Tonight, I have to start by giving this show props, because that opening was the greatest thing I’ve ever seen. Jillian lifting a log, Lauren providing a realistic portrait of what it’s like to “model” on the beach, and Chris Harrison reading his own book? Now this is something I’d watch an entire hour of.
But alas, it only lasts for a few seconds before we’re back to reality, where JJ thinks the air feels “electric.” As he puts it, “Maybe it’s the lightning off the coast.” Just MAYBE, JJ? I’d say it’s 100 percent the electricity, but of course, he’s referring to the electric current that is Clare, who walks down the stairs in her heels to discover that Jared is “surprisingly very handsome,” which probably means she saw his facial hair last season, but he must look better in person.
Having arrived with a date card in hand, Clare quickly organizes a female pow wow to find out which men are off-limits. Seriously, these full grown women are calling dibs? Bachelor in Paradise is a half-naked, alcohol-infused middle school if I’ve ever seen one. (I haven’t.)
And excuse me Lauren, but you think Dan looks like Hugh Jackman? What do you think Hugh Jackman looks like?
Just like that, Dan and Ashley S return from the hospital and Ashley S decides that it must be her birthday because not only has she found a man who will get an IV with her, but there are french fries at the buffet! French fries! Did you guys see these french fries?
So are we to assume she was dehydrated? Are they really not going to tell us why Ashley S went to the hospital?! Clearly, this show has its priorities. Read: Health problems aren’t sexy.
The most we get on the hospital visit is Dan telling Ashley, “I thought I was going to lose you today,” to which I say: Calm down, Dan.
The conclusion of Clare’s pow wow is simple: She’s stuck with either Mikey or JJ. And with no raccoon to talk to, she heads inside to talk to the crab THAT IS ON THE BED OPPOSITE HER. Are you telling me that this show labels a place where crabs can crawl into your bed “paradise”? Because that’s how I’d describe my hell.
But Clare plays her part beautifully, talking to the crab about her crappy choices and, by the end of it, scaring the poor crab away.
The next morning, Clare spends her time creeping on people’s convos and “relaties,” which she pronounces “relashies.” Confession: I love abbrevs, but I just cannot bring myself to support that.
But before Clare can make up her mind, Mikey pulls her away. She doesn’t typically go for “big beef hearts”—again, pretty sure that’s not a thing—but when Mikey comes right out and says he would love to go on a date with her, she grants his wish. She then proceeds to tell everyone that he asked her on a date, which isn’t technically what happened, but as Clare puts it, in paradise, “you can do whatever you want!” (Like talk to crabs and swim in the ocean whenever you feel like it!)
NEXT: Does Mikey actually speak English?