Honestly, at this point, if the ocean could talk, I’m pretty sure it’d say that it was jealous of the Iaconetti family’s tear ducts, because there seems to be a limitless supply of water there. (And unfortunately for us, that comes with an unlimited supply of snot.) So with that in mind, I’d like to welcome you all back to paradise, where crabs run free, and the only paradise-like thing seems to be the open bar.
We pick up right where left off last week, with everyone congratulating themselves on making it through the first ceremony. Well, everyone except Lauren, who is already crying and saying she wants to go home. At this point, she’s sweaty, she’s hot, and she’s sick of being around people all the time. In other words, this is her “personal hell.” I would make fun of her for that statement, but I also hate being sweaty, and again, the crabs.
Apparently, Lauren came on the show hoping to meet Joshua, the welder from Kaitlyn’s season … so that they could talk about what exactly? Personally, I see no correlation between the two—unless she just loved his huge Wreck-It Ralph hands—but Ashley is hoping that Joshua is the next guy to arrive so that she can convince her sister to never, ever leave her side.
(Can you imagine these two as kids? They were definitely the kids sobbing so loudly in the restaurant that every couple around them didn’t have sex that night.)
So with the kick-off of week two, Lauren has agreed to stay one more day to see if Joshua shows up and if they can find some way to bond. But first, let’s catch up with everyone else:
Ashley S is “kind of scared of the jellyfish,” which might be the most normal thing she’s ever said, and just in case you need a status update on her relationship with Dan: If a jellyfish stung him, she wouldn’t pee on him, but she would pee in a cup and give it to him. So she definitely likes him, but I’d say “love” isn’t in the picture quite yet.
Then there’s JJ, who—like most of America—can’t figure out why Tenley likes him. Oh, and let’s not forget about Mikey’s ponytail, who can’t stop complimenting Clare and telling her how good she looks in a sun dress, which is a highly specific compliment, but she’ll take it.
Meanwhile, Lauren decides to let it slip that she has a man back home. She’s crazy in love with him, but she wouldn’t exactly call him her boyfriend… but that’s probably because she’s a member of the Dirty Mistresses Club. Just kidding, because Lauren has no idea what the word “mistress” means. Apparently, this fella isn’t married, but he is involved with someone else.
And as it so often does, the thought of being some man’s second choice sends Lauren into a sob spiral, because she just misses it so much, you know? (Can you imagine how hard she’d cry if she were someone’s first choice?)
Okay, really producers? Never ever do I need to watch a full minute of someone blowing her nose. Ever.
But you might want to wipe your tears Lauren, because Joshua just showed up in paradise! Who woulda thunk?!
To answer your three biggest questions: Yes, Juelia made a stupid welder-sparks joke; yes, JJ and Joshua still hate each other; and yes, Joshua has a date card!
NEXT: JJ vs. Joshua