Before we get into the action of this week, here’s a quick refresher on where we left off:
“Get the f— up here you little piece of s—,” said JJ to a very unlikable Joe.
And you thought all these crabs were crabby, amirite? (Seriously though, why are they climbing the walls?!)
Sadly, however, JJ’s crabbiness dissipates almost immediately in the instant that Jared asks him to calm down. If only someone had insulted his outfit like Clint did, maybe we at least would’ve gotten some JJ-on-JJ violence. (Not that I’m promoting violence or anything.)
Instead, the altercation dies just as quickly as it began, and suddenly, JJ’s offering Juelia his rose. However, she’s all “thanks but no thanks.” She wants to stay, but she’s going to find another way.
Meanwhile, Joe heads straight to talk to his buddy Jorge about how he clearly just made JJ his bitch … by walking away? Joe then tells Jorge that what everyone doesn’t realize is that Sam was in on it the whole time. (Spoiler: Everyone realizes that Sam was in on it the whole time.)
But Sam is all “NBD” and “haters gonna hate,” because she’s so over all this drama. As for Joe, he says this: “I’m her guy and she’s my girl, right?”
At the rose ceremony, Kirk—and his adorable suspenders—gives us the lowdown: Three women will be going home tonight, and the odds aren’t in favor of Juelia, Clare, or Ashley S. And then there’s Chris Harrison, who clearly knows of a better party going on tonight, because he’s all “the best thing I can do is get out of your way.” Seriously, where are you going, Harrison?
Then again, maybe his idea of a party is just being able to not wear a blazer in the Mexico heat, because after Joe attempts to come clean—he reached out to Sam on Instagram of all places—and Sam refuses, Juelia decides to make one final plea to stay on the island. Finding Chris Harrison blazer-less and talking to a producer, Juelia asks if the show would be willing to bring back Mikey. Apparently, Juelia and Mikey had quite the
invisible connection before all the Joe stuff, and she regrets not giving him her rose.
But can Chris Harrison do it?! I know, I know. It’s a stupid question. OF COURSE HE CAN.
As the night comes to an end, Ashley I. takes Jared away so that she can stare at his perfect jawline and not say a single thing to him. In other words, she literally just wanted to stare at him. Oh wait, now she’s asking him why he’s only kissed her once, and just for future reference, if you have to ask that, you already have your answer.
But after Ashley I. talks about her “crush,” Jared gives in and takes one for the team, once again risking his life by locking lips with the world’s most aggressive kisser. Ashley claims she’s better at kissing Jared than she was Chris, but either way, I’m just glad they weren’t positioned on the edge of a roof.
NEXT: JJ makes a shocking decision
Elsewhere, Megan and JJ are busy not kissing. The takeaway? Laughing and jokes make Megan a happy girl. Meanwhile, Megan and Juelia make JJ a confused boy. Got it?
At the rose ceremony, here’s how things shake out:
Joshua gives his rose to Tenley while I wonder why we haven’t seen more of them.
Jared gives his highly confused rose to Ashley I.
Kirk gives his love-filled rose to Carly.
Tanner gives his almost-love-filled rose to Jade.
And JJ gives his rose to Ashley S.
Yes, you read that correctly. And despite originally saying that she wasn’t going to accept, Ashley S gives JJ the most awkward hug in all of human history before accepting. Apparently, JJ broke up with someone back home to come to paradise—as one logically does—and since being here, he’s decided he wants her back. (Because why give up a woman who’s okay with you being unemployed, living at home, and wearing so much pink?) So he’s going to head home and try to win her over.
As far as his time in Mexico, he just hopes that viewers have realized that there are “many layers to his onion,” which I’ll leave open to your interpretation. Listen, you can sum up JJ pretty easily: he loves, he cares, he’s selfless, and he’s courageous, which are the exact adjectives used by selfless and courageous people.
All he knows is that his heart was frozen before this show, and now it is calcified. Also, you don’t know broken until you’ve walked in his
loafers shoes. But most importantly, all the hot girls here think he’s awesome, so…
With that, JJ is off to find
Clint his girl back home and hope and pray that he didn’t say anything to make himself look stupid. Sadly for him, he spoke on the show.
Back to the ceremony:
Joe gives his lie-filled rose to Sam.
And Dan, after a brief freakout about saving Juelia, gives his rose to Amber.
That means it’s the end of the rose—that was unintentional but I like it so much, I’m going to keep it—for Megan, Juelia, and Clare, who still thinks she should’ve been Bachelorette and hereby announces her retirement from Bachelor in Paradise. (But what does Clare’s retirement mean for the employment of that raccoon?!)
NEXT: Did somebody order an obscene amount of tequila?
