Hey guys, sorry I wasn’t around on Monday, but much like Clare, I just needed a second to myself to really think about what I’m doing with my life. I mean, am I too old to be writing Bachelor in Paradise recaps? Can I really see myself finding happiness here?!
Thankfully, I didn’t need Chris Harrison to talk me off the ledge. In fact, all I really needed was seeing Jorge—the bartender/savior of the show. Now that is a man I’ll support each week.
But enough about me, let’s get back to Clare, who never ever gives up on anything … but might give up on this. (I love how she’s talking about this like she’d be giving up on something important and not, I don’t know, reality television.) But Harrison—ever the white knight—convinces her to return to the rose ceremony with one sentence. This is why they pay him the big bucks: “You’ve been here a week.” Fair enough. With that, Clare is back in the running. (And the raccoon could not be more thankful.)
Here’s how things shake out:
Ashley I.—who could not be happier after kissing Jared and watching Clare’s breakdown—gives her rose to Jared.
Clare gives her rose to JJ. (Sorry, Mikey.)
Juelia gives her rose to Joe, who declares Samantha his “dream girl,” a label that shouldn’t be allowed until you’ve actually physically met someone.
So that means it’s the end of the road for Michael—which is why you never call a girl “Eleven-ly”—Jonathan and his vest, and Mikey.
But the real bad news is that Juelia can’t stop talking about how Joe is here for her and how he’s so very genuine. Meanwhile, Joe still thinks Mikey is his bitch as he preaches “rose before bros.” Then he proves once and for all that he’s never thrown deuces in his life when he throws up a peace sign.
The next day, Juelia wakes up with her spirits as perky as her boobs, which Ashley I. thinks look great. But that won’t last long, because Samantha just walked down the stairs to the words everyone wants to hear from Chris Harrison: “I don’t know if anyone knows who you are.” Don’t tell Joe that.
For those of you who don’t remember, Samantha was that pretty woman from Chris’ season. And this time, she’s going to make sure people remember her. (But you don’t want to know how.) Looking for a “good guy,” Samantha enters paradise and immediately asks Joe on her date. So by good guy, she meant what?
Joe, who just for the record still sits way too close to other people’s faces, accepts the invitation, and the rumor mill begins. Joe tells Jared that he didn’t know Sam before the show, but Joe told Tanner otherwise. Regardless, Joe decides not to talk to Juelia before he leaves for his date. But the real takeaway is this: Joe’s idea of dressing up for a date involves putting on a bright and shiny white V-neck. So…
NEXT: People Magazine plays “How many ways can we cover up Joe’s dad bod?”
And the date? It’s a photoshoot for People Magazine‘s Hot Bodies issue. In other news, People hates Samantha for choosing Joe. Honestly, would it have been so hard to choose Kirk?!
And cue the montage of Joe picking up Samantha—which is clearly so that her legs block his “dad bod”—followed by Samantha straddling Joe—whom they put a shirt on—and ending with the two of them making out in a shower only feet from an entire crew of photographers. Romantic, right?
Also, what makes Joe think that Samantha’s hot body is going to make his dad bod look better? That is the exact opposite of how that actually works, just FYI.
So while Joe and Samantha make out in a hot tub after the shoot, Juelia is back at camp finally getting a clue and starting to question things. But as far as Joe is concerned, he doesn’t care what people think so long as he and Sam work out. Spoiler: Based on these shows, their odds aren’t great.
By the time Joe and Sam return from their date (with flowers in hand), Juelia is done. Forced to listen to Joe talk about their shower scene and be ignored, Juelia finally walks away, and Joe does not follow.
Despite Jared’s pleas for Joe to talk to Juelia, he isn’t interested in Debbie Downer right now. Meanwhile, I’d like to point out that Joshua is giving Juelia a massage while she has girl talk. So if we’re ranking those with accents, it’s Joshua > everyone else with an accent > Joe.
Having some guy time, Joe all but tells Jared that he played Juelia, but poor naive Jared refuses to believe his friend could be so terrible. But he better believe it, because Joe just asked Juelia “where do you wanna go at?!” Ugh, this guy is THE WORST.
Finally sitting down with Juelia, Joe says nothing. He lets Juelia talk, informs her that it only took him two hours to talk to her, and then thanks her for taking the time. And as far as Juelia’s concerned, Joe might as well be Holden Caulfield, because his innocence is LOST.
Okay, now we’re at the point in the show when the producers continue to beat the dead horse that is Clare talking to a raccoon by having her call home and having it pick up. There was a point at which this was fun, and now I’m concerned that they’re enslaving this raccoon to be on the show every week.
Shifting focus to the human-on-human relationships in the house, Tanner and Jade are still going strong … but not quite as strong as Carly and Kirk, whose sexual chemistry is out of control. I mean, how could they not be when Kirk’s abs, according to Carly, have abs. Yes, Carly is super horny for him and no, she’s not ashamed of it. (Nor should she be.)
