Well guys, it’s been an entire six days since the Bachelorette finale, and for your sake, I hope no one around you used the word “journey” during that time, because we’re already back at it with season 2 of Bachelor in Paradise.
Everything begins in Sayulita, Mexico, where after the first two minutes, we’ve already seen more of Chris Harrison than we did in all of Kaitlyn’s season of The Bachelorette. Rocking his checkered shirt on the beach—I blame JJ for that—Harrison informs us that we’ll all be attending a wedding later today.
But first, we need to get reintroduced to a handful of the contestants that the show deems most interesting.
Ashley I: As she puts it, she’s best known as the “Kardashian wannabe who’s a virgin.” And yes, she does cry more than your average individual. And by “more than your average individual,” she means 1-3 times a day. (Somewhere, Ben Z’s head just exploded.)
Also in the introduction is Ashley’s younger sister, Lauren, the “slut version of me,” according to Ashley. Yeah, I’m not even going to touch that one. (Said no guy ever—sorry, had to.)
Jared: He is Love Man no more, everyone. That was for Kaitlyn and, well, we all know how that went. Now, he’s just a lonely guy with awful facial hair who spends his time walking and thinking about Kaitlyn, standing on a bridge and thinking about Kaitlyn, and heading to paradise and thinking about Kaitlyn. (Spoiler: His chest hair is equally as regrettable as whatever’s happening on his face.)
Ashley S: I have no idea why anyone would need a reintroduction to Ashley S, but just in case you do, she has two words for you: onion girl. But don’t worry, guys. There’s a lot more to her than her inability to identify fruits or her ability to see angels in the flame of a candle. She also enjoys playing with farm animals and, per her father’s advice, trying on boys like they’re shoes. (If Ashley’s family doesn’t get a reality show after this, all hope is lost.)
Tanner: He’s the forgettable guy with a good sense of humor from Kaitlyn’s season. And he looks absolutely terrifying when dressed like a woman.
Jade: After exposing her Playboy past on Chris’ season, Jade would like to thank America for having her back when Arlington, Iowa didn’t. And now, she’s going to paradise to
show off her body look for a real relationship.
Jillian: You might remember her as just an ass—or rather, a black box—but this time, she’s more than that: She’s also got boobs. After a quick breast implant, Jillian is ready for paradise. (And somewhere, the people who censor this show just started weeping.)
Dan: From Desiree’s season, Dan claims that he’s now a business owner, but there’s a slight chance he owns a convenience store. And I’m sorry, but anyone who uses their Zodiac sign in their own self-description might as well be saying, “There’s nothing actually interesting to say about myself.”
Juelia: The widow from Chris’ season, Juelia’s talents include being a really good guesser. Reportedly, none of the contestants know who’s going on the show, but somehow, Juelia is showing her daughter some freakishly accurate pictures of the cast. Conclusion: Juelia’s daughter, Ireland, only approves of Kirk (but that’s only because she hasn’t visited Kirk’s father’s taxidermy basement).
Tenley: Forever the runner-up, Tenley is currently dealing with the fact that her ex of five years, Kiptyn Locke, is having a baby with another woman. And you can’t really blame a girl for wanting those genes. So, for the first time in 5 years, Tenley is returning to the Bachelor franchise, and this time, she has her own business—which might be doing yoga on the beach? Regardless, let’s just say, it involves interpretive dance.
NEXT: A virgin and a not-so-virgin walk into paradise…
Okay, now that we’re caught up on some of the producer’s favorites, let’s get to the arrivals:
First to paradise is Jade. Quickly after Chris Harrison reminds her that she was a “little heartbroken” the last time they saw each other—thanks, Chris—she heads to the beach, only to be followed by Jared’s patchy facial hair. Within minutes, they’re already—wait for it—holding hands. I know, it’s a lot to take in.
Next up, we have the introduction of Tenley, followed by the arrival of Carly’s new eyebrows. Then we’ve got Jonathan and Tanner. Long story short, most every guy is feeling Jade. But leave it to Carly to be the first person to utter the words, “Tanner is super hot.” (Translation: Tanner’s chances are already better here than they ever were with Kaitlyn.)
But what’s a group of sweaty, horny adults without an alpha male, right? Well, no, but we’re getting one anyway: Enter Mikey T. As Carly puts it, “T stands for testosterone.” In other news, all of that makeup doesn’t seem to have affected Carly’s ability to speak her mind.
