I’m going to be honest with you all: This was my favorite episode of Paradise this season, and I say that mostly because it provided the sort of drama that I usually get from Shonda Rhimes’ shows. And if we’re being completely honest, I’m a little heartbroken. Kirk and Carly seemed to be two of the more genuine people on the show, and now I’ve lost all hope in love. (Not really, but it’s certainly not helping things.)
But before we get to the drama, we unfortunately have to go back to everyone talking about whether Ashley I will lose her virginity to Jared. Honestly, this has to be the most anyone has talked about someone else’s virginity since that one time the Jonas brothers revealed their promise rings.
All Ashley I knows is that she wants to take her relationship with Jared to the next level, which technically would be having a full conversation, but she thinks that means sex. However, if anything solidifies the fact that these two won’t be having sex tonight, it’s that moment when Jared “pops” the champagne and Ashley awkwardly asks if they should put a “cherry” in their drink. Yeah, that’s gross.
Long story short, Jared thinks everyone wants love — real insightful, thanks — and Ashley leads him straight to the fantasy suite. As if things couldn’t get more awkward, Jared asks Ashley, “do you want to have a seat on the bed?” It’s official: This is the least sexy fantasy suite in history. Good luck, you two.
Final sound bite: “Hopefully it doesn’t hurt a lot.” What doesn’t? Watching this? Because let me tell you, it’s VERY painful.
The next day, back at base camp, Tenley is perfecting the art of beach hair while enjoying a mimosa party at the pool courtesy of the best man here: Jorge.
Speaking of Jorge, he thinks Mikey is a great guy for Juelia, but Mikey doesn’t agree. Taking Juelia aside, he tells her that she’s the “sweetest, nicest person.” Using “awesome” far too often, Mikey tells Juelia that they’re just friends. Her response? To run away.
Note to everyone everywhere: Please don’t attempt to run on sand. It never looks good.
Packing up, Juelia continues to literally run away from paradise to return home to her daughter.
So with that done, Jaclyn is still trying to figure out which unlucky guy is going to accompany her sparkling personality on a date. She thinks Nick is a sleaze — very perceptive — and Mikey is dumb as rocks. As for Dan, his personality is “like super small.” Instead, Jaclyn goes for the guy with the most personality to offer: Justin, which goes to prove that women do not care about hair, because this is his third date in a row. Spoiler: He accepts.
Well, that is until Cassandra from Juan Pablo’s season shows up and catches the eye of Justin/everyone with a penis. She too has a date card and after some girl talk, she decides to ask out fellow single parent Justin. Twist: He accepts! Sorry Jaclyn, but he’s way more attracted to Cassandra.
Jaclyn considers it a “p—y move” to abandon her, but she knows Cassandra and Justin won’t last. After all, Justin is shorter than Cassandra and nobody wants to wear flats for life. (Except that sounds amazing if you ask me.)
What paradise has taught Jaclyn is simple: The keys to finding success here are having kids, talking to fruits/vegetables/animals, and being a complete psychopath. So by being unsuccessful, is Jaclyn losing or winning? (Losing. Always losing.)
NEXT: Ashley I cries … again
By the time Ashley I and Jared return from their date, there’s no way to read their expressions. Ashley is smiling but Jared isn’t. Translation: They didn’t have sex.
Also not having sex is Jaclyn, who’s still calling Justin a “p—y” as she decides that this would never happen to her in the real world. But Nick sees this as an opportunity. Despite the fact that he eliminated Jaclyn from Bachelor Pad 3 and then kept $250,000 from her best friend, he’s hopeful that he can get his hands on her date card. But Jaclyn isn’t about to let go of that grudge. Oh wait, just kidding.
After getting the ultimate revenge — asking Nick to roll around in the sand like a Victoria’s Secret model — she hands over the date card. Apparently, that’s Jaclyn’s definition of making somebody her “b—h,” which tells you everything you need to know about her life.
Elsewhere, Justin and Cassandra are riding horses on the beach and bonding over being parents. In fact, they’re bonding so hard right now that Cassandra’s tearing up. And you know what? She makes Justin smirk and smile, so this is a love connection if I’ve ever seen one.
Back at base camp, Sam agrees to go on a date with Nick just as Ashley I can’t stop talking about how perfect Jared looks when he sleeps. (Someone keep Ashley away from bunnies.)
But sadly, Jared doesn’t feel the same. Well, to be fair, he probably likes how he looks when sleeping, but he doesn’t see a future with Ashley. So even though she wants to hang out with him for the rest of her life, he doesn’t want to hang out for another moment.
After Mackenzie tells Ashley that deja vu means “you’re on the right path,” Jared pulls Ashley aside to explain that their connection isn’t strong enough and he’s leaving tonight. Correction: He’s leaving right now.
Somehow managing to talk, Ashley thanks him for making her realize that the total package exists before putting him in the
Depression Freedom Mobile.
Meanwhile, Ashley’s left to cry about how Jared was perfect, though I’m pretty sure she couldn’t name anything about him that didn’t have to do with every angle of his face.
