”The Apprentice”: Tips for the contestants
Aaaah, there is nothing to do but ramble this week, after one of the most heated tasks in Apprentice history ended with one of the most boring firings of all time: Angela, who Trump loved for no reason other than not wanting to be perceived as a terrorist for voting off an Olympian, finally went home. Thank God. She was wasting space and bothering me. Don’t bother me, Apprentici! I will devote all of my mental energy to thinking of ways you can fail, and then, when you slap on roller skates and whine about competition not being fair, I will psychically crush you and dance on your metaphorical grave! Was it fair when the U.S. beat the Russians in hockey back in 1980? No! It was not! It was all those poor Soviets had to live for (or so I was told in my very anti-Commie elementary school)! But they persevered and I’m sure have since beaten us in a team sport! Angela! When you get knocked down, you need to stand up and stand up stronger! Or insert your own cliché here! Whatever!
Lemme see if I can set the scene: We came into this week with unbalanced teams, and so Arrow project manager James was tasked with sending someone over to the losery women’s side. Instead of opting to trade the hollering of Frankie Suits or the stoic silence of Crush Your Enemies Stefani, he gave himself a choice of lovebirds and shipped out darling Nikki. She threw down three snaps in a Z formation and headed for the backyard, and then used her ”energy” to apparently hypnotize poor Kinetic PM Angela into thinking that spending a day selling season passes outside Universal Studios while wearing Rollerblades was a good idea. I wish I could say this worked in the gals’ favor, but sadly, the ladies got trounced by the thousands and thousands of dollars made at Arrow’s kiosk. Let this be a lesson to all you entrepreneurs out there: Sound travels faster than short skirts on skates, and the types of people who frequent the Universal Studios theme park seem attracted to loud noises. Yet another persuasive argument to start carrying a megaphone with me everywhere I go.
Now. Some tips!
Tim: Your showmance — oops! I mean girlfriend — Nicole is pissed at you. Why? It’s quite simple. She is pissed not because you didn’t offer to sacrifice yourself and join Team Estrogen, but because when James chose her to go, you didn’t even pretend to care. (No, pawing at her head in the other room did not count.) Then she got even madder after your first conversation through the hedge, when you were drunk and displayed the sensitivity of the late Jack Palance’s face. Trust me, Tim: If your showmance/girlfriend has won the sympathy of Heidi the Fembot, that means the situation is dire and you need to grovel. And when your showmance/girlfriend says, ”Don’t you dare try and kiss me through the bushes,” that means Kiss her through the bushes, you moron.
Ladies of Kinetic: You have been losing a lot lately, and you are going to continue to lose until you realize that crisp, clean competence cannot triumph over loopiness. You’re quite intelligent and all, but why do you think Stefani — the last chick standing on Arrow — keeps her mouth shut? It’s because anything she chooses to say at this point would run the risk of derailing the crazy train, and that would mean certain doom. So Kristine? Heidi? You’re the only true remaining Kinetichicks. And as long as you continue to force a veneer of professionalism onto these proceedings, you’re gonna keep getting picked off until no one is left, and then it will be Frankie Suits dancing on your metaphorical grave, and I can think of nothing more demeaning. Want to get back on track? That’s easy. Steal Frankie’s beer. Then drink it.
Nutcakes of Arrow: Don’t lose your loopiness! As Tim himself put it, maybe it’s time to reevaluate who the stars are. Considering that this is not, as originally stated, a real job interview (that concept went out the window somewhere in season 3), it looks like style is going to continue to triumph over substance, and just sitting in the boardroom and saying articulate things (ha ha, like that ever happened) isn’t enough anymore. Anyway, Ivanka’s got that base covered. Speaking of, way to show up with 15 minutes left in the task tonight, Ivanka! We feel graced by your vocabulatory presence.
Couple final points: I really enjoyed the handy plug for the charter helicopter service that provided tonight’s tour-of-the-city-by-sky award (now 100 percent less gratuitously patriotic!), and I’d like everyone to know that, should I ever require the service of a charter helicopter, I am going to try really hard to remember whatever company Trump said. Furthermore, I am willing to trade all of my future helicopter rides for a respite from Donald’s constant recent references to things being ”like a dog.” If we’re not getting fired like a dog, we’re getting dropped like a dog, and I think that is mean to puppies. Next, I would like James, who I used to find quite charming, to shut the hell up. I would also like the Big D to work on his listening skills, so that, in the future, he might avoid conversations like the one he had with Angela tonight: ”Make a stronger case to stay.” ”Well, I…” ”You need to make a stronger case.” ”Yes. I really…” ”I just don’t know why you’re not making a stronger case.” ”I’d like…” ”Make a stronger case!”
And finally, I would like the world to know that since The Apprentice is apparently the ”No. 1 Show on Television,” I must from now on insist on being referred to as the ”No. 1 Writer on the Internets.” Thank you.
How you holding up, ducklings? No, really: I tried to think of compelling questions to kick off this week’s discussion and came up dry, so I say we all just talk about our lives. Me, I’m thinking about getting a rabbit. You?