Well, if you all thought last night was all about Joe and Sam, I have great news for you: Tonight is all about Joe and Sam. And you know what? Next week will probably be all about Joe and Sam, because clearly, this show hates us.
We pick up in paradise with Tenley teaching Carly about synchronized swimming, which proves two things:
1) This show will air anything that allows them to use a black box.
2) There really isn’t anything to do in paradise.
In our couple update of the week, we have Carly and Kirk, and Joshua and Tenley, whom I really want to call Josh and Ten. (God, even my thoughts are boring at this point.) Then there’s Jade and Tanner, Mikey and Juelia, Ashley S. and Nick, and Dan and Amber.
Then, in the lonely miserable corner of paradise, there’s Jared, Joe, and Ashley I. As for Sam, well she’s spending her time in her happy little corner of lies and probably narcissism.
Thinking that Joe could commiserate in her misery, Ashley I. invites him to the first meeting of the Dumpee Club. Why she thought she could actually talk about her feelings through her tears is beside me.
It’s takes about a minute into the meeting for Ashley I.’s cry face to scare off Joe, who doesn’t really handle emotion well. And for the first time, I feel bad for Joe.
So Ashley heads off to cry on her own and remember how perfect Jared is and how not even one part of him sucks. (Not even the facial hair?) And now she’s just going to compare every man to him and basically, she’s ruined forever. FOREVER.
And you know what’s even more embarrassing than all of this? She’s missing one of her fake nails. Talk about being ruined forever.
Leaving behind the misery, Carly discovers a date card addressed to Mikey, who gets to pick a lucky lady to join him for an overnight stay in Guadalajara. Shockingly, he picks Juelia, and she can’t wait to run off with her knight in shining armor.
But why does she insist that he’s the one who saved her? Hey Juelia, remember when you went to Chris Harrison and suggested Mikey come back? Give yourself some credit, woman! For the love of god, have some self-respect.
NEXT: “Gosh things are weird”