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Bachelor Pad recap: Kiss of Death

The contestants compete for the title of Best Kisser, while Michael and Holly’s relationship approaches the (re)breaking point

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Bachelor Pad

Bachelor Pad

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Hello again, rose lovers! I hope all of you made it safely through the recent patch of inclement weather. Oh — no, I’m not talking about Irene. I meant Tropical Depression Melissa. As you know, storms like this can be deadly, with gale force gusts of hot air and dousing sheets of tears. Stay safe, everybody!

So we pick up right where the Sopranos-style smash-cut to black ending left off. As Harrison calls Kasey’s name, Jake smirks, Vienna tosses her head back in relief, and Kasey strides purposefully up to his woman and plants one on her. Jake decides to use his “few moments” to “say your goodbyes” as a platform to scream obscenities at his enemies… oh, no, sorry, he actually just makes a very polite speech, telling his assorted former opponents that if they want any chance of winning, they need to knock out the all-important Power Couples. “Kasey, amazing meeting you, he says, then bows to his former fiancé. “Vienna, my apologies — in my heart, you’re forgiven.” Wait a second — what happened to him taking a few people down with him? I guess that was last week’s goal; in the Reject Limo Jake says that he only came on Bachelor Pad so he could find closure with Vienna, forgive her, and move on with his life. “The last time I left in a limousine I was heartbroken. This time, I’m glad to be out of that f—ing crazy house!”

Back inside the Pad, Kasey and Vienna are making googly eyes at each other and offering insincere thanks to the other contestants for their votes. Not everyone is having it. “Kasey and Vienna are just sitting there with ugly little expressions on their ugly little faces, thinking that they run sh– around here,” sneers Erica. “I think everyone’s getting sick of the two of them.”

Harrison greets the gang the next morning in the living room, where Vienna and Kasey are already plotting who will be the final eight: The two of them, Michael and Holly, Graham and Michelle, and Kirk and Ella. “The rest of them? They’re expendable,” explains Vienna. Not so fast, Princess Bug-Eye! Because Harrison’s got a surprise for you: “I know it’s early — I hope you all brushed,” he warns. “Get ready for the second annual Bachelor Pad kissing contest!” The only one who looks happy about this is Melissa. Everyone else looks like Harrison just told them they have to kill a unicorn and turn it into meatloaf. Michelle immediately begs off, because she has a six-year-old daughter, and, well, “I try to be a good example for her.” Oh, honey. Horse. Barn. Way, way, waaaay out.

The “ladies” are the kiss-ees first, and Harrison leads a blindfolded Holly out to the pool, where the Pad’s dudes are lined up by the pool. Poor Stag is not loving the idea of watching his ex kiss all the other guys — something that William, as dumb as he is, recognizes, so he just gives her a quick peck on the lips.

NEXT: It’s called mouthwash, Kasey. Look into it.