It’s not often that mother nature gets involved in our lives. Most of the time, she keeps to herself, does her own thing, and we all just live in her world. But it’s evident that she couldn’t stand by and watch this Bachelor in Paradise nonsense any longer. So she grabbed a jellyfish and stung Juelia with it, proving that even the best of the paradisers need to make a change in their approach to life. Honestly, if that jellyfish sting isn’t a sign, I don’t know what is.
Fun fact: Tenley is the Chandler to Juelia’s Monica.
Meanwhile, the rest of the heathens are sitting around waiting to find out which guy Chelsie is going to pick for her date. And after quick talks with both Dan and Nick, she decides that the grungier one is more her style, and she asks Nick out. He says yes, but when he goes to tell Ashley S, she finds herself in the worst situation for having “the talk” with a guy: She’s washing her face. Horrible, right?
After Ashley spends 10 minutes—I repeat: 10 minutes—splashing water on her face, she talks to Nick just long enough for him to tell her that she smells like a brewery—so sweet—and that he doesn’t see a romantic future for them. Ashley agrees, but she really just can’t believe that he’d come talk to her while she was in such a vulnerable position. I mean, she had soap on her face. I dare you to name something worse than that.
Glancing around base camp, the only couple cuter than Joshua and Tenley is Carly and Kirk, who are on the fast track to a happily ever after … at least until Mackenzie from Chris’ season walks in. Just kidding, she’s not a threat to anyone except her future children whom she might name after vegetables.
As Ashley I puts it, you might remember Mackenzie as the “sweet, really young mom who loves aliens.” Or if you’re me, you’ll remember her as mother to Kale.
Getting the scoop from Ashley I—an always objective source—Mackenzie finds out that Justin and Dan are really her only two options this week. As for Jared? Well, he’s like a combination of Ashton Kutcher and Joe Jonas, and Ashley I cannot get enough.
Out on the water, Chelsie and Nick enjoy their extremely uneventful time on a yacht, where Chelsie decides this must be what it’s like to be Beyoncé, which is an insult to Beyoncé if I’ve ever heard one. Also, I wouldn’t call this your “Titanic moment.” You do know how that movie ends, right?
And you know what? If you ARE going to have a Titanic moment, do it right. Because I’m pretty sure Nick just yelled, “I’m on top of the world,” which makes absolutely no sense.
As Chelsie and Nick float on by base camp, Dan is still hung up on Sam. According to him, the two of them have more in common than any two other people in the house when it comes to passions, travel, etc. Honestly, I wasn’t convinced until I heard they both liked white rice. I mean, that’s the stuff fairytales are made of.
But guess who else likes Sam? Nick, who has no interest in poor Chelsie.
NEXT: UFO sighting or wedding ritual?
If Chelsie were smart, she’d come home and go straight to Jorge, who knows all, sees all, serves all. And right now, he’s serving Amber and Justin a few drinks with a side of advice while Mackenzie continues to turn to Ashley I for guidance.
Trying to decode her date card, which reads, “Pick a man you see a future with,” Mackenzie decides it must have something to do with aliens. If one were to weigh the odds, it’s pretty safe to assume the date involves a UFO sighting. Because that’s definitely something you can plan.
So which lucky fella gets to join Mackenzie on her trip to another realm? That’d be Justin, mostly because he also has a kid and Mackenzie’s never dated a guy with a kid. Well, other than her kid’s dad. (Yeah, it doesn’t count when you share the kid.)
Just as Mackenzie gets Justin out of base camp, Jaclyn enters. Hailing from Ben’s season, Jaclyn is not a robot, though I spent a solid minute thinking she was the “futuristic” part of Mackenzie’s date card. But it turns out that’s just her
All I know is Jaclyn’s here, and she’s ready to disrupt the peace. Although I’d like to point out that any man she asks out would have to say yes, so I’m not sure why everyone’s acting like she has so much power.
But we’ll get to Jaclyn in a second. First, we have to follow Mackenzie and Justin on the world’s weirdest date. No, it’s not voodoo. And no, it’s not S&M. What it is is a painful encounter with Justin, Mackenzie, and a poor man who only speaks Spanish as he tries to walk them through a half-naked ritual that involves putting mud on each other and maybe getting married?
All I know is that the show must have a beef with this guy to give him Mackenzie and Justin as the two people he has to work with. The only upside? This quote from Mackenzie: “Am I being sacrificed tonight? Because I’m definitely not a virgin.”
Heading back to base camp, Mackenzie is positive that Justin is not only her husband but that they might be Mexican citizens now. “If we have kids, I don’t think that means our kids are Mexican because neither of us are Mexican.” God Mackenzie, everyone knows it’s “neither of us IS.”
But by the time Mackenzie says she believes in mermaids, Justin decides he better find somebody who can divorce them.
NOW we can get back to watching Jaclyn scare everyone. According to her, her options aren’t exactly plentiful when it comes to which man she could take on a date. So far, all she sees are “Kaitlyn’s rejects,” including the welder who “can’t construct formal sentences.” I’m sorry. What’s a formal sentence?
NEXT: Ashley I gets her man
But when Jaclyn sets her sights on trying to convince Jared that he’s not all that into Ashley I, Ashley sets off to find Chris Harrison, who permanently resides in the driveway? I need a spin-off!
Ashley asks Chris for an overnight date card because tonight is “literally do or die.” Translation: She’s either going to “do” Jared or kill him.
Just as Jared is about to potentially accept a date with Jaclyn, Ashley swoops in with her shiny date card. Choosing her words very carefully—but really not at all—Ashley asks, “Jared, you wanna come with me?”
Jared’s in! (Well, you know what I mean.)
While Ashley gets ready, Tanner asks if Jared would take Ashley’s V-card, but he says he’s still trying to play everything by ear. As for Ashley, I’ll leave you with this: “He doesn’t know me on the inside yet.”
And 100 points to the producers for that visual of a flower blooming just as Ashley decides that she “may not be a virgin tomorrow.” Sorry Jaclyn, some guys like belly button rings.
Let’s just hope Jared never sees this footage of Ashley I asking if her eyelashes are bones.
With that, let the countdown to the finale begin! I will see you all next week. Until then, I’ll be writing an apology to the man who “married” Mackenzie and Justin.