Well, I have good and bad news heading into our next-to-last week in paradise. The good news is that there are significantly fewer crabs in tonight’s episode. The bad news is that, in their place, there’s even more of Sam and Joe. And at this point, I think I’d prefer the former to haunt my dreams.
We pick up with Joe being a “heartbroken dumb—” about the fact that Sam accepted Justin’s date. But he isn’t a heartbroken dumb— for long—well, at least not the heartbroken part.
Talking to Joe, Sam pulls a complete 180 and decides that it wouldn’t be fair of her to go on a date with Justin if she’d just spend the entire time thinking about Joe. Suddenly, Joe is back on cloud nine with his equivalent of grinning ear to ear which, fun fact, means his mouth is in a perfectly—almost freakishly—straight line.
Sam then goes to deliver the news to Justin, who somehow refrains from yelling, “but you’re so f—king gorgeous” at her again. Instead, he heads to Amber to let her know that he’s semi-interested. And because Amber isn’t too happy with how slowly things are moving with Dan—read: let’s get naked already!—she says yes. This way, if Dan really does like her, this will make him jealous. You know, because that logic always worked in sixth grade.
With nine guys and eight girls at base camp, everyone is awaiting the arrival of the next guy when the Old Faithful of the Bachelor franchises shows up: Chris Bukowski, otherwise known as that guy from Emily’s season, Andi’s season, Bachelor Pad, and season 1 of Bachelor in Paradise. (Otherwise otherwise known as the saddest human being on the planet.)
Showing up in a pink collared shirt that he’s desperately trying to turn in to a deep V-neck—it’s not working—Chris is hoping that the fifth time is the charm for him. And you know what? It works almost instantly! In no time, Chris has found the love of his life: Vodka.
But before Chris and his new love take things to the next level, let’s catch up with Amber and Justin, the latter of whom wins the award for the fastest person to burn on the island. Seriously, how long has he been here and who stole his sunscreen?
However, Amber doesn’t seem to mind his sunburn or his horrific dance moves—which are arguably worse than his hair—when they stumble upon a salsa scene. Heck, Amber’s so into it she intentionally removes his shirt—and even hits a poor stranger with it—to show everyone just how red hot her date literally is.
By the end of the dance, his hand is on her ass, so it’s safe to say that Justin’s definitely not moving too slow for her.
Jump forward about 10 minutes and the couple is making out in the ocean, followed by Amber crying over the fact that she might’ve made a mistake leaving Dan behind. (In other news, is anyone invested in this love triangle?)
NEXT: Bukowski has some thoughts
Back at base camp, Chris is absolutely hammered and looking to ask Tenley out, but not until after he drops this truth bomb: “Bachelor Pad is the best show that’s ever happened.” Sadly, he does so right after referring to himself as “Bukowski,” and everyone knows that the only people worse than those who speak in third person are those who speak in third person USING THEIR LAST NAME.
After drunk Chris spends some time in the pool and by the bonfire—the two safest places for an intoxicated individual—he says this to someone: “Yeah, I’ll hook up with your mom, for sure.”
So it’s no wonder that when Chris pulls Tenley away, she politely—and repeatedly—denies his date. She simply sees Chris as a friend and nothing more, and despite the guy’s confidence, he can’t seem to change her mind. Returning to Joshua, Tenley feels bad that she hurt Chris’ feelings, but as the oh-so-wise Joshua informs her, “He might not remember it.”
As Chris wanders off throwing things, Justin and Amber return so that Amber can immediately grab Dan and make Justin even more self-conscious than I’d imagine his sweat already makes him.
Amber tells Dan that she and Justin kissed but that the date made her realize how much she actually likes Dan. Well, it’s funny how that works, because when Dan watched Amber go off on a date with Justin, he pretty much felt nothing. So yeah, you’re an “amazing” person Amber, but Dan is going to go chase after Sam now because he’s a man and he can’t help himself. Sorry.
Seeing an opportunity, Joshua goes to Chris to ask if he can have his date card. And because he only wanted Tenley/can’t form a complete sentence, Chris says yes.
So as Joshua tells Tenley the good news, the producer give us an amazing final walk-off for Chris, as he leaves the island with everyone’s words haunting him. But really, he just got at least 15 free drinks out of his trip, so it wasn’t a total waste. Until next time, Bukowski.
The next day, Tenley and Joshua head to Guadalajara—the ruins of season 2—and meet up with chef Francisco Ruano for a day of trying new foods (including some cheese that’s sure to get them in the mood).
At the end of their shopping spree, the couple heads to Ruano’s restaurant, Alcalde, for a special dinner, complete with “horny cheese” and one of the “top three things I ever put in my face,” according to Josh. (No comment.)
Back at base camp, Dan says he only sees himself with Sam. Apparently they’ve had some “great conversations,” but I’m yet to be convinced that she can actually speak. With only eight days left in paradise, Dan is determined to get her away from Joe.
