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Bachelor Pad recap: I Want to Punch Gia in the Face

Seriously. Someone has to.

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Bachelor Pad
Rick Rowell/ABC

Bachelor Pad

TV Show
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Welcome to week two, rose lovers! I don’t know about you, but I feel dumber already. Let’s start this recap with a hearty congratulations to Michael ”break dancer” Stagliano and his brother Stephen, who recently got engaged to some girls. Too bad, Jillian — you had your chance. (Not to be outdone, Deanna’s ex Jesse also snagged himself a life partner.) Now, on to Bachelor Pad.

So, this is weird…episode two opens at last week’s cocktail party. Is it me, or is it very disorienting not to begin a Bachelor/Bachelorette episode on a bright sunny California day? I suppose the key reason producers chose to pick things up right where they left off is so that we could witness Elizabeth and Kovacs’ post-show debrief, in which blondie again warns her pretend boyfriend that people are ”upset” with him, and that he’s going to have to stick by her if he wants to stay in the game: ”I think it’s best if we show each other that our paths match up.” In other words, You’re mine, bitch! Kovacs is definitely feeling the pull of the leash, though he’s pretending to like the feel of the choke collar around his neck: ”I’m actually realizing the being in a couple is a better strategy than being alone,” he insists. Speaking of couples, Natalie has fallen hard for Tattoo Jesse, so much so that she lets him feel her up on the couch. ”I’m like, ‘Oh my gosh, does my hair look okay?”’ she confesses to the camera. ”I’m being all insecure with myself. It’s kind of frustrating.” Don’t worry, honey — Jesse has high praise for you, too, specifically that you are in ”rad shape” and are ”really cool.”

The next morning, while the guys are comically groggy — ”So who went home last night?” asks a no-doubt-hungover McAngry — the girls are busy strategizing…and worrying. Apparently, cliques have already started to form, between the ”inside girls” — e.g., women who live their lives inside the incestuous Bachelor/Bachelorette bubble, like Tenley and Elizabeth — and ”outside girls”, like Peyton, Gwen, Nikki, Gia, and Krisily. After Peyton explains the ”outside” team’s decision to join forces and win competitions (good plan, girls!), Melissa and her severe ponytail lead the contestants outside for their next competition, entitled, ”Eating Your Feelings (In Pie Form).” And that’s when things get serious, you guys. Krisily so doesn’t want to cry, because she’s not that girl, but…she has no gall bladder, okay? And, like, she can’t digest fat. She has to sit this one out. Win this one for her, won’t you ”ladies”? Win it for Krisily. Not surprisingly, Captain Rage has no tolerance for Krisily’s desire to stay out of the hospital, proclaiming that she should have just ”tried to suck it up.” Ooh, he made a pun!

Naturally, the first thing several of the ”ladies” do when they sit down at the table is whip their shirts off, because how else are they going to get pie in their cleavage? While the pie is a perfectly normal looking cherry confection, the women act like they’re being force-fed something fresh out of Sweeney Todd’s oven — though maybe it’s just the experience of having food in their mouths that they find so unsettling. Jessie, bless her heart, is the only lady who is going to TOWN, rooting around in the pie tin like a pig in a trough. You go, Jessie!

NEXT: You call that art?