So while Mikey offers to buff all of the men up in a month’s time, Ashley I brings a surprise to paradise: Sideboob! Also, she brings her younger sister, Lauren.
In my favorite Chris Harrison moment of the night, Chris mentions that Ashley is a “self-proclaimed virgin,” before turning to Lauren and asking, “WHAT ARE YOU?” (How does a person even answer that?!)
With that, the virgin and the “not-so-virgin” head into paradise, if only to give Tenley the shock of her life and introduce all of us to a side of Jonathan we’ve never seen (or wanted to see). Apparently, Jonathan is no stranger to handling sisters … at the same time. Oh wait, Ashley’s a virgin? He’s had a couple of those, too. And yes, they’re a bit of work, but definitely worth it. Use “delicious” one more time, Jonathan, and I’m going to vomit.
Within seconds of being in paradise, Ashley realizes that having her 24-year-old sister around could mean fighting for guys—well, yeah—and according to her, they’ve liked the same guy four times in their lives. It usually goes something like this: Ashley makes out with them and then as Lauren puts it, “I guess I finish them.”
I don’t know about you all, but I think we could all learn a thing or two about sharing from these two.
Elsewhere, Mikey and his boob sweat decide to take off his shirt and head straight for Lauren, and even though he’s 32, she’s dated 40-year-olds, so he’s, like, basically young. With that realization, they frolic in the ocean.
Next to arrive is Juelia, who in this moment is Lauren’s opposite in a high-waisted, knee-length skirt. But any sense of sophistication quickly disappears when she asks, “So you can just, like, go in the ocean?” Yeah, crazy, right? You don’t even need, like, a password or anything.
So while Ashley I talks about holding out for her Aladdin, Kirk arrives and quickly catches Carly’s eye, and Lauren decides she’s not into Mikey. According to Ashley, they’re into athletes, not meatheads. In fact, both sisters like Jared, but Lauren agrees to give him to Ashley—sharing is caring—before helping Ashley to make her ponytail “a little more Ariana.”
Next up, Dan arrives and makes absolutely no splash whatsoever, and Jillian arrives and makes all the splashes possible by wearing nothing but her neon bikini, her new boobs, and her black box. (But has she talked to Britt lately?)
The last guy to arrive? Here’s a hint: He’s wearing pink pants, a button-up shirt, and loafers ON THE BEACH. Yep, JJ’s here everyone. And no, Juelia, he’s not cocky. He’s confident. There’s a difference. Also, absolutely no one cares that he’s here.
NEXT: Ashley S finds her true love: birds…
With the male-female ratio at a solid 7:7, we know there’s one more arrival, and it’s more than worth the wait. Within moments of arriving in paradise, Ashley S makes a comment about her many layers—[insert onion joke here]—and gets distracted by a birdcage. Unlike Kaitlyn, she loves birds. More than she loves Mesa Verde? TBD.
As far as the guys go, Kirk is just surprised that Ashley S can “conversate.” (Unlike you, apparently.)
After a quick wardrobe change for Chris Harrison, he informs everyone that the men will be handing out the roses after week one. And fun fact: Ashley and Lauren are counted as one person. So if one gets a rose, they both stay. Or, you’re literally not interesting enough on your own. Also, this show is just begging for a threesome. (And for the record, Jonathan is so in.)
From here, we head to a wedding ceremony without telling anyone, which means that poor Marcus and Lacy—who met on season 1 of the show—now have Jillian’s black box in attendance at their wedding. And also Mikey. So sorry, guys.
Chris Harrison officiates the wedding, with his intro speech basically giving the couple a big old “you’re welcome” from ABC. But that isn’t nearly as painful as watching Lacy try to walk in heels on the sand. Why wear shoes at a beach wedding? Why?
Oh god, they wrote personalized vows. Did she just promise to love him selfishly? Why are they both so hung up on loving each other more every day? I mean, I think it’s okay if you hit a ceiling at some point, so long as you don’t suddenly love each other less. But maybe that’s just me.
With their family awkwardly standing, the couple says “I do” and pretends that they’re happy to have their “friends” that they just met in attendance. After Juelia catches the bouquet and they give their contracted “This show really works” speeches, Marcus and Lacy head off to allow everyone else to begin their journeys!
So what do we learn during night one? Lauren cries just like Ashley, only she admits that she can’t talk and cry at the same time instead of trying. When Mikey so sweetly asks, “What’s the matter with you?” she asks him to get her sister. The verdict? Everyone here is so old. Also, Lauren just generally hates people, so it’s really great that she came on this show. Now, one-half of the Paradise Plastics is going to bed.
