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Bachelor Pad recap: Pair Tactics

The contestants are forced to form teams of two, which leaves bad boy Blake out in the cold.

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Bachelor Pad

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Happy day after Labor Day, rose lovers! I feel a little guilty that rather than spending this day celebrating the can-do spirit of the American worker, I instead spent two hours with a bunch of unemployed morons who list things like “children’s book author” and “entrepreneur” as their job descriptions. (Kudos to Vienna, however, for keeping it real.)

We begin with the tail end of last week’s rose ceremony, as everyone files grimly back into the living room and sits morosely on the couch, where they’ve clearly been told to wait for Harrison’s “surprise” announcement: It’s time to (officially) pair up, folks! This news makes absolutely no difference to anyone but Erica and Blake, as they are the only two players who have not yet paired up like animals on a Noah’s Ark booze cruise. Though Blake would have much rather gotten Holly as a partner, of course he agrees to pair with the Princess — he has no choice — but Erica thinks he should express a little bit more excitement. “I’m a lot smarter than Holly is,” explains Erica. “And in my opinion I am a lot prettier.”

As Harrison has warned the duos that they need to get to know their partner before tomorrow’s competition, the couples immediately begin data dumping biographical information in each other’s lap. Vienna — who has been consistently overconfident before every challenge — assumes she and Kasey have it in the bag, seeing as they’ve been together for six whole months, and her boyfriend agrees: “We’re gonna take this thing and we’re gonna win it. It’s so close I can smell it,” he adds, drawing two fingers across his nose in a gesture that is not technically obscene yet comes across as completely disgusting anyway.

Moving on, it’s time to play The Nearlywed Game, which — for those of you who have never seen the Game Show Network — is a game in which men and women answer questions about each other and then must predict what answer their partners gave. It becomes clear very early on that Kasey and Vienna prefer to talk at each other rather than to each other, because by round three — “What quality do you think your exes miss the most?” — they still have zero points. For the latter question, Vienna goes with boobs, but Kasey guesses teeth. “Seriously?” sneers Vienna. (In Kasey’s defense, maybe he thought she dated Ashley the Bachelorette/dental student. After all, Vienna is like the community bike of Bachelor Town — everybody gets a ride.)

Still, she should be mad, because Blake and Erica — two people who have been playing together for all of 17 minutes — are kicking everyone else’s butt. It doesn’t hurt that Team Bachelor Pad insists on asking some of the questions multiple ways; is there really going to be a different answer to what player would your partner like to kiss and what player would he/she like to sleep with? Of course the latter two questions were on the board simply to make Stagliano feel like crap, which he does when Holly chooses Blake as the answer to both. Sighs Stag, “Part of me just wants to punch him in his perfect, ridiculous dentist teeth.” (Do it!) Blake the snake gets his a few minutes later, when all the contestants are asked who they like least in the house — and naturally everyone picks him. “Yes, I realize that nobody likes me,” says Blake,  “and it sucks.”

NEXT: Somebody call Child Protective Services! Some pervert deflowered baby Graham!