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Bachelor in Paradise recap: My Big Fat Mexican Wedding

Mackenzie and Justin tie the knot, and Ashley I contemplates losing her virginity.

Posted on

Rick Rowell/ABC

Bachelor in Paradise

TV Show
Current Status:
In Season
run date:
Chris Harrison
Reality TV

It’s not often that mother nature gets involved in our lives. Most of the time, she keeps to herself, does her own thing, and we all just live in her world. But it’s evident that she couldn’t stand by and watch this Bachelor in Paradise nonsense any longer. So she grabbed a jellyfish and stung Juelia with it, proving that even the best of the paradisers need to make a change in their approach to life. Honestly, if that jellyfish sting isn’t a sign, I don’t know what is.

Fun fact: Tenley is the Chandler to Juelia’s Monica.

Meanwhile, the rest of the heathens are sitting around waiting to find out which guy Chelsie is going to pick for her date. And after quick talks with both Dan and Nick, she decides that the grungier one is more her style, and she asks Nick out. He says yes, but when he goes to tell Ashley S, she finds herself in the worst situation for having “the talk” with a guy: She’s washing her face. Horrible, right?

After Ashley spends 10 minutes—I repeat: 10 minutes—splashing water on her face, she talks to Nick just long enough for him to tell her that she smells like a brewery—so sweet—and that he doesn’t see a romantic future for them. Ashley agrees, but she really just can’t believe that he’d come talk to her while she was in such a vulnerable position. I mean, she had soap on her face. I dare you to name something worse than that.

Glancing around base camp, the only couple cuter than Joshua and Tenley is Carly and Kirk, who are on the fast track to a happily ever after … at least until Mackenzie from Chris’ season walks in. Just kidding, she’s not a threat to anyone except her future children whom she might name after vegetables.

As Ashley I puts it, you might remember Mackenzie as the “sweet, really young mom who loves aliens.” Or if you’re me, you’ll remember her as mother to Kale.

Getting the scoop from Ashley I—an always objective source—Mackenzie finds out that Justin and Dan are really her only two options this week. As for Jared? Well, he’s like a combination of Ashton Kutcher and Joe Jonas, and Ashley I cannot get enough.

Out on the water, Chelsie and Nick enjoy their extremely uneventful time on a yacht, where Chelsie decides this must be what it’s like to be Beyoncé, which is an insult to Beyoncé if I’ve ever heard one. Also, I wouldn’t call this your “Titanic moment.” You do know how that movie ends, right?

And you know what? If you ARE going to have a Titanic moment, do it right. Because I’m pretty sure Nick just yelled, “I’m on top of the world,” which makes absolutely no sense.

As Chelsie and Nick float on by base camp, Dan is still hung up on Sam. According to him, the two of them have more in common than any two other people in the house when it comes to passions, travel, etc. Honestly, I wasn’t convinced until I heard they both liked white rice. I mean, that’s the stuff fairytales are made of.

But guess who else likes Sam? Nick, who has no interest in poor Chelsie.

NEXT: UFO sighting or wedding ritual?