I’m going to be honest with you all: This was my favorite episode of Paradise this season, and I say that mostly because it provided the sort of drama that I usually get from Shonda Rhimes’ shows. And if we’re being completely honest, I’m a little heartbroken. Kirk and Carly seemed to be two of the more genuine people on the show, and now I’ve lost all hope in love. (Not really, but it’s certainly not helping things.)
But before we get to the drama, we unfortunately have to go back to everyone talking about whether Ashley I will lose her virginity to Jared. Honestly, this has to be the most anyone has talked about someone else’s virginity since that one time the Jonas brothers revealed their promise rings.
All Ashley I knows is that she wants to take her relationship with Jared to the next level, which technically would be having a full conversation, but she thinks that means sex. However, if anything solidifies the fact that these two won’t be having sex tonight, it’s that moment when Jared “pops” the champagne and Ashley awkwardly asks if they should put a “cherry” in their drink. Yeah, that’s gross.
Long story short, Jared thinks everyone wants love — real insightful, thanks — and Ashley leads him straight to the fantasy suite. As if things couldn’t get more awkward, Jared asks Ashley, “do you want to have a seat on the bed?” It’s official: This is the least sexy fantasy suite in history. Good luck, you two.
Final sound bite: “Hopefully it doesn’t hurt a lot.” What doesn’t? Watching this? Because let me tell you, it’s VERY painful.
The next day, back at base camp, Tenley is perfecting the art of beach hair while enjoying a mimosa party at the pool courtesy of the best man here: Jorge.
Speaking of Jorge, he thinks Mikey is a great guy for Juelia, but Mikey doesn’t agree. Taking Juelia aside, he tells her that she’s the “sweetest, nicest person.” Using “awesome” far too often, Mikey tells Juelia that they’re just friends. Her response? To run away.
Note to everyone everywhere: Please don’t attempt to run on sand. It never looks good.
Packing up, Juelia continues to literally run away from paradise to return home to her daughter.
So with that done, Jaclyn is still trying to figure out which unlucky guy is going to accompany her sparkling personality on a date. She thinks Nick is a sleaze — very perceptive — and Mikey is dumb as rocks. As for Dan, his personality is “like super small.” Instead, Jaclyn goes for the guy with the most personality to offer: Justin, which goes to prove that women do not care about hair, because this is his third date in a row. Spoiler: He accepts.
Well, that is until Cassandra from Juan Pablo’s season shows up and catches the eye of Justin/everyone with a penis. She too has a date card and after some girl talk, she decides to ask out fellow single parent Justin. Twist: He accepts! Sorry Jaclyn, but he’s way more attracted to Cassandra.
Jaclyn considers it a “p—y move” to abandon her, but she knows Cassandra and Justin won’t last. After all, Justin is shorter than Cassandra and nobody wants to wear flats for life. (Except that sounds amazing if you ask me.)
What paradise has taught Jaclyn is simple: The keys to finding success here are having kids, talking to fruits/vegetables/animals, and being a complete psychopath. So by being unsuccessful, is Jaclyn losing or winning? (Losing. Always losing.)
NEXT: Ashley I cries … again