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'America's Next Top Model' recap: You don't have to put on the red light

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America's Next Top Model
Jim De Yonker

America's Next Top Model

type:
TV Show
Current Status:
Pending
seasons:
16

‘America’s Next Top Model’ recap: You don’t have to put on the red light

Well, it looks like you can take the hoochie out of Amsterdam. After having spent ten weeks trying to prove she wasn’t all sass and ass, Sheena, conveniently enough, managed to hit her Top Model-career low point last night in the dirtiest city of them all. And it’s a damn shame: I’m truly sad to see Sheena go, as I was a big fan of her hussy antics — beam straddling and all. Plus, she proved herself a gracious loser: The girl might have been dirty, yet she showed nothin’ but class while walking out the door. (By the way, if you’re wondering, your regular America’s Next Top Model TV Watcher, Mandi Bierly, will return next week. So you’ll have to bear with me today, friends!)

Let’s rewind to the beginning of last night’s episode. Having recovered from saying goodbye to Joslyn last week, the “Super Sexy Six” jetted off to Amsterdam. After landing, our models were greeted by Daphne Deckers, the host of Holland’s Top Model, a show that I imagine involves a lot of clogs, windmill-themed photo shoots, and girls who struggle with eating not enough pannenkoeken (…and that’s the extent of my Dutch knowledge, folks). As always, there was a catch: In order to move into their new home, the models — divided into pairs — had to find it themselves. The first team to the house would be awarded 50 extra frames in their next photo shoot. All of a sudden, Top Model turned into a bizarro, underwhelming version of The Amazing Race, because, come on, we all know that TYRA WANT EMMY.

But Top Model must be going through one heck of an identity crisis, because I could have sworn for a minute that I was watching The Real World: Las Vegas. Once they got to the house — after Elina and Sam won the race — Elina, Marjorie, and Analeigh decided to climb into the bathtub. Naked. Together. I know, I know. What happens in Amsterdam stays in Amsterdam. But soaking in your fellow contestant’s filth? Do not want. (But wait a second: It appears my inner Elina is now telling me that I have to be from Europe to really get why it’s completely normal to bathe naked with your friends. Thank you, inner Elina).

Thankfully, the threesome’s antics didn’t last long, and the girls were off to their next reward challenge. Our models were told that they would pose in windows usually reserved for the city’s prostitutes, but, of course, they would be wearing high-end designer gowns instead of latex. And once again they had to pair up: Sam and McKey were instructed to model like dolls, Marjorie and Sheena were told to bring out their ugly side with their posing, and Elina was forced to channel a giant coffee filter/taco alongside Analeigh. Ultimately, the win was an easy one: Sam and McKey managed to look as creepily porcelain as a Marie Osmond doll and won an honest-to-goodness awesome prize: a trip back to Amsterdam to model for International Fashion Week. I’m guessing Nigel chose to forgo cycle 10’s I’ll shoot naked pictures of you “reward,” since he already saw half of the Super Sexy Six naked at the beginning of the episode.

But it’s not all fun and games. An episode of cycle 11’s Top Model truly wouldn’t be the same without some sort of clash of the cultures between Elina and Sam. This time the two butted heads about prostitution: Elina understood — but recognized that you don’t have to respect — prostitution (you have to be from Europe to really get prostitution, you know), while Sam thought the trade was degrading because, you know, who would show off their body to the world and be willing to put themselves in a situation that would only kill their self-esteem and bring them shame? (Not Top Model contestants, that’s for sure!…right? Bueller?) Honestly, I had just about as easy a time following this argument as I did Nicholas Cage’s Wicker Man, but I did come to one logical conclusion: They’re both idiots.

NEXT: All aboard!

Anyway, let’s get to the shoot. I have to say I was surprised that Tyra opted to give the girls a relatively normal editorial shoot. I thought for sure our Super Sexy Six would have to model under a swinging windmill with the looming danger of decapitation. Or that Tyra would at least force them to pose submerged in a giant vat of lube. But no: This week’s shoot was set on a boat, since the Dutch have a rich history in the shipping industry. The one problem with the relatively realistic shoot, though? Not enough drama. It seemed like every single girl actually pulled one good shot out of her little bum. In fact, the closest thing to drama we saw during the shoot was when Elina zoned out while Jay tried to give her advice (you have to be European to really get why people choose to ignore those with spiky silverish hair).

Still, successful shoot or no, it was pretty clear at the panel which one of our models would have to immediately return to the house, pack her belongings, and go home: Sheena. If her 19th-century-jonkheer-esque pants weren’t enough of an insult to the panel, her shot was lacking strength in the body department, even though the girl did give good face.

McKey, on the other hand, turned out a more-than-stellar pic, and impressed the judges with a crazy chain-mail-plated high-fashion outfit, which she claims she often wears to school. Now, I know the girl’s a fighter, but does she think that dragons will interrupt third-period geometry? Or was she simply preparing herself in the event that Tyra would call together an impromptu Renaissance fair (hey, after last week’s Price Is Right-meets-Japanese-game-show “You’re going to Amsterdam!” announcement, I wouldn’t put anything past our Ty-ty). Either way, McKey rocked it out on her shoot, and picked up the No