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America's Next Top Model recap: Touched by an Angel

Makeover week and a double elimination in one episode? Tyra, you’ve done it again…

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Lexie Top Model
Keith Major/The CW

America's Next Top Model

TV Show
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Oh, makeover episode, you are my favorite. The tears, the weaves, the inherent poetry of beauty through transformation — pinch me! No, please, pinch me to wake me from the living nightmare that was Tyra’s high-waisted suspender get-up. Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself.

We opened this week with Sara showing off pictures of her son Caden (Kayden? Caytin? Kaeden?), and she and Liz commiserated about being away from their children for the show. “I sucked freakin’ ass in the photo shoot [last week],” Sara moaned, and she insisted that she wasn’t another boring white girl. Time will tell, Sara.

And then, gasp, Tyra came over! First she asked about farts — really —  and then she told the modeltestants that it was makeover week! Finally! She rattled off some vague descriptions of what everyone would get, and then she told Chelsey they were going to widen the gap in her teeth. Holy moses. It’s not the first time ANTM has delved into the world of orthodontia (miss you, Joanie), but Chelsey’s enthusiasm did surprise me. Also, she doesn’t not look like Dennis Leary. But five points for Chelsey’s can-do attitude.

Tyra then decided to leave the contestants with a bit of inspiration, so she showed off her 1990s runway strut. Why did no one care that she was wearing high-waisted skin-tight capri pants with suspenders by Haus of Urkel? (Or perhaps she was wearing Stefan Urquelle. It’s hard to tell the difference.) I fell to my knees and screamed like Dylan McKay, but none of the models seemed to care.

Lexie confessionalized that she liked “pulling pranks,” so she, Ann, and Rhianna decided to make a fake list of the upcoming makeovers, and then let the other girls flip out over their anticipated looks. Except Lexie was lying, certainly to us and maybe even to herself. She doesn’t like pranks. She likes attention. She wrote that she’d get a crazy makeover, and then proceeded to flip the hell out to the point where the other women were fawning over her and trying to comfort her. I strenuously dislike Lexie, but before we write her off completely, I feel like maybe she deserves a sit-down talk. Lexie, meet me at camera two.

Look: You said in the audition round that you’d been on your own for a while, and that you didn’t get along well with your mom. That sounds hard! But the camp counselor in me has to tell you: the way to make friends is to be a friend. This queen bee shtick? It’s toxic, not to mention annoying, and it’s creating a cycle in which you believe the way people prove they care about you is by paying attention to you in the most base sense of the term. This isn’t the attention you want! Drama only begets more drama. Watch Mean Girls, maybe watch an episode or two of If You Really Knew Me (I am so obsessed with this show!), and get those elf ears screwed on straight.

Whew, back to it. “The makeover list was a great success,” Lexie bragged. “We’re never telling anybody.” Well, oops.

NEXT: Bring on the weaves!