Meanwhile, Ashley, the other Plastic, wants to get some time in with Jared, but when she sits down next to him, she freezes. Literally. She doesn’t say a thing. At this point, talking about how you’re a virgin would be better than this! Oh great, now she’s crying about it.
So while Ashley demonstrates her mad game, let’s check on the first actual couple of the show: Carly and Kirk. As we’re transported back to high school, Kirk makes fun of Carly’s tiny hands and then freezes when he should kiss her. Thankfully, Carly goes in for the kiss, and then suddenly, this show turns into a sweaty version of Grease, with all the guys surrounding Kirk and all the girls gathering around Carly. At this point, they might as well be singing “tell me more, tell me more.”
But you know who definitely isn’t telling anyone anything? Ashley I, who’s still sitting next to Jared in complete silence. Finally, when she decides to talk, what does she say? Oh just that she doesn’t give a crap about Cinderella but instead prefers Jasmine. As in the Disney princesses. And when Jared says she looks like Jasmine, her head might as well explode as she tells him that she’s wearing her Jasmine bathing suit. Talk about fate, right?
So when Jared asks Jade to walk to the water and talk—mic packs and water freak me out—Ashley is shocked. She thought that her Disney princess talk “solifided” things with Jared, and now she’s very confused. I, on the other hand, feel like Ashley’s definition of “solidifying” things answers a lot of questions I had. And now she’s laugh-crying. Dear god, it’s even more horrifying than I remembered it.
NEXT: Hurricane Clare
Couple update: Kirk and Carly, Dan and Ashley S, Mikey and Lauren, Jared and Jade, Ashley I and her swollen eyes.
And yet, Ashley I gets the first date card of the season, for which she’s asked to choose a man to get “dirty” with. JJ’s into it—and by “it” I mean dating, not Ashley I—but Ashley can’t see past Jared’s personality, temperament, and face.
So after Lauren fixes Ashley’s foundation and the two of them spend way too long choosing the wording of this question—Lauren vetoes “Jared, will you go on this date with me?”—Ashley somehow gets a yes from Jared … only after she cries again.
According to Ashley, Jared sort of looks like Aladdin—I see more of Eric, but whatever—and he can “rub the [bleep] out of my lamp.” Again, everything is making sense.
On the date, Jared and Ashley I are getting dirty in a dune buggy when she discovers that they’re a Scorpio and a Pisces which EVERYONE knows is the most successful romantic pairing of all Zodiac pairings. As if I have to remind you all that they have the most marriages in Zodiac history.
From there, Ashley finds Jared super cute despite his chest hair and the two of them enjoy a quick swim in the ocean, which in no way affects Ashley’s make-up. She then yells right over his moment of sincerity, but they both return from their date with smiles on their faces.
Meanwhile, at the house, Jared is being referred to as a “kingpin” for the first time in his life, and Ashley S is talking to parrots. Also, Jade has the next date card and after debating between Jared and Tanner, gives Tanner his first one-on-one ever.
I’d just like to repeat that, in this world, Jared is the kingpin and Tanner just got the date with the hot girl that everyone wants. It’s official: Bachelor in Paradise has to take place in some sort of alternate universe.
On their date, Tanner gets the Playboy issue out of the way, letting Jade know that it’s not a big deal to him. And you know what? Jade’s into it. She thinks he’s hot, even after they share the world’s most awkward first kiss.
In fact, they like each other so much that they go swimming in the nearby river despite the fact that it’s lightning outside … and despite the fact that there’s a beautiful not-brown ocean not very far away.
Back at base camp, Ashley I and Jared must be married in her mind, because she just told him that her favorite food is angel hair pasta with vodka sauce. (Look out, V-Card! Jared’s coming for you!)
Wait, why is there an ambulance? Suddenly, Ashley S is being taken away, and Dan is riding with her. Did a bird bite her? Did she pick something she thought was a pomegranate and eat it? Did she just realize that she was shooting actual human beings on that zombie date?
And finally, as an actual hurricane brews outside—no doubt Mexico’s way of trying to get rid of these people—the producers bring in a hurricane of their own: Clare and her stilettos. And she’s got her eyes on Tanner, Kirk, and Jared, the three sort of taken men in the house. Game on, guys.
Well, that’s that. I will see you guys tomorrow night. If you need me before then, I’ll be re-watching Grease and seeing if I can’t find Mikey’s get-jacked-in-one-month workout plan. Because clearly that would work.