As Megan and Clare ride away, Juelia walks up the stairs to find that, by some miraculous miracle, Mikey must’ve not gone back to his real life, because in the past couple of hours, Chris Harrison somehow flew him back down here for Juelia.
Seriously, if anyone is secretly Superman, it’s Chris Harrison.
With that, Juelia and Mikey are back to explore that connection that I’m pretty sure they made up, but hey, what is paradise for if not making out with people you only sort of like.
But before the night comes to an end, there’s another date card, and this time, Tanner and Jade find themselves hopping on a plane and then making their way to Tequila, Mexico to abuse some agave plants and learn about making tequila. You know, aphrodisiacs.
The next day at base camp, Joe’s world is rocked when Nick—that guy you don’t really remember despite the fact that he’s from both Ashley’s season of The Bachelorette and also season 3 of Bachelor Pad—walks in, claims he has also been talking to Sam before the show, and asks Sam—a “smoke show” in more way than one—on a date.
And yet, when Sam pulls him aside, she turns him down. So from there, Nick makes the only logical move: He asks Ashley S. to join him on a private island, where there will be more fruits and birds than she’ll be able to handle.
But mother nature swoops in to save Ashley from herself on this one, sending in Hurricane Carlos to keep the couple on dry land. Well, that depends on how you define “dry,” I suppose.
Really basking in the romance of a free massage, Ashley and Nick get absolutely hammered. And I’m thinking the producers had a few themselves, because whoever came up with this scarring bit about how Nick’s private parts are “ripe for the picking” and Ashley should “eat the fruit,” better have been drunk.
Either way, Ashley likes Nick’s short shorts, and while he tries to figure her out—good luck on that one, bud—she takes advantage of how all of that tequila is increasing her sensuality.
In the hot tub, Ashley randomly mutters “ESP” before talking about how her chemistry with Nick blows Carly an Kirk’s out of the water and raising yet another tequila shot to the fact that she’ll always be there for Nick … as a sister.
In this moment, I just feel like a lot of things started to make sense. Let’s just say those two didn’t make out again.
NEXT: Jade and Tanner are going steady
On another date, Jade and Tanner are offered an overnight suite, where he finally tells her that he has “actual” feelings for her. He sees himself falling for her and he’s scared that they’re going to get to the end of this, and he’s going to be heartbroken. But fear not, Tanner! Jade is exactly where you are and she would love to be your girlfriend. (I hope you like shoulder kisses, Jade!)
The next day, everyone wakes up to celebrate Joe’s birthday by completely ignoring the fact that it’s Joe’s birthday. Heck, even Sam doesn’t care. All she can think about is how Joe hasn’t been made out to seem like the best person. (Yes, Sam is just realizing this.)
But before Joe’s world explodes, Ashley I.’s has to, because, well, what else did you expect? Jared, who admittedly still isn’t over Kaitlyn, tells Ashley I. that she should fully “experience paradise.” After all, he doesn’t want her to miss out on love with another guy. Bottom line: Their chemistry—read: lack of any chemistry—is not what Jared is looking for, even if she does love his patchy facial hair.
Jared then leaves Ashley to cry and mutter through her tears that Jared is “pwerfect” and she blew it by being too nervous. As she puts it, she’s “never been so upset in [her] entire life.” Should someone remind her about that time in the desert with Kelsey Poe? No?
Calling Kaitlyn, Ashley I. proceeds to make Jared’s life a living hell by telling Kaitlyn that he’s obsessed with her and can’t stop thinking about her. I mean, if Jared didn’t love her before…
From one break-up to another, Joe makes himself an unidentifiable birthday dessert and invites Sam to his “party.”
But before Joe can even sing himself “happy birthday,” Sam puts an end to their relationship. There’s just too much drama, and Sam’s finally realized what Joe did to Juelia, and because Sam’s the worst, she’s not going to admit that she played a huge part in that. Bottom line: There’s too many red flags and Sam is walking away.
Joe tries to counter with the fact that there hasn’t been any drama today—you know you have a problem when 24 hours without drama is an accomplishment—but Sam is too far gone.
Reconnecting with Joshua, Joe flips his humanity switch, telling Joshua that he has more than 700 texts from Sam, and he kept the one where she told him to do whatever it took. As far as Joe is concerned, he’s ready to clear his name with “cold hard facts.”
Joshua’s response: “She needs to write a f–king book because I am impressed.”
I’ll leave things there, as Sam reconnects with her “friends” in paradise, Joe plots revenge, and I can’t help but wonder how awkward the ride home was for Nick and Ashley after her incestuous comment. I will see you all tomorrow. For now, I’m going to throw out any and all tequila currently in my apartment.