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Bachelor Pad recap: They're Fake, and They're Not so Spectacular

An anonymous survey sends Elizabeth into a shame spiral, while Kiptyn emerges as a power player

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Bachelor Pad Elizabeth
Kevin Foley/ABC

Bachelor Pad

TV Show
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Welcome, rose lovers! You’re just in time for this week’s Bachelor Pad vocabulary lesson. Wes, you were just in the middle of saying that Gia going home last week was, in your words, ”an atrocity.” Class, who can tell him what is wrong with this usage of ”atrocity”? Did Gia going home involve, say, 6 million people being put to death? No, it did not. So who can tell me a different word that Wes could have used to describe Gia’s departure? ”Predictable?” Absolutely. ”Completely her fault?” Yes, that’s another good choice. ”Really kind of nice actually?” Perfect. Now, let’s move on.

Inside the Bachelor Pad, the gang is performing the post-mortem ritual, and Wes just can’t let it go. ”Can we do one thing? Can we quit bending over and blowing smoke up each other’s asses?” (Wow, thanks for the visual, cowboy.) The gang sits in uncomfortable silence, so Captain Rage steps into the void and calls Wes a ”jackass” for not accepting the reality of reality TV: there can only be one winner. Natalie, for all of her ”I’ve made the rounds” bluster, offers some surprisingly astute insight: ”This game is all about relationship building. It’s not about the best kisser or who eats the most pie… He needs to be careful.” Just as it seems that Dave and Wes might come to blows, ding-dong! The Accent Table of Doom is at the door! Gee, you’re working late, buddy. I hope they’re paying you overtime. The ATOD comes bearing something beyond awesome: An anonymous survey that each of the contestants must fill out about one another. Brilliant move on Team Bachelor Pad‘s part to have the gang complete the survey at the end of a long, wine-soaked evening — when good judgment and restraint are at their lowest. Oh look, Tenley’s crying. Everybody take a shot!

The next morning, Melissa struts in and leads the group outside for the day’s competition. There, the gang finds Harrison (looking weekend casual in a grey henley) waiting for them — along with two long benches and some whiteboards. In order to win, each contestant has to guess how the majority of the other contestants in the house answered questions in last night’s Survey of Bitterness and Hate. And truly, the questions on this survey are inspired: Who is going to win? (Survey says: Kiptyn!) Who is your biggest enemy? The answer is… Krisily??? Did I miss something? ”Krisily is everyone’s enemy,” explains Natalie, ”because she’s straight up just a bitch.” Well, that clears things up. Moving on: Who is the most shallow? (It’s a split! The ”ladies” say Elizabeth and the guys say Krisily — but blondie wins, and her acceptance speech is a thing of beauty: ”I don’t know what shallow really means.”) I would have paid cold hard cash to be in on the meeting at Bachelor Pad HQ when the producers sat around brainstorming the meanest, most self-esteem depleting questions they could think of. That is my idea of a good time. When the time comes to vote which player is the dumbest, Natalie gets most of the guys’ votes (and her own!), but unfortunately poor Gwen — again, did I miss something? — is unfairly saddled with the stupidity title. ”I would take an IQ test against anybody here,” she fumes.

NEXT: Fake boobs, real feelings