With that in mind, we head to the rose ceremony, where even Amber is nervous, and Justin really should’ve packed some black shirts to hide his sweat. On the chopping block tonight: Dan, Justin, and Jared.
However, with Ashley I still around, it’s doubtful Jared will go anywhere. Pulling him aside, she gives him a letter that she wrote, because she’s clearly a “natural born writer” and she’s “more articulate through writing.” (Yes, that’s proven in the first few lines when she writes “most mushy.”)
Ashley then hands Jared a term-paper length letter. Shockingly, she has “too much emotion to ever be brief.” So now the question is: Will he fall asleep before he finishes reading it? Or is it The Perfect Letter?
NEXT: Dan speaks his mind
Elsewhere, Amber didn’t get much sleep last night, and she also didn’t remember to put on a bra today. Talking to Justin, they agree that they had a good date, though inside, Amber definitely sees him as more of a friend. Looking for a connection, Amber finds Jared and tells him that he’s funny and she’s intrigued by him. So if he’s thinking about entering some sort of Witness Protection after that letter, he should let her know.
While all this is happening, Ashley I is obsessing about how “every angle of his face is everything I ever wanted.” Seriously, she thinks Jared’s face was designed for her, and that’s why she’s ready to “make a different type of archetype” with their love story.
But don’t get too excited, Ash, because Amber needs to tell you something: Jared was her second choice behind Dan, and she just told him she’s intrigued.
Fun fact, apparently THIS is the most emotionally overwhelmed Ashley’s ever been in her life. After all, Jareds don’t come around very often. (Literally, or?)
Brief break for this:
“How many times did you think about me today?” –Joe
“A lot. All day!” –Sam
Follow that up with some conversation about how Sam’s really good at bocce ball and how she and Joe are like Bonnie and Clyde … or Jordan and Pippen. (Because those two comparisons totally work together.)
At this point, Dan has had enough of watching this “generic ketchup” pour itself all over a “filet mignon,” so Dan grabs Sam away just as Joe offers to stare at her all day—also known as telling her to stop talking.
Dan asks Sam what was so amazing about her date with Joe, and she all but says that it was love at first sight. But Dan’s not having it. He doesn’t want Sam to end up with a bad guy. He thinks Joe is living a lie and not being himself because he’s scared of losing Sam.
Dan then offers up this wisdom: “Where there’s smoke, there’s fire.”
Dan informs her that the first time she’s out with her girlfriends and her phone dies, Joe will lose his mind. Got that, Sam? Because it’s rose ceremony time. Let’s find out if Dan’s words or Joe’s kiss will win Sam’s manipulative heart.
NEXT: Hit the road, Joe
After Chris Harrison reminds us all that love is the goal of paradise, the rose ceremony begins:
Carly gives her rose to Kirk, and apparently she can’t say his name without him smiling. I’d vomit but I love them.
Jade gives her rose to Tanner.
Tenley gives her rose to Joshua.
Juelia gives her rose to Mikey.
Ashley S would like everyone to know that the struggle is real, and with that in mind, she gives her rose to
Ashley I gives her rose to Jared, though I’m not sure she asked if he’d accept.
Amber gives her rose to Justin.
Sam, who would like to repeat that this is her first experience with drama, gives her rose to Dan.
To quote Ashley I: “What in the f—king world?”
Sam, the woman who’s still so new to drama, has decided that Joe is the villain and needs to go home. As Tanner puts it, Joe got in bed with the devil. (Although technically, he got in the pool with her.)
Confronting Sam, Joe wants answers. I mean, he treated her like a princess! But clearly, she wanted to be treated like a queen, because she’s so over all this drama. The most cringe-worthy part? Sam saying she thought Joe could’ve been the one and Joe saying, “I was the one.” Yeah, you don’t usually label yourself that, Joe.
Leaving all of it behind, Joe gets in the depression mobile and heads home with nothing but bad memories and the texts from Sam that told him to do whatever it took to get a rose.
In his final moments, Joe comes so close to leaving things on a good note by saying that guys like him don’t get girls like Sam because he deserves better! And then he ruins everything by adding, “I should’ve f—ked her brains out.” Better luck next time, Joe.
Back at paradise, Dan tells Sam that nobody blames her as just about everybody else blames her. And after Ashley S yells at her for intoxicating everyone—Ashley S included—with her beauty, Sam heads off to cry in a corner with Dan, who proves that all men are idiots by thinking that they have potential.
Meanwhile, Ashley S still can’t get over Samantha’s beauty. According to Ashley, she’s like Aphrodite or something. But Ashley would like you all to know that Sam wasn’t born out of a flower or seashell. Most confusing of all? Ashley saying, “She’s like a dead bird to me.” HOW? And someone get all the dead birds away from Ashley.
The final twist of the night comes with the arrival of Chelsie from Juan Pablo’s season. Carly then takes it upon herself to tell Chelsie to ask out Dan. And of course, that’s where the show will leave us.
I will see you all tomorrow night. Until then, I’m going to try and figure out if Tanner just said the phrase “p—y on a pedestal.”