Well, if you all thought last night was all about Joe and Sam, I have great news for you: Tonight is all about Joe and Sam. And you know what? Next week will probably be all about Joe and Sam, because clearly, this show hates us.
We pick up in paradise with Tenley teaching Carly about synchronized swimming, which proves two things:
1) This show will air anything that allows them to use a black box.
2) There really isn’t anything to do in paradise.
In our couple update of the week, we have Carly and Kirk, and Joshua and Tenley, whom I really want to call Josh and Ten. (God, even my thoughts are boring at this point.) Then there’s Jade and Tanner, Mikey and Juelia, Ashley S. and Nick, and Dan and Amber.
Then, in the lonely miserable corner of paradise, there’s Jared, Joe, and Ashley I. As for Sam, well she’s spending her time in her happy little corner of lies and probably narcissism.
Thinking that Joe could commiserate in her misery, Ashley I. invites him to the first meeting of the Dumpee Club. Why she thought she could actually talk about her feelings through her tears is beside me.
It’s takes about a minute into the meeting for Ashley I.’s cry face to scare off Joe, who doesn’t really handle emotion well. And for the first time, I feel bad for Joe.
So Ashley heads off to cry on her own and remember how perfect Jared is and how not even one part of him sucks. (Not even the facial hair?) And now she’s just going to compare every man to him and basically, she’s ruined forever. FOREVER.
And you know what’s even more embarrassing than all of this? She’s missing one of her fake nails. Talk about being ruined forever.
Leaving behind the misery, Carly discovers a date card addressed to Mikey, who gets to pick a lucky lady to join him for an overnight stay in Guadalajara. Shockingly, he picks Juelia, and she can’t wait to run off with her knight in shining armor.
But why does she insist that he’s the one who saved her? Hey Juelia, remember when you went to Chris Harrison and suggested Mikey come back? Give yourself some credit, woman! For the love of god, have some self-respect.
NEXT: “Gosh things are weird”
So while Juelia and Mikey make-out on a private propeller plane, the Sam-and-Joe saga continues back at base camp. Basically, Joe is ready to out her for being the mastermind behind things, and Tenley sums up the atmosphere for everyone else: “Gosh things are weird.”
Finally deciding to talk to Sam, Joe decides that this woman has two options: Either she takes him back and they go get engaged or she crashes and burns. I’m sorry, what?! Why would you get engaged to her? Honestly, these people need to take some self-love classes.
Talking to Sam, Joe informs her approximately five times that he has the text message from her that tells him to do “whatever it takes” to get a rose. And guess what? It’s not going to look good if he shows people.
With that, Sam quickly tries to save herself, telling Joe that her feelings were obviously real and haven’t completely gone away. But by some miraculous miracle, Joe can tell she’s lying. (Really? What gave her away?)
As far as Textgate—love you, Kirk—goes, Tanner thinks that Joe fell on the sword and then Sam used the sword to stab him in the back 18 times, which seems highly specific, but we’ll go with it. As for Sam, she no longer seems to care about this text.
Taking a break from all the drama, Kirk plans a fishing date with Carly, where the two of them watch the sunset, fish, and are just generally too cute for words. The catch of the day? Each other. I hate it, but I don’t.
Arriving in Guadalajara—a city known for lovers? Do producers just feed them these lines to see if they’re dumb enough to say them?—Mikey and Juelia find themselves at a Mexican wrestling match, because nothing screams romance like watching sweaty men roll around while everyone drinks beer.
Not surprisingly, this is the best day of Mikey’s life. I mean, how are they going to top this?! It’s a real concern—he just asked Juelia. Her answer: by doing basically anything else.
Finding a note from Chris Harrison, the two have the option to share a room in a nearby hotel. Juelia asks Mikey if he’d be uncomfortable, to which he responds with the most honest thing anyone’s said on this show: “No, because I’m a man.” But after Juelia instructs him to be a gentleman—or was it gentle man?—they head off to their fantasy suite.
NEXT: The second meeting of the Dumpee Club
The next morning, the happy couple kisses over their coffee breath before heading back to camp, where Ashley I. is currently getting a pep talk from Jorge. Why is she crying when SHE has the rose this week? Thank you, Jorge. Bless you.
But hey, at least she hasn’t cried in three hours, right?
Random fun fact: Joe ties his towel mid-chest, giving him a classic geisha look, if you ask me.
And in the second meeting of the Dumpee Club, Joe asks Ashley I. how he should win Sam back. I’m sorry, did he just ask Ashley I how to talk to someone?!
Her advice: Reintroduce yourself. You know, because that works in real life.
Later that night, over s’mores, Joe is rehearsed and ready to reintroduce himself. And yet when the time comes to do it, he drops the “you’re the most beautiful girl here” line for “I’m Joe. How are you? Would you like a s’more?”
Shockingly, it doesn’t go well. Sam goes silent, and Joe sulks away. And in the moment that causes Joe to lose me forever, he seemingly calls Jorge “Diego.” HOW RUDE.
With the night winding down, Justin arrives from Kaitlyn’s season of The Bachelorette, and it’s clear he (sort of) took Shawn’s hair comments to heart.
After Joe begs Justin not to ask out Samantha, Justin asks out Samantha, but not until after he cuts her off mid-sentence to tell her she’s “f—king gorgeous.” He then proceeds to tell her she’s a “great conversater.” I have no comment.
Wait, did Dan just say that he’d also like to get to know Sam more?! What is happening to these people? Oh, I forgot. They’re men.
After Justin reveals that he will be taking Sam on the date, Sam talks to Joe to inform him that she wants a clean slate. He doesn’t understand what that means. Why go through all of this if they’re going to end up together in real life? Um, probably because you’re not going to end up together in real life. At least, that’s not how Sam feels.
At this point, Sam tells Joe that she doesn’t want things to work between them, so if he doesn’t give up now, there’s no helping him. And cue Joe’s rant about how she’s out of his league and blah.
More importantly, can we talk about how Mikey equates being a woman with “hating” a lot of stuff? I have to say, that makes me hate you a little there, Mikey.
Alright, I’m done. I can’t take this depressing “paradise” for another moment. I will see you all next week. Until then, I’m going to do literally anything that doesn’t involve the words Joe or Sam. Good lord, this show has ruined my own name for me.