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''The Apprentice'': The teams get a sweet deal

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The Apprentice
Surya Y.: Mitchell Haaseth

The Apprentice

type:
TV Show
Current Status:
In Season
run date:
01/08/04-04/15/04
performer:
Heidi Bressler, Katrina Campins, Jessie Connors, Amy Henry, Kwame Jackson, Carolyn Kepcher, Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth, Troy McClain, Bill Rancic, Robin Himmler, George Ross, Sam Solovey, Nick Warnock

”The Apprentice”: The teams get a sweet deal

Hello, loyal Apprentice watchers. Whitney is busy reporting on the Grammys, so I’m sitting in for her, Sean Yazbeck style.

The word of this week is absurd, to be pronounced ”ub-surd!” and repeated endlessly while hmphing really loudly right afterward. The episode was designed to make viewers (or maybe just me) feel like there is absolutely no sense of justice in the world.

Why is it, exactly, that I feel so betrayed by Aaron’s firing? As project manager of the losing team, he was expected to go. Still, I felt the loss was unfair. Perhaps it was that Kinetic’s new project manager, Aimee, looked like a sad sack of lame. Or could it have been the fact that the whole of the show involved making Arrow look like cheerful champs and Kinetic look like a bunch of losers, only to turn it around and put Aimee (”I have to stand and watch the cart sit still”) in the boardroom next to Trump?

Let’s go through the night’s events, shall we? Trump took a trip to Minnesota to speak at a seminar, leaving the eyes and ears job to Sean. No biggie. The task involved harvesting, bottling, and selling honey for Sue Bee Honey (formerly known as Sioux Bee Honey because it was founded in Sioux City, Iowa). Standard stuff.

The teams split up, with some members staying at the plant to get organized while others helped with harvesting. Arrow’s Stefani, scared out of her wits, poor thing, still managed to pull herself together and fully participate in the process of smoking out the bees. Kinetic’s Derek got stung a bunch through his suit; it’s a good thing he’s not allergic.

Meanwhile, Aimee sat around at the Sue Bee offices and came up with nothing. Aaron, Surya, and James were assigned to establish a marketing plan, and we were subjected to Surya’s superfluous gusts of verbiage, otherwise known as too many buzzwords. Surya: Reasons to believe! Unique selling proposition! Versatility angle! Revenue maximization! James: ”You mean, making money?”

Of course, none of the footage showed either team coming up with any semblance of an organized plan. (It amazes me that they managed to sell anything at all — people must really be suckers for cameras. Oh, I’m on TV? Sure, I’ll buy the poison you’re selling.)

Next came the bottling. It’s official. There is no honey-bottling class at Harvard. Nicole, in an increasingly free display of affection for her honey bunny Tim, squealed something about how cute he was as he continued to mess up his one task on the bottling line. One big group hug for Arrow! We like each other! We really like each other!

On the big sell day at Ralph’s, Aimee ”the Thinker” became exponentially lamer as she shopped around the store for who knows what and then passed off more work so she could get coffee. Kristine astutely observed that Kinetic would suffer if they won, seeing as how Aimee will stay project manager. I felt her pain. Frustrated, Derek put on his bee suit, Angela exploited her Olympic-gold-medalist status, and the team’s sales started picking up.

Arrow kept having fun times together. Tim touched Nicole’s knee, and she felt a gigantic shiver in her soul. Surya struck a sour note with Stefani, and Aaron stopped working for some reason. Still, I was prepared for another win for Arrow.

But since there is no logic to the world or to this show’s twisted editing, I should have known better. (Somebody wants Donald Trump to run for president? Please — the White House would become Trump Palace.)

Kinetic got to go to play basketball (anybody noticing a gender bias?) under the coaching of Phil Jackson (”He’s a lot taller in person!”), Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, and James Worthy. I think Kinetic collectively made one basket, but they sure did get pumped about being a team!

Arrow, on the other hand, turned on Surya, who saw it coming. The scaredy-cat decided he needed his old team’s help (”Facing Aimee in the boardroom can only help me”) and had an over-the-hedge meeting with Derek, who then interrupted Aimee’s tanning session to tell her what she needed to do. ”I will not let him go down,” she said. Absurd!

And then, the boardroom, one of the more frustrating of the season. Trump teased Tim and Nicole about their puppy love, telling her not to break his heart. Absurd, yet mildly amusing. Aimee, on the other hand, cranked up the absurdity by suddenly having an opinion that was supposed to matter. Exsqueeze me? Please, somebody please shut her up!

Surya kept trying to pull his Aimee card, attempting to ”defer” to her for her opinions on his sales abilities. It was disgusting. I know sketchy stuff like this happens all the time in real life, and maybe that’s the way to get ahead, but this is reality TV, and we see you!

That’s right, Surya. We all saw you act like a total weenie, including Trump. If the next one to go isn’t you or Aimee, the absurdity will have reached a new high.

TV Watchers, what do you think? Is Surya the wrongful recipient of my frustration? Did Aimee do a good job in the boardroom? And why is this gosh-darn kiss taking so long to get here?