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Bachelor Pad season premiere recap: A House Divided

It’s veterans versus “super fans” as the Pad opens its doors for season 3 — and not even Ed’s drunken shenanigans can bring them all together.

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Bachelor Pad Ed

Bachelor Pad

TV Show
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Gah! Enough romance and true love, right rose lovers? After spending two months watching Emily’s “journey,” I feel like my brain could use some time off — and since Big Brother is only on three times a week, I think the only responsible thing for me to do is check into the drunku-series known as Bachelor Pad. Grab your antibiotics and join me, won’t you?

God, it feels good to be back in Casa Bachelor. Harrison, did you get a haircut? Lookin’ good, pal. So, what’s on the agenda this evening? “The most memorable and controversial men and women from season’s past are here,” says our affable host. “You know who they are: the lover, the villain, the fighter, the good guy, the crazy girl, and the one you love to hate.” (There in a nutshell is what’s so fantastic about this show; Team Bachelor Pad doesn’t even bother to acknowledge these contestants as human people — they’re simply skanky archetypes.) In other news, a handful of “super fans” are being allowed admission into the Pad this year, and will compete for the $250k as well. I will reserve judgment on this twist for now, given that at first glance I hate it and want more time to gather evidence about why it’s such a terrible idea.

Let’s meet a few of the more notable Pad-mates!

Chris B: Recently dumped by Emily. On a scale of 1 to Polish, he’s Polish. Has venetian blinds. When prompted to name a woman from a previous season who he finds attractive, Chris chooses the woman who dodged the Ben bullet, Lindzi. “Maybe she’ll be on Bachelor Pad,” muses Chris. “That’d be awesome!” Ask and ye shall receive, sir! Next up…

Lindzi: Likes horses. Wore a gorgeous and ridiculous green velvet cape before getting dumped by Ben. Thinks love and money are both “great.”

Reid: Looks like Scooter from the Muppets. Charmingly neurotic. Failure to fall in love with Jillian immediately cost him the final rose. Hates Ed, and will not be c—blocked by him again. “He may have won last time,” says Reid, “but this time, no way. Payback is a bitch!”

Ed: Proposed to Jillian, but then just couldn’t keep it in his pants. “I’m not an angel,” he admits. “There was certainly some truth to what was in the tabloids.” Hoping to get rich — and laid — in the Pad.

Blakeley: Former VIP cocktail waitress/hot tub sexual assaulter turned aesthetician. Really hopes she can win some dough on the Pad so she can take a break from waxing private parts. Also, she’s lonely. “I’m really close with Jaclyn, she’s hilarious… That’d be fun to have camaraderie with another girl. Like, have a friend.” If the crushing sadness of that statement isn’t enough for you, let’s let our next Pad-mate take the pain up a notch…

Jaclyn: “Blakeley thinks we’re besties, but we’re frienemies,” drawls the unique-looking woman who says she’s in Pad both to win it and to “lose friends.” As for our reformed VIP cocktail waitress? “Like, Blakeley waxes vaginas and I actually have a college education. So, I’m obviously going further than her.”

Kalon: Hates children and luggage. So focused on being the villain of the show that his introduction package is a faithful homage to the “morning routine” scene in American Psycho. (Slow, impressed clap to whoever had that idea.)

NEXT: Let’s meet the “super fans”!

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