NEXT: Carly + Kirk 4eva
So when Joshua arrives with a new date card—which Jorge cannot wait for him to read!—Carly is overjoyed that her name is on it. Sex with Kirk, here she comes! Well, that’s if Kirk consents. At this point, it seems the relationship might be moving a tad too quickly for adorable Kirk.
So while Carly and Kirk run off, Ashley S. meets up with her main man, Jorge, to ask his opinion on Dan. And you know what? Jorge approves. Dan, however, does not. According to Dan, Ashley S. has been showing a bit more of her crazy lately, and he has a low tolerance for red flags. And that’s why it’s probably a good thing that the show is bringing in another flighty blonde for Dan to hit on. This one doesn’t see aliens, but she does occasionally bang her head into walls: Everyone welcome Megan, who’s already lost in Mexico!
Apparently the producers are playing a cruel game called “Nobody tell Megan how to get to Chris Harrison.” Instead, they let her buy a dress and a “sobrero,” as she pronounces it, from a local vendor, before asking the one thing that’s been on her mind since Chris’ season: Why is this Mexico and that’s New Mexico? Answer: New Mexico is a copy cat. Talk about a history lesson!
On Carly and Kirk’s date, they discuss the fact that Carly is currently missing her brother’s wedding day while Kirk slowly panics on the inside. (Fun fact: Carly’s brother is Zak from Desiree’s season of The Bachelorette.)
Fresh out of a relationship, Kirk didn’t plan on coming to paradise and starting something so quickly. He informs Carly that he’s not one to go all Facebook official so quickly with someone, but after Carly makes a call to her brother and gets emotional, he realizes that he’s been so “silly” about all of this.
Carly’s great, so instead of running away, Kirk kisses Carly under the fireworks—while fireworks simultaneously go off in her heart because #love—and then buys them both a hotel room. So when he changed his mind, he REALLY changed his mind. Requesting “one fantasy suite,” Kirk kisses Carly all the way to the room, where she announces that she is falling for Kirk hard. Get it?
Elsewhere, Dan decides to tell Ashley S. that he’s been questioning their relationship now that he’s started to see “differences in our personalities,” which is code for, “you crazy.” Ashley’s response? “I’m not crazy.” Just kidding. That’s far too normal. Instead, she claims that she won’t live in darkness. She lives by the sun and loves by the moon, and if he can’t meet her at the moon, she doesn’t even know him. Bye, Felicia!
Translation: (Like I would know?)
Finally, Megan is ready to say “Aloha, Mexico!” But don’t be too hard to her guys. She clearly just thought she was in New Mexico…
On her arrival into paradise, Megan is instantly interested in Dan and JJ, who wins her over with stories of unemployment and his mother’s meatloaf.
Meanwhile, all I want to know is how tall that crab is and how to ensure I never come face-to-face with it in my life.
NEXT: The scene that nightmares are made of
The next morning, Carly and Kirk are on cloud nine. According to Kirk, Carly blew him away. He says “she’s like a pinball machine,” which I’m positive is a sexual reference, but I’m also positive I don’t want to know what it means.
So we’ll move to the two of them enjoying coffee in their robes, already applying for the Cialis commercial they’ll probably make in 40 years.
Back at base camp—how many different names have I called this place?—Juelia is being knocked down by waves—the new Joe—while Megan wakes JJ up from a deep sleep to
scare the crap out of him ask him out on a date. To be fair, JJ would’ve said yes to a trashbag, but it’s better that it’s a blonde. He’s so sweet, right?
Thankfully for Dan, Ashley S. is still willing to have him meet her by the moon. Although at this point, he seems more interested in meeting her by the buffet.
So while Juelia FaceTimes with her daughter, Joe compares his situation to masturbating? I can’t tell what they bleeped out, but I know he said it “feels so good when you do it but you know it’s bad.” OR maybe he’s referring to the X-rated action happening in the hot tub/pool with Samantha right now.
Oh god oh god. What am I watching?! I NEVER needed to know this much about Joe, and that image of him with his hands behind is head is the only thing more traumatizing than the image of that one crab eating the other one. What did we do to deserve this?!
Well, if your eyes weren’t burned out of your skull by that last scene, we still have more to get to, like Joe finally admitting that he and Sam talked before the show, which Ashley S. believes is “emotional abuse.” And you know what? Dan agrees. (You know what I think was emotional abuse? Making us watch that last scene between Joe and Sam.)
Grabbing Joe so that Juelia can confront him, Dan brings Joe to his a–hole intervention. Step 1) Take off that American flag bathing suit. Step 2) Own up to your actions.
But of course, Joe is reluctant to admit that he played Juelia … right up until Juelia threatens to tell Sam, at which point Joe apologizes as quickly as humanly possible. Bad news? Juelia and Samantha go have a talk anyway. Left behind, Joe can’t believe that he might lose Samantha because of the drama with whatshername. You know, because you always forget the names of girls you don’t play.
And that brings us to the end of a rather traumatizing two hours. At this point, I’m going to go watch a few ASPCA commercials, because nothing could be worse than whatever happened in that hot tub/pool/house of horrors. For the rest of you, tell all of your therapists I say hello.