It’s officially the end of summer, rose lovers. Sure, Big Brother is still on. Sure, it was nearly 90 degrees (and 140,000 percent humidity) in New York City this weekend. But when a Bachelor spin-off airs its season finale—whether it’s Bachelor Pad, Bachelor in Paradise, or Cody and Chris’ Workout Fun Times, Great Job!—it’s essentially time to put on your chunky knits and start drinking pumpkin spice lattes.
Our final episode opens with the Bippers anxiously milling around the Tiki Huts, puzzling over what the “big” “change” Chris Harrison teased could possibly be. Eventually the host strolls into the sitting room, letting the flimsy plywood door slam behind him. “These relationships are about to be put to the test,” he warns the contestants. Their challenge, should they choose to accept it: Talk about whether or not they want to keep their relationship going outside of Paradise, or do they just want to pretend that they want to keep their relationship going outside of Paradise so they can milk a few more days of free vacation out of Team BiP? The third option: “If you feel at the end of that conversation that it’s not there, you need to break up, pack your bags, and leave Paradise,” explains Harrison. “Don’t fool yourselves, don’t fool each other, and don’t try to fool me.” (Seriously, guys—don’t try to fool Chris Harrison. You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry.)
For some, it’s an easy question to answer—”I absolutely want to bring this relationship home with me,” says Sarah—while others find the prospect of thinking beyond the next margarita daunting. “So, like, I have to decide if I’m gonna marry him right now?” wonders Michelle aloud. Of course you do, Michelle. Haven’t you been paying attention?
Step right up and take your bets, rose lovers. Six couples will enter the Relationship Assessment Arena—how many will leave intact? If Michelle Money has her way, at least one woman will be taking the slow boat back to Lonelyville, USA: AshLee. “I don’t think she’s genuine,” Michelle tells Graham. “I don’t think she’s right for you.” Can someone tell me why Michelle and Graham don’t just get married? Even if their relationship didn’t work out the first time, she obviously still loves him. And not for nothing, Graham, but you’re 35 years old—I’m surprised Bachelor Nation hasn’t gone all Children of the Corn on your ass already. The clock’s ticking!
Anyhow, Graham knows what has to be done—so let’s all say a quick prayer for the guy as he heads to the beach to dump AshLee. “I just don’t think I can continue on, and I’m sorry,” he says, as AshLee rolls her false-lash-laden eyes. “I knew it,” she snaps. “It was way too good to be true.” Miraculously, though, she does not pound Graham’s skull into a pulp with a coconut—instead, AshLee quietly shames her showmance for not being “honest and open” about his concerns. She even hugs him before walking away. Is he seriously going to make it out of this breakup alive? I suppose technically that’s better than a violent confrontation but still… bummer.
NEXT: Overnight express