Believe it or not, Paradise is coming to an end after the show’s shortest season to date…that felt like the longest. These people have been in Mexico for like two weeks, and yet I feel like I’ve lost years off my life. But finally, by the grace of the TV gods, it’s time to say A LOT of goodbyes.
With only one day left in paradise, each couple has to decide if they want to leave in separate depression mobiles, leave together in one slightly-less-depressed mobile, or spend one final date — complete with a fantasy suite! — together in Mexico. So basically, it’s f—, marry, kill, but this time it’s “dump, date, or f—.”
First up, it’s Lacey and Daniel. As far as Lacey is concerned, she loves everything about Daniel and would love nothing more than the chance to spend the night together. Daniel’s response? “I’m not done with you yet. Come to your king.” Because that’s okay.
And it gets worse: Daniel just hopes that Lacey ready for the “Fourth of July” in his pants, a joke that she thinks is funny, which proves that he better not be dumb enough to let this one go!
As for Jack and Christen, he thinks they should walk out of paradise hand in hand and see what happens next. But wait, did he say HAND IN HAND?!?! That basically means married, and Christen is losing her mind over it. “I can’t leave here as a couple,” she says, unsure of what to do with her scallop fingers in this incredibly misunderstood moment. “We are acquaintances right now!” Yep, apparently there is something below the Friend Zone, and Jack Stone is stuck here. “Every conversation we’ve had has been so swirly,” she says, offering a perfectly understandable explanation to her freakout.
Jack tries to regroup and explain that they’re on the same page, but what he doesn’t realize is that holding hands means one thing to him and everything to Christen. “Up until this point, we’ve talked about the weather,” she says, unable to fathom that this man thinks he can hold her freakin’ hand.
So instead, Jack gets in a depression mobile all on his own so that he can say “dude” a lot, and Christen returns to the place from whence she came: the ocean. (And apparently, it’s not happy that she’s been away, because the ocean is definitely trying to drown her. Whatever the opposite of Moana is, that’s who Christen is right now.)
As for Jasmine and Jonathan, they agree to part ways as friends while Raven and Adam decide to give the fantasy suite date a try. Raven’s not ready to say goodbye to him just yet, and Adam is amazed at how “easy things are with her.” (And he wants to see how easy she is tonight, if you catch my drift. You do.)
Then there’s Dean, who grabs D. Lo and takes her aside. Just as she mentions her hope for the fantasy suite, he tells her that he can’t stop thinking about Kristina. After she went home, he realized how much he cared for her. He tells D. Lo that he loves Kristina and, because of that, has to walk away from her now.
“Sorry for being an idiot,” he says as he heads to his interview, where he cries about his love for Kristina. “I literally hate myself right now,” he says, officially becoming the Jason Mesnick of 2017. Only, it doesn’t quite work out as well for Dean, but we’ll get to that.
Diggy and Dom part ways, as do Dom and Jaimi — much to Diggy’s surprise. And then there’s Robby and Amanda. Poor Robby thinks they’re perfect together because they spend the same amount of time perfecting their hair each morning, and he’s ready to convince her of the same with every cliché you can think of: “Patience is a virtue.” “Slow and steady wins the race.” And yet Amanda’s not having it.
The second they sit down to chat, she starts crying. She just doesn’t see this working out in real life. “Do you really see that?” she asks, to which he responds by telling her how hurtful it is that she even has to ask that. Yeah? Well, if you thought that was hurtful, bud, how does it feel that she’s dumping you? (Next: Fantasy suites)