Can we talk about how Jade and Tanner are making out across from Kirk and Carly, who are also making out? Guys, you have your own rooms.
NEXT: The most dramatic rose ceremony yet (but not really)
Leaving for his date with Sam, Nick declares this is already the best date of his life because Samantha is so hot. I mean, do you have eyes?! She’s so beautiful! What else does he like about her? Um, her beauty. Duh.
On their date, Sam and Nick enjoy a fancy dinner and Nick continues to talk about how hot she is. Then they kiss. When Sam asks what made Nick want to pursue him, he all but asks, “Have you seen you?” (True love, amirite?)
Meanwhile, Carly tells Kirk that she can picture them having kids together and that he’s her “idiot,” which translates to “person.” Regardless of what happens in the rose ceremony, Carly knows she’s safe.
Speaking of the rose ceremony, you know things are tense when Harrison shows up in a BLACK blazer. This time around, there will be no cocktail party. Harrison is ready to get down to business.
With that in mind, Ashley I leaves thanks to a bit of wisdom from Tenley. Apparently, Tenley has something she calls the “whimsical attachment,” which is when you meet someone with the qualities you want and it doesn’t work out, BUT it helps you find those qualities in other people and thereby find the one you’re supposed to be with. In other words, it’s called MOVING ON.
According to Ashley I, she “grew up” on paradise, so I’m really curious to hear her definition of growing up. Regardless, she’s headed home, and along the way, she calls her sister to give her the bad news. No, Lauren, she wasn’t in love with Jared, but it was CLOSE ENOUGH so stop questioning her, OKAY? #grownup
Now it’s rose ceremony time:
Kirk gives his rose to Carly.
Tanner gives his rose to Jade.
Nick gives his rose to Samantha.
Joshua gives his rose to Tenley.
Justin gives his rose to Cassandra. (But Dan was interested! Wait, what?)
Dan gives his rose to no one. Looks like Dan isn’t going to find love with Sam — but they were so compatible! — or anyone, so he’s going home, and his rose is leaving with him. Sorry, ladies.
Finally, Mikey attempts to give his rose to Mackenzie — because he thinks she’s hot? — but she says no. So they both leave.
Also heading out is Chelsie, Jaclyn, Ashley S, and Amber.
And here’s where we get our first glimpse at Kirk’s inner turmoil. As Carly sings about how “a rose is just a rose till he gets down to propose,” Kirk throws back a serious gulp of champagne.
NEXT: The end of the road
The next day, Harrison asks everyone to gather where he tells them that during their final week in paradise, each of the five couples with get a one-on-one that will lead to a fantasy suite, because it’s time to find out if these people can love each other
sober outside of Mexico.
And here’s where everything falls apart. Kirk tells the guys that he’s started to have some doubts in the last week, and he knows that he has to talk to Carly. The really uncomfortable part? Carly asking him if he’s going to break up with her and him shushing her. MAKE IT STOP.
On the beach, Kirk tries to explain that the past five weeks have been the best he’s had in a really long time. “You made me feel, which caught me really off-guard,” he tells her. But as soon as they started talking seriously about the future, he realized his feelings weren’t quite caught up to Carly’s.
Carly’s reaction is simply to go home. As Jade translates body language from above for Cassandra, she informs her that Carly’s “upset.”
Meanwhile, Kirk is asking Carly not to throw up — seriously — as he tries to tell her that he respects and adores her, which gets an audible “ugh” from Carly.
Kirk’s feelings just aren’t where they need to be, and Carly doesn’t want to hear it. She feels like he tricked her and she wants to go home. And we’ve got our second runner of the episode!
I will say that watching Jade and Tenley take off after Carly gave me chills. It was such a great moment of friendship, and Carly runs right into Jade’s arms. Direct quote from my notes: “I love women.”
As Carly updates her friends and packs her stuff, Kirk is still trying to figure out what just happened. It’s the worst break-up he’s ever had in his life and all he wants is to have a conversation with Carly.
But as much as Kirk thinks he owes her a conversation, Carly thinks she doesn’t owe him one. As far as she’s concerned, she doesn’t even know who he is anymore. I’m not going to lie, guys. Watching this really pulled at my heartstrings for both of them.
Jade steps in to try to get Kirk to leave Carly alone, but it’s ultimately Carly leaving that ends things. With both of them getting in separate Depression Mobiles, Kirk leaves us with this, “She’s gonna be so scarred, it f–king kills me.”
Meanwhile, Carly says she doesn’t think she’s ever been as happy as she was with Kirk. (So let’s just hope they aren’t headed to the same airport.)
But I refuse to leave you all on such a depressing note — though I would watch either of them as Bachelor/Bachelorette. Instead, let’s talk about how Tenley is my spirit animal for ripping her dress off mid-interview because of a bug. If true love does exist, I think I just found it with her.
All right, we have one more night ahead of us. I hope all of you are coping the best way you can. Me? I keep reminding myself that Jorge seems to be doing okay.