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''The Apprentice'': Bizarro goodness!

On ”The Apprentice,” the candidates try promote a new luxury car, but the Kinetics mainly showcase their own self-destructive tendencies

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The Apprentice
The Apprentice: Mitchell Haaseth

The Apprentice

TV Show
Current Status:
In Season
run date:
Heidi Bressler, Katrina Campins, Jessie Connors, Amy Henry, Kwame Jackson, Carolyn Kepcher, Omarosa Manigault, Troy McClain, Bill Rancic, Robin Himmler, George Ross, Sam Solovey, Nick Warnock

”The Apprentice”: Bizarro goodness!

Dammit, ducklings, every time I’ve stuck a fork in this show, it flips over and bleeds a little more in the oven and I have to admit that maybe it’s not done. I came in tonight ready to whip out a masterful contingency plan in order to keep this TV Watch interesting, but it’s gonna have to wait another week, because I can’t bring down the hammer after an episode that was so chock-full of bizarro goodness. Let’s just go down the list:

1. They replayed last week’s Aimee-go-bye-bye scene, complete with what Derek called her ”eyes of death” as she got into the Lexus to drive away. (Did someone say Lexus?) ”It was like the ending of The Omen,” said Derek, in the first of many amazing things he’d say over the course of the evening.

2. The project managers were decided: Surya would reprise his role for Arrow, which had James, Frank, and Tim plotting a coup (”coup” = 50 bonus points), and Jennifer, a.k.a. ”Jenn,” a.k.a. ”I Thought You Were Christine,” nominated herself at Kinetic. Derek declared her to be ”the last piece of riffraff” and looked forward to getting her fired.

3. Randal showed up. Although he may have been turned into a robot.

4. The teams met on Rodeo Drive to learn about their task, which, surprise!, involved a Lexus. They were to plan an ”owner experience for preferred guests,” which I take to mean ”something for old rich people to do with their spare time between trips to Palm Springs.” Trump explained the task while standing 20 feet away from the Apprentici, and it suddenly occurred to me that maybe if they put everyone a little closer together, he wouldn’t have to holler all the damn time.

5. Surya provided the annual ”Really, What Is It With Corporate Types and White Boards?” moment by filling an entire wall with nonsense as the rest of his team did the actual work.

6. Go-karts!

7. ”What’s this made of?” — Heidi.

”Wood.” — Car Guy.

8. ”Tim and Nicole’s relationship is making them suck.” — James.

9. Angela provided the annual ”If We Don’t Get This Graphic Design Done in Time, It Might Not Be Ready Tomorrow Morning!” moment by funnying about with signage while Derek plotted her demise. (”Debacle” = 75 bonus points.)

10. Surya, Tim, and Nicole provided the annual ”Let’s Stay Here and Pick Out Clothes While the Rest of Our Team Works” moment.

11. The battery went dead because everyone was using the massager too much. No, if you weren’t watching the show, I’m not going to contextualize that for you.

12. Elderly people! Riding go-karts!

13. ”He’s like Yanni on crack.” — Derek, on the magician Kinetic hired to give their event that special something that even go-karts cannot bring.

14. ”I will crush him.” — Stefani on Surya, should he choose to blame her for their in-no-way-imminent loss.

15. Dude, that car can parallel-park itself? That is insane.

16. ”They dug deep when it was game time. They put their game faces on for the game, and then they played the game, because they’re all gamers.” — An approximation of Surya’s assessment of his team’s performance in the task.

17. Trump is proud of Tim and Nicole for sucking face.

18. Arrow’s presentation? Polite and well organized, receiving a score of 94 from the rich oldies. Kinetic, on the other hand? ”Lacked learning opportunities,” and their go-karts ”didn’t feel like Lexus.” (Lord, I should hope not.) Their score = 84. Arrow wins! 19. Trump said, ”Fo shizzle.”

20. Snoop Dogg provided the annual ”Your Reward Is to Awkwardly Hang Out Near a Musician and Write and Record a Very Bad Song” moment. (Ladies! If you see us in the club! Freakin’!) ”I think we all suck at rapping,” said Stefani, in a shocking display of self-awareness.

21. Trump said, ”Fo shizzle.”

22. Meanwhile, back around the campfire at Tent City, Heidi did her best to look disappointed at not having to spend her night painfully holding back looks of snooty disdain while in Snoop Dogg’s presence.

23. Even the clouds stop for the boardroom.

24. ”I’m white trash.” — Derek.

25. Trump fired Derek for saying, ”I’m white trash.”

26. Trump fired Derek — who has long been one of the only reliably intelligent and likable individuals on this season’s show-tastrophe — for saying, ”I’m white trash.” Now. I know that phrase is controversial, but I had no idea irony and humor were under the gun as well. I am prepared to call this The Most. Egregiously. Cockamamie. Dismissal. Ever. Let’s see your booming commercial announcer tackle that one, NBC!

26.5 Without Derek’s built-in snarky comments, I’m gonna have to work a lot harder here.

27. Randal exercises his human right to talk too much in the boardroom, gets shushed by Trump, transforms back into a robot.

28. Someone still has to really be fired! And it’s obvious it’s gonna be Jenn (even though I would not have complained had Angela, who we shall now refer to as ”Mumbles,” gotten the boot). But as Trump is winding up the cobra, he says the team doesn’t respect Jenn…

29. …And she stops him. And says, wait wait wait, I know you’re gonna fire me, but come on, do you guys really not respect me? And all the ladies — ’cause that’s all that’s left of Kinetic, is ladies — say, no, honey, you suck, but we totally respect you!

30. ”Okay, they respect you. And Jennifer, you’re fired.” — Trump.

31. I have never, ever, in all my years, seen someone take being fired that well. Jenn’s trip to the curb included cheerfully thanking everyone in the boardroom, cheerfully bidding her teammates goodbye, getting a group hug that Heidi actually ran to be a part of, and cheerfully banging her bag down the steps to get in the (OMG, what a coincidence!) Lexus to go home.

32. ”It’s okay. This suitcase is falling apart anyway.” — Jenn.

And there ya have it, ducklings: 32 reasons why the masterful contingency plan remains shelved. Tune in next week to see them blow all the good will they just accumulated, and find out how we’re gonna keep ourselves busy for the rest of the season. Meanwhile, why don’t you use the comment space to let me know what you would buy if you Got Rich With Trump. Me, I’m heading straight to my Lexus dealer. I hear they sell go-karts now!