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Bachelor Pad season finale recap: There are No Winners Here

After an evening of bad dancing, bad decisions, and bad bluffing, the bachelors and bachelorettes bestow the cash prize on one (or two) of their own

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Bachelor Pad Final 6
Rick Rowell/ABC (3)

Bachelor Pad

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It was part Dating Game, part Intervention, part Skinemax, and all gross beyond our wildest dreams. And tonight, Bachelor Pad ended exactly the way it should have, with a showmance trumping a ”real” ”relationship.” Take that, monogamy! There’s a lot to cover, so let’s get to it.

The post-mortem begins with a lot of back-slapping and toasting to the ”super-duper six,” but Natalie is having a hard time hiding her dismay. ”We made a mistake getting rid of Jesse B. and Peyton,” she says. ”I’m over the pacts at this point. Pacts are [bleeeeep].”

You know what else is [bleeeeep]? White pants after Labor Day! But no one told Chris Harrison, who summons the contestants to the living room the next day while rocking some blindingly white slacks. (Yes, people, I know this was taped before Labor Day, but is there really any acceptable excuse for white pants on a man?) The bachelors and bachelorettes gloss right over Harrison’s sartorial misstep and go straight to freaking out about the next competition: ballroom dancing! Kipper, who displayed tragically uncoordinated moves during his date with Jillian in Spain, is not pleased — but with trained dancer Tenley as his partner, Kiptyn probably doesn’t need to worry (provided no one allows Rainbow Brite to dance the dance that’s in her heart).

They all pile into limos, where Elizabeth — never one to miss an opportunity to browbeat Kovacs into loving her — warns him that if their dance instructor is female and Kovacs makes eye and/or bodily contact with her, she will set his bed on fire in the middle of the night. (Okay, I’m paraphrasing.) Once at the studio, the contestants are shocked to discover that they will be learning their moves from Dancing with the Stars pros Chelsea, Edyta, and Louis. It is no doubt pure happenstance that producers paired Kovacs and Elizabeth with sex bomb Edyta, a woman who, in Kovacs’ words, is ”so hot, it’s almost unbearable.” As the Polish beauty wraps her long, lithe legs around Kovacs’ torso, Elizabeth manages to cloak her psychotic rage in ”Oh-I’m-so-silly!” perkiness: ”I feel a little tinge of jealousy every time she puts her hands up on my man…. I’m starting to freak out.” (Translation: ”Kill! Kill! Kill!”)

A few studios over, Dave is doing whatever it takes to learn his cha-cha-cha, including hoisting Louis in his arms and spinning him like a giddy schoolgirl. ”I’m twirling him, I’m dippin’ him,” says Dave. ”And this is business to me. I’m not afraid to get in touch with my feminine side.” (I’m sorry, is this the same man who threatened to tie Juan to a tree and ”beat the s— out of him” for faking a shot?) Things soon get downright filthy, with Louie commanding Natalie to stick out her ass and ”make this really doggie style,” and to arch her back and ”stick your nipples into his mouth.” My goodness, watch your language, Mr. Van Amstel! Don’t you know Bachelor Pad is a family show? Kiptyn, meanwhile, is so confused and overwhelmed he just starts reciting a random series of dance terms: ”Hover step, sidebox step, twinkle, grapevine, shoulders down, hands up, small step, large step…” Could somebody please get him a glass of water or something? I think he’s having a stroke.

NEXT: From the Super Six to the Foolish Four