Just one… more… week, rose lovers. If Chris Harrison hadn’t told us so in his blog last week, I wouldn’t have believed it. As one astute commenter pointed out, there are so many Bachelor/Bachelorette rejects—all of whom seem to have extremely flexible work hours—that Bachelor in Paradise could theoretically go on as long as Coronation Street. Thankfully, our long tropical nightmare is about to be over.
In the case of Michelle Money, though, it’s just beginning. “Right before the rose ceremony, Cody told me he’s in love with me,” she tells Team BiP, pausing for the impact of that statement to sink in. “It’s just too much for me.” Seriously, Cody—don’t you know Marcus and Lacy are hogging all the premature love in Paradise? (“They’ll definitely get married,” says Sarah. “They’ll have tan babies.”) They’ll also definitely get the first date card this episode—a trip to Dos Ojos Cenotes, a lush expanse of jungle with an underwater cave system. Somehow, this makes Lacy think of dinosaurs. “I like Try-on-isaurus Rex,” she declares, citing the little known, tiny-armed dinosaur that really liked to shop.
Hey you two! Over here! Yes, your date continues at the bottom of this deep, dark hole, which is in no way a metaphor for anything about your relationship! Once inside the cave, you just know Team BiP is trying to fill time when they spend a full 28 seconds on footage of Lacy trying to pronounce “stalactites” and “stalagmites.” Also, do the producers hate Lacy and Marcus? Why else would they send them to a scary cave filled with hideous bats? Throw in a great white shark and some tarantulas and this date would be one-stop shopping for all of my phobias.
“Today’s date, I wanted it to be showmantic and intimate, but we hear these bats, hundreds of them, and she’s terrified,” says Marcus. (I listened three times: He said “showmantic.”) Here’s an idea, pal: If you don’t want bats to freak out, stop shining the spotlight on them! But, you know, facing fears brings people closer, blah blah blah. Case in point: Lacy finally spits out the l-word.
Holy cow, that’s a seriously flawless Warrior pose—Cody’s pretty flexible for such a bulky guy. That should serve him well when he curls up into the fetal position after watching this episode and hearing Michelle say, “I’m still just like, ‘What’s your last name again?'” Ouch. Also having doubts: Sarah. While she still really likes Robert, there’s a new arrival in Paradise, and he’s finally washed his hair. Please welcome Brooks Forrester! “I really wanted Brooks to come to Paradise,” she admits. “I’m physically attracted to him.” Naturally Brooks, who has a date card, is “drawn” to Sarah as well, but Robert isn’t about to let that happen: “If you ask her, I’ll kill you.” Awwww, it’s so adorable when he tries to be tough.
So Brooks and Jackie head off to Casa Banana, where he impresses her with serviceable Spanish skills, and she wins him over with her “good disposition” and general hotness. “I will admit sometimes she was talking and I was, like, looking at her and I wasn’t even listening,” says Brooks. No worries, pal—she gets that all the time. After whipping Brooks’ butt in foosball, Jackie lets him give her a peck on the cheek. Still, he’s pleased: “It’s like, ‘I like looking at your face. I also like hanging out with you, and I thought the date went really well.'”
NEXT: Christy leaves her fate in “God’s hands”