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Bachelor Pad season finale recap: Good News, Bad News

And we have a “winner”! Plus, Jake and Kasey hug it out (much to Vienna’s disgust) and Mike Stagliano gets his heart ripped out on national television, Temple of Doom-style.

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Bachelor Pad

Bachelor Pad

type:
TV Show
Current Status:
Pending
seasons:
3

It’s unbelievable, isn’t it rose lovers? Somehow we’ve already come to the end of our “journey” — and while I did celebrate a birthday during season two of Bachelor Pad, I don’t think that’s the only reason I feel 1,000 years older. But at long last it’s time to bestow $250,000 (or $125,000 each, which comes out to about, what, $75,000 after taxes?) on two members of the Bachelor family — which they will quickly blow on breast implants and the male equivalent of breast implants: a Lamborghini.

The episode opens with Harrison quickly shuffling the remaining four couples off to Vegas (insert requisite hoots, hollers, shouts of “Vegas, baby!” here), where they arrive at a large empty amphitheater — the home of Cirque du Soleil’s Ka. Harrison emerges again out of a cloud of smoke to inform the contestants that their final challenge will involve being impaled on a spiked wall over 100 feet in the air… That doesn’t sound right. Maybe he said suspended. Anyhow, the Padlets will train with a member of the CDS troupe and then perform the routine in front of a panel of judges, where they’ll be scored on technical ability, showmanship, effort, and chemistry as a couple — because, as Chris Harrison somehow explains with a straight face, “it’s all about relationships here at Bachelor Pad.”

But at the moment, it’s all about white-knuckle terror. “There is no way I’m going to be able to do these moves,” says Michelle, as they watch two hanging CDS performers twirl and dip and dive on the wall. Adds Kasey, “I think I just shat myself.” His bowels have only just begun to feel distress, however, because the real pressure is about to be on: Each couple will perform a 50 second routine, ten seconds of which they need to choreograph themselves. Naturally, this sends Team Ka-Vie into a hate spiral. Kasey wants them to form a heart with their bodies, an idea that Vienna openly mocks in front of the befuddled CDS choreographer. “He has this ‘heart idea’ — I don’t get what he’s trying to do,” she sneers, making air quotes and rolling her eyes. The other couples are facing their own issues — Michael and Holly just aren’t “in synch” after last week’s Blake fiasco; Graham is so nervous he’s lost bladder control (“I’m literally pissing down my leg”); and Ella would rather be giving birth than performing these acrobatics.

At last the moment arrives, and Harrison introduces the judges — Trista, Mesnick (boo hiss!), and Queen of Bitch Mountain, who insists that Roberto carry her to the stage, because her foot hurts, or something. Michelle and Graham are up first, and since they are failures at everything but chemistry (Michelle’s words, not mine), they play up their romance by embracing before and after the routine. Ella and Kirk are next, and Ella keeps it positive by playing through helpful scenarios before their performance: “What would happen if this harness broke… and I went plummeting to the ground… and then my son would have no mother.” Looks like you answered your own question, honey! Anyhoo, she does her best, which isn’t very good, but at least her badonkadonk looks shapely in her unitard. Kasey and Vienna give a technically proficient performance, but Holly and Stag completely crush them anyway, in large part due to Stag’s fearless mid-air somersaulting. Afterwards, Mesnick just happens to ask them if they’re dating, just because Team Bachelor Pad doesn’t think they’ve hit the unrequited love note quite hard enough.

NEXT: Goodbye, Queen of Milf Island

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