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Bachelor in Paradise recap: A (tequila) shot at love

Mikey returns, Sam rethinks things with Joe, and Ashley S. gets so drunk she talks about incest.

Posted on

ABC

Bachelor in Paradise

type:
TV Show
Current Status:
In Season
seasons:
2
run date:
08/04/14
performer:
Chris Harrison
broadcaster:
ABC
genre:
Reality TV

Before we get into the action of this week, here’s a quick refresher on where we left off:

“Get the f— up here you little piece of s—,” said JJ to a very unlikable Joe.

And you thought all these crabs were crabby, amirite? (Seriously though, why are they climbing the walls?!)

Sadly, however, JJ’s crabbiness dissipates almost immediately in the instant that Jared asks him to calm down. If only someone had insulted his outfit like Clint did, maybe we at least would’ve gotten some JJ-on-JJ violence. (Not that I’m promoting violence or anything.)

Instead, the altercation dies just as quickly as it began, and suddenly, JJ’s offering Juelia his rose. However, she’s all “thanks but no thanks.” She wants to stay, but she’s going to find another way.

Meanwhile, Joe heads straight to talk to his buddy Jorge about how he clearly just made JJ his bitch … by walking away? Joe then tells Jorge that what everyone doesn’t realize is that Sam was in on it the whole time. (Spoiler: Everyone realizes that Sam was in on it the whole time.)

But Sam is all “NBD” and “haters gonna hate,” because she’s so over all this drama. As for Joe, he says this: “I’m her guy and she’s my girl, right?”

At the rose ceremony, Kirk—and his adorable suspenders—gives us the lowdown: Three women will be going home tonight, and the odds aren’t in favor of Juelia, Clare, or Ashley S. And then there’s Chris Harrison, who clearly knows of a better party going on tonight, because he’s all “the best thing I can do is get out of your way.” Seriously, where are you going, Harrison?

Then again, maybe his idea of a party is just being able to not wear a blazer in the Mexico heat, because after Joe attempts to come clean—he reached out to Sam on Instagram of all places—and Sam refuses, Juelia decides to make one final plea to stay on the island. Finding Chris Harrison blazer-less and talking to a producer, Juelia asks if the show would be willing to bring back Mikey. Apparently, Juelia and Mikey had quite the invisible connection before all the Joe stuff, and she regrets not giving him her rose.

But can Chris Harrison do it?! I know, I know. It’s a stupid question. OF COURSE HE CAN.

As the night comes to an end, Ashley I. takes Jared away so that she can stare at his perfect jawline and not say a single thing to him. In other words, she literally just wanted to stare at him. Oh wait, now she’s asking him why he’s only kissed her once, and just for future reference, if you have to ask that, you already have your answer.

But after Ashley I. talks about her “crush,” Jared gives in and takes one for the team, once again risking his life by locking lips with the world’s most aggressive kisser. Ashley claims she’s better at kissing Jared than she was Chris, but either way, I’m just glad they weren’t positioned on the edge of a roof.

NEXT: JJ makes a shocking decision

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