What, what, what the Chris-B-Harrison-hell are the unnamed bartenders serving these Bachelor rejects in Sayulita? Some of Joshua’s special coconut water must have filtered into the Keystone Lite keg because everyone in Paradise has gone total nutters. When the people you can relate to the most are the woman who once invited her shared-boyfriend to watch previously filmed naked video footage of her just moments after meeting her dad, a man willingly wearing a sleeveless shirt underneath a vest, and Ashley S., who likely has six parrots on her person at this very moment—then you know there is some tomfoolery at hand. And by tomfoolery, I of course, mean: frightening, violent, possibly sociopathic behavior.
Joe: Meet everyone. Everyone: Meet Joe. You might remember him from Kaitlyn’s season of The Bachelorette as the man who had no problem exposing his left testicle. But tonight he’s exposing something even more frightening: his personality. I have no doubt that there will one day be a Law & Order episode based on his life. Bro went full Kentucky-bourbon-crazy.
Your regular recapper, the ever witty Samantha Highfill had to step out tonight, leaving me here to recount to you how everyone called Clare old for an hour, Clare called everyone heartless liars, and how Joe described murals made of his enemies’ brain matter. Welcome to Paradise, folks! I always look forward to these hour-long Monday episodes—they’re so palatable. Someone usually talks to an animal on the beach, everyone tries out fancy braids at the cocktail party, and half of the episode is spent handing out roses. But not tonight; tonight, there wasn’t even time to get through a whole rose ceremony, so let’s get right down to it:
The episode opens with a hazy filter which can mean one of two things: Either we’re about to get a reenactment of a producer jumping off a balcony and breaking both of his ankles to avoid being caught in coitus (long live season 1) or, as it turns out, we’re just flashing back to last night’s Date Card Bomb. Jared—the handsomest restaurant manager this side of 26—got a date card and asked Clare—oldest woman in human record—to accompany him. This upset Ashley I. and Mikey T. You see, Ashley rarely likes men, but she very much enjoys the shape of Jared’s face (and presumably the variety of directions in which the hairs on those face point), so it’s annoying that he would not be solely into her. And Mikey… well, Mikey feels like Clare was too vague when she directly told him that she’d like to keep all of her options open.
But pouting can’t undo the power of a date card, so on a sailboat Jared and Clare go where she immediately uses her wily cougar ways to get him all wrapped up. And like they’re playing Bachelor bingo, it’s on to the bungee jumping and the speech about “a man who helps you conquer your fears” that is surely documented on a laminated cue card somewhere. Less expected were Clare’s
Microsoft Paint CGI’d purple bikini bottoms (“What the hell?!” –Jillian, somewhere swinging around a kettlebell) and seagull screams.
After a few smooches and probably a busted eardrum for Jared, Clare returns from their date literally breathless to tell the other women about it in the bunks… which just so happen to be upwind of the lounge Ashley I. has chosen for her next waterworks spectacular. As soon as Clare hits, “Like, as much as I could be curled around him, I was,” Ashley goes from casually picking her teeth to weeping. It’s unclear why she doesn’t just move down to
her own personal toilet the beach, but I stopped trying to apply logic to Ashley’s behavior a long time ago.
NEXT: There’s a new diabetic lawyer in town…