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America's Next Top Model recap: I'm Walkin' Here!

The models strut down Rodeo Drive, and Ann takes one more step toward victory

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Top Model Ann DeMarcheleir
Patrick Demarchelier/Pottle Productions Inc.

America's Next Top Model

TV Show
Current Status:

Think high fashion. Think Vogue Italia. Think energetic and unique; daring and special. Think…Walmart. Recordscratch! If only consumer dissonance were enough to make this season exciting. Here’s a protip, reality show producers: When the host, creator, and one of the EPs of your show says, during an episode, “you’re making this so not interesting!,” that’s a bad bad sign. But let’s start at the very beginning. It’s a very good place to start.

Bang! Crazy expansion! Density! Solar systems! Primordial soup. Single-cell organisms. Sea creatures take to the land… Okay, okay, I’ll cut to the modeling. I’m resorting to jokes about the origins of the universe, you guys — that’s how little there is to say about this episode. (Next week, I’ll do all my pangea material. Tip your waitress, etc.) It wasn’t a bad episode, or a headscratcher like last week: It was just…blah. At what point can a contest show invoke the mercy rule and just let everyone else go home?

We started with Kayla getting what we’re going to start calling “the adios edit.” When someone has the first confessional of the episode, when she goes on and on about how badly she wants to win, when she gets more but not better screentime than the other modeltestants, it’s time to be afraid.

Ann confessionalized that her confidence was soaring thanks to finally believing that she was beautiful. She didn’t seem all that confident, but it’s really tough not to root for her.

This week’s challenge: Go to Walmart and form a union. I’m sorry, I meant go to Walmart, sit in a tent, and shill for Cover Girl. How easy and breezy. The women were broken up into teams of three, and each group had to demonstrate some aspect of superior eye-makeup nonsense. The whole thing seemed sort of weird and degrading, and it was made all the moreso by Nigel sleazily getting the crowd to talk shizz about the women. His weird glee at showing the contestants their critiques seemed mean. Also, Derek Blasberg was there.

Kacey, Esther, and Kayla won the challenge, thanks partially to Kacey’s solid presentation skills. Oh, she was hellaciously irritating, but she knew exactly how to work the crowd. Liz was jealous and grumpy, and whined “I could have won, but I’m not fake.” Uh, learn how to get fake, Liz! It’s called “marketing,” and no one cares about how “real” you are. It’s not America’s Next Top Honest Person. (Can we please have that show, though? ANTHP could have, say, ethical challenges about balancing honesty with kindness [do you tell someone their outfit is unflattering?], or whether you tell someone if you cheated on them [it only makes you feel better!]. Call me, CW powers that be. Let’s be the change we want to see, etc.)

NEXT: Mypos or bust