Have you got your Purell ready, rose lovers? Too bad we can’t use it on our eyes. But as we all know, watching the Pad is a labor of self-hate, so let’s get to it.
The action resumes post-rose ceremony, with Erica jubilantly relieved to be clutching a bud, and Overly Honest Dave — who took out a full page ad in the Bachelor Pad Times telling the veterans that the newbies were planning to vote them out — looking more than a little chagrined. I’d ruminate more on Dave’s bad strategy, but I can’t hear anything over the shrill, screeching sounds of bird hawks attacking each other in the Pad’s driveway… Oh, wait, sorry — that’s just Brittany and Erica fighting. “Last night you called me a slut four times!” whines Thing 1. “It’s old news, just get over it!” bleats Thing 2. “You did it again, I cried. You did it again, I cried. You did it again, I cried. So then what?” At first, Rachel tries to intervene and remind the girls that they love each other, but eventually she and the other Padmates just settle in to enjoy the show. “It’s like watching Jerry Springer,” jokes Blakeley. Jaclyn, though is not amused: “God, they’re so duuuuuumb!”
Hope you were able to sleep off your stupid, girls, because morning has arrived and so has Harrison — he wants you meet him in the driveway for the next competition. What will it be — pie eating contest? Water balloon toss? Mean-spirited version of the Newlywed Game? All good guesses, but no. Today’s event is… rhythmic gymnastics. Wha-huh? Harrison, explain yourself. “In honor of the summer Olympics going on right now, welcome to your next competition.” (Ballsy move, Team Bachelor Pad! I’ve no doubt this will keep ABC from getting clobbered by whatever Olympic competition aired on NBC Monday night.) Anyhow, each of the contestants must perform a routine for a panel of judges — the winning man and woman get roses, while the couple who does the worst will each go into the rose ceremony with one vote against them.
Based on what we see in the training montage, the guys, especially Reid, are in danger of getting stress fractures in their knees from their lumbering leaps, while the women — especially Jamie and Sarah — risk strangulation by pink ribbon. Donna and her boobs have been taking gymnastics since they were 8, so she’s actually semi-coordinated, and Stagliano — who, as we all know, is a breakdancer — masters the moves pretty quickly as well. Once the contestants have all donned their asset-enhancing leotards — “My eyes kept going straight to their package!” admits Sarah — it’s time to meet the judges: Ashley and JP (of course), and Olympic gymnast Tasha Schwikert (that makes more sense). The “ladies” go first, and what follows is a riot of tangled ribbons and wobbily brandished hula hoops. “I was so relieved,” Kalon tells us. “It took any and all pressure off once we realized how absolutely terrible the girls were.” As much as I hate to agree with Kalon, he’s right — compared to what we saw from the women, the guys’ routine actually came within 200 miles of decent. Even Reid managed to redeem himself by busting out a pretty impressive worm mid-routine.
Erica Rose, who did not manage to perform even a portion of the routine properly, gets the vote for worst of the women, and Ed — who was critiqued by Tasha Schwikert for not being “sassy” enough — took the loser title for the guys. Of course, Stagliano takes the gold medal for the men, and on a more surprising note, Blakeley is the winner on the women’s side — a fact that causes Chris to deflate with disappointment. “I have to just man up and get along with Blakeley,” he sighs. Weirdly enough, Blake and Stag don’t get to enjoy one-on-one dates with the partner of their choice — instead they each have to bring three people and hand out a rose to one of them. Donna and her boobs really hope Stagliano will pick them for one of the date slots. “Normally a guy would be head over heels for me in a second,” puzzles Donna, as the camera zooms in on her peeling a banana and putting her lips around it. (Really, Team BP? Isn’t that a little on the nose?) “But with Michael,” she continues, “I kind of have to work for it.”
NEXT: Donna gets Rachel’s sloppy seconds