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Bachelor Pad season finale recap: Take the Money and Run

The summer-long experiment in debauchery ends with a “disturbing” finale that proves money plus reality TV cameras leads to amorality run amok.

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Bachelor Pad

Bachelor Pad

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Final. Rose. Tonight. I’m almost afraid to let myself believe it, rose lovers. After recapping Bachelor/Bachelorette related “content” for the past EIGHTEEN WEEKS, I’m finally about to be free… until January, that is. And you, dear readers, will get a much-deserved respite from Mike Fleiss’ House of Pain as well. God is good, folks!

Of course, the action begins in the Tealight Candle Thunderdome, where Harrison introduces the Padmates, many of whom the audience has long since forgotten, as evidenced by the embarrassingly small smattering of applause they receive: Ryan, Swat, Donna, David, Kalon, Lindzi, Paige, Reid, Brittany & Erica, Jaclyn, Ed, Erica Rose, Jamie, Tony, Blakeley, and Stagliano. After rolling the Embarrassing Flashbacks reel, Harrison quickly directs the conversation towards Kalon and Lindzi. “Where do you guys stand now?” he asks. “How’s it going?” Peachy, says Lindzi, who says her butt-chinned beau was “very overlooked” on Emily’s season and that he’s a “nice, sweet guy.” But Erica Rose is not having it. “I’ve seen Kalon around town at different events with different women,” she warns Lindzi. “Be careful, that’s it.” This type of potential slander is probably nothing new to Lindzi — provided she has an internet connection — and Harrison, not wanting Erica Rose to tarnish one of the franchise’s “success” stories, doesn’t linger in this unpleasant territory.

Mr. Stagliano, won’t you please take your place in the hot seat? And I certainly hope you brought your fireproof underwear, because Team Bachelor Pad isn’t fooling around with his flashback package: After showing footage of a googly-eyed Rachel talking about how she’s “falling in love” with Michael, we see a never-aired conversation between Erica Rose and Stag, where he says he can’t imagine dating her outside of the house, though he loves “hanging out” with her. “I thought it was a summer camp relationship,” he tells Harrison. “She was falling in love, and I just wasn’t.” While he broke the news to Rachel in what he thought was an amicable post-Pad meeting, Jaclyn insists her blonde buddy is still very hurt. “She told me that he called her his girlfriend,” says Jaclyn, as the women in the audience purse their lips and shake their heads reproachfully. “I think it was bulls—.”

Sounds about right. Unfortunately, Harrison doesn’t bring Rachel out right away to confront the tiny breakdancer… because it’s now Jaclyn’s time in the hot seat. (I’ve got to be honest, Jaclyn has grown on me a little bit. God, I even kind of like her hot pink dress with the weird, triangular front panel and severe black racing stripe down the back. What is happening to me? I need this season to end, now.) Anyhoo, Jaclyn relieves her BFF Rachel’s betrayal via the flashback reel, and it seems she’s still feeling hurt. “I really didn’t think she was capable of screwing me over like that,” she says. “It’s one of those, forgive and never forget.” That said, Jaclyn’s still “torn” about whom to vote for when the time comes — especially since she was certain Bachelor Pad was hers to lose. After Harrison listens to her rant, he sums Jaclyn’s attitude up in one word: “Bitter!”

NEXT: Neil Lane strikes again