What better way to celebrate Labor Day than by laboring through yet another dramatic, heartless episode of this season of Bachelor in Paradise?
When last we met our beautiful vacationers, Kristina was crying to Robby while, seemingly feet away, Dean canoodled with D. Lo in the pool. Oh — and he’d slept with Kristina that morning. So this week starts out with the guys breaking the news to Dean that Kristina saw everything. “You guys were there?” he asks Robby. “Why didn’t you take her down to the beach?” Right, because it’s everyone’s job to protect you from discomfort. To his credit, Dean clearly feels horrible, but I had to laugh out loud when he said, “I’m doing whatever my brain is telling me to do in the moment!” Dean, that’s not your brain talking.
So he decides to go apologize to Kristina, bounding over to her cabana like a puppy (which is a total 180-degree change from how he’s been acting in all other conversations with her lately: sulky, avoiding eye contact, terse). He apologizes for not knowing she was there, but she has to explain to him that that wasn’t the problem: It’s that he keeps asking her to “be patient” with him while he explores D. Lo, and that’s just not fair. “I don’t understand how I can have the most amazing girl in front of me and I’m flirting with another girl in the pool,” he says. Um, yeah, thanks for summing up what’s become the plot of this entire season. Kristina says that maybe Dean wants D. Lo because she’s bubbly and uncomplicated and won’t challenge him like Kristina will. Dean agrees, but changes nothing. As usual!
The girls still have the control for this week, meaning the new arrivals will be…more dudes! Great. First up? Blake. You might remember him from Rachel’s season for only talking about/fighting with Whaboom guy. Yes, both of them were insufferable. You can tell how well liked Blake was in the house by the way the other guys greet him when he comes down the steps: quick hellos followed by cringing glances or eye rolls at the camera. Not a popular dude.
Raven advises Blake not to talk about Whaboom as he tries to pick a date. Obviously he has a tough time with that. Jasmine politely talks to him, D. Lo flat out says, “I’d probably say no” when he tests the waters about a date, and Kristina declines because she has some stuff to figure out back at the resort.
Time for the second surprise of the evening: Fred is here! You might remember Fred for being an early favorite on Rachel’s season, even though she could never quite get past the fact that she was his camp counselor 20 years before. His entrance is the exact opposite of Blake’s: The girls seem to agree “Fred is beautiful,” “Fred is smokin’ hot.”
Turns out Blake and Fred’s date cards are a pair: It’s a double date. Fred goes straight to Dominique, who accepts, while Blake struggles and struggles, finally asking Christen. He tries to make up for the fact that Christen was his third (?) ask by saying that their conversation was the only one he had that “didn’t feel like pulling teeth” and that she seems “awake.” Wow, I truly hate Blake.
Their date is perfect for adrenaline junkies and a nightmare for anyone else: First, they go on a speedboat that does crazy spins and turns (barf!), then they zip-line, then they do that thing where one person sits on a giant inflated pillow-shaped thing and someone else jumps on it so the first person goes flying. Dominique is loving it, and Christen’s having a less than ideal time, feeling seasick and dealing with a finicky contact lens. I think I’m becoming a Christen apologist here, but messed up contacts are no joke and can seriously ruin your day. Plus she had to be with Blake! Nightmare.
Back at the resort, Jack Stone is having the opposite of a nightmare. Apparently Christen mentioned that Jack was a bad kisser, so the ladies of Paradise decided to put his lips (and tongue) to the test. Jasmine, Raven, and D. Lo all get some quality time with him, and all come back with the same report: He’s a great kisser. Glad that’s settled!
Chris Harrison pops in with a surprise announcement: The rose ceremony will be tonight, not tomorrow, and there will be a date card for an existing couple. Robby gets it (WHY?!), obviously takes Amanda, and they go to a local carnival. Robby praises himself for taking things slow with Amanda, but also wants to “move forward with her as fast as possible.” He even wants to be “young parents” together. I hate everything about this.
That night at the cocktail party, Ben Z. sends himself home to his dog because there’s no one left he’s interested in. Everyone pretty much agrees that was the right thing to do.
Diggy, on the other hand, has some work to do to whisk Dominique back away from Handsome Fred. But he does it well: He makes a little question game on cards called “Diggin’ Deep With Diggy” to get to know Dom a bit better. Then she flips the cards back on him (changing the name to “Diggin’ Deep With Dom,” obviously). It’s adorable. (Next: Christen finds out about Scallop Fingers)