Well guys, it’s been an entire six days since the Bachelorette finale, and for your sake, I hope no one around you used the word “journey” during that time, because we’re already back at it with season 2 of Bachelor in Paradise.
Everything begins in Sayulita, Mexico, where after the first two minutes, we’ve already seen more of Chris Harrison than we did in all of Kaitlyn’s season of The Bachelorette. Rocking his checkered shirt on the beach—I blame JJ for that—Harrison informs us that we’ll all be attending a wedding later today.
But first, we need to get reintroduced to a handful of the contestants that the show deems most interesting.
Ashley I: As she puts it, she’s best known as the “Kardashian wannabe who’s a virgin.” And yes, she does cry more than your average individual. And by “more than your average individual,” she means 1-3 times a day. (Somewhere, Ben Z’s head just exploded.)
Also in the introduction is Ashley’s younger sister, Lauren, the “slut version of me,” according to Ashley. Yeah, I’m not even going to touch that one. (Said no guy ever—sorry, had to.)
Jared: He is Love Man no more, everyone. That was for Kaitlyn and, well, we all know how that went. Now, he’s just a lonely guy with awful facial hair who spends his time walking and thinking about Kaitlyn, standing on a bridge and thinking about Kaitlyn, and heading to paradise and thinking about Kaitlyn. (Spoiler: His chest hair is equally as regrettable as whatever’s happening on his face.)
Ashley S: I have no idea why anyone would need a reintroduction to Ashley S, but just in case you do, she has two words for you: onion girl. But don’t worry, guys. There’s a lot more to her than her inability to identify fruits or her ability to see angels in the flame of a candle. She also enjoys playing with farm animals and, per her father’s advice, trying on boys like they’re shoes. (If Ashley’s family doesn’t get a reality show after this, all hope is lost.)
Tanner: He’s the forgettable guy with a good sense of humor from Kaitlyn’s season. And he looks absolutely terrifying when dressed like a woman.
Jade: After exposing her Playboy past on Chris’ season, Jade would like to thank America for having her back when Arlington, Iowa didn’t. And now, she’s going to paradise to
show off her body look for a real relationship.
Jillian: You might remember her as just an ass—or rather, a black box—but this time, she’s more than that: She’s also got boobs. After a quick breast implant, Jillian is ready for paradise. (And somewhere, the people who censor this show just started weeping.)
Dan: From Desiree’s season, Dan claims that he’s now a business owner, but there’s a slight chance he owns a convenience store. And I’m sorry, but anyone who uses their Zodiac sign in their own self-description might as well be saying, “There’s nothing actually interesting to say about myself.”
Juelia: The widow from Chris’ season, Juelia’s talents include being a really good guesser. Reportedly, none of the contestants know who’s going on the show, but somehow, Juelia is showing her daughter some freakishly accurate pictures of the cast. Conclusion: Juelia’s daughter, Ireland, only approves of Kirk (but that’s only because she hasn’t visited Kirk’s father’s taxidermy basement).
Tenley: Forever the runner-up, Tenley is currently dealing with the fact that her ex of five years, Kiptyn Locke, is having a baby with another woman. And you can’t really blame a girl for wanting those genes. So, for the first time in 5 years, Tenley is returning to the Bachelor franchise, and this time, she has her own business—which might be doing yoga on the beach? Regardless, let’s just say, it involves interpretive dance.
NEXT: A virgin and a not-so-virgin walk into paradise…