Women Tell All. Now she’s “anxious” that Michelle will be in the Pad. Which brings us to…

Michelle, who behaved like a psycho hose beast dominatrix during Brad’s season, but now claims she’s simply misunderstood. “I don’t consider myself to be crazy by any means.” Okay, whatever honey. Moving on… Wait, what? Her dad has stage four colon cancer, and she wants to win the money for him? And now here’s her dad on camera saying it gives him “strength” to see her succeed? Damn you, Team Bachelor Pad! You clearly want us to give Michelle the Man Eater a second chance — and it’s working. I am powerless against your Sad Dad secret weapon. Well played, you bastards.

Gia the “swimsuit model” is next, who cheekily pokes fun at her new status as a career contestant by talking us through a handwritten flowchart of her sexual “journey”: Jake —> Bachelor Pad 1 —> Wes —> whatever the female version of “cuckolded” is when Wes cheats on her with Vienna —> lifelong rivalry with Vienna. “It’s all about Vienna, how Vienna can be famous,” Gia sniffs. “That’s all she cares about.” Says the woman going on her third reality show in less than two years. Of course she’s followed in the lineup by…

Vienna! And her new nose! She is “competitive,” “awesome.” She’s living in Hollywood, and hopefully not pursuing a career in acting, because her line reading of the following is completely unconvincing: “I have heard rumors that there’s a possibility that Jake may be on Bachelor Pad.” [dramatic, over-exaggerated swallow of fear] “I’ll probably want to sleep with my eyes wide open.” Good thing she’s dating…

Kasey, a.k.a. the “guard and protect your heart” guy from Ali’s season. Team Bachelor Pad seems to think we forgot about the infamous tattoo on his wrist, because it practically gets more screen time during his welcome package than he does. (There it is hovering by Vienna’s head! There it is getting some sun on the deck!) Now he’s “head over heels” for Vienna, but he’s worried she doesn’t quite love him as much as he loves her. Still, he and his 30 pounds of newly gained muscle are prepared to protect Vienna from her angry ex. “He’s a piece of sh–,” he sneers. “I’m going to go take a Jake and wipe my Pavelka. That’s what I think of him.” Sounds like he’s about to step right into the danger zone with…

NEXT: Grab a cocktail… it’s going to be a long night.