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Bachelor Pad recap: Coup D'Nah

The stragglers team up to take on the power couples, but King Kasey and his Kourt aren’t ready to leave life in the Pad.

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Bachelor Pad

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Remember last week, rose lovers? When the Pad seemed like a magical place where anything is possible, and anyone — even a guy who stubbornly insists on wearing red pants — can find love? Yeah, that was a lie. The Pad is a McMansion built on the burial ground where all human decency went to die. Get used to it. Ready for week three?

Immediately after the rose ceremony, Blake is in damage control mode with Melissa, but she is having none of it. “Why don’t you start with, ‘I am so sorry I played you for a fool,'” she snaps. “Why don’t you be a man?” Uh-oh, this is bad, thinks Blake. But at least I’m not Jake. It doesn’t look like that much fun to be Holly either at this moment, seeing as Melissa is busy whisper-yelling at her for flirting with “her” “man.” Pish-posh, says Holly. She flirts with everybody — it’s her “nature.” Whether Melissa believes her or not, it only strengthens her desire to send Blake packing.

Wake up, Stag! It’s time for the next competition. Suit up and let’s head to the pool. Jake remains Public Enemy No. 1, but he isn’t worried. “There a couple of things I’m just really blessed with,” he explains. “Mental durability, uh, physical strength, and problem solving. So if it falls into any of those three categories, I’ll do well.” Well, one out of three ain’t bad: You’re going to be performing a synchronized swimming routine! Many of the “ladies” — two of whom, Holly and Melissa, were cheerleaders — are thrilled, while the men look like they’d rather be in Lamaze class. True to form, Erica has no interest in anything that involves thinking or physical motion. Plus, she’s never learned how to dive. “The closest thing I’ve done to synchronized swimming in laying out by the pool.”

But wouldn’t you know it, the guys are actually pretty good (Jake learned “technique” from Dancing With the Stars and Stag is, after all, a breakdancer), while the “ladies” are, as Melissa says, a “hot mess.” But the good news is they all have garishly colored flowers sewn on to their bikini tops, which may distract the judges — Olympic Gold medalist Karen Rosolowski and Bachelor Pad 1 winners Dave and Natalie — from how bad they are. The women go first, and while they definitely get the “swimming” part right, there is nothing synchronized about it. Erica — whom one would think might be good at this sport, seeing as she has built-in flotation devices — is about three beats behind the other women, while Michelle and Holly decide to throw a little smooch in at the end, perhaps in hopes that Olympic gold medalist Karen Rosolowski likes a little girl-on-girl action.

I’m not sure how long the teams were practicing before the competition, but the men (especially Kasey) are sunburned to a crisp. Did Team Bachelor Pad not spring for water resistant SPF? Even so, the guys’ routine is a delight to behold. Though no one on God’s green earth looks good in a Speedo (except this man), the men don’t let a little thing like body shame get in their way. They dive, twirl, kick, and flutter with gusto under Stag’s boisterous leadership, and Karen gives the breakdancer the rose. When it comes to the “ladies,” Natalie and Dave have props for Holly and Vienna, but the qualified professional says the least awful performer was, in fact, Michelle. Better luck never next time, Vienna!

NEXT: King Kasey is not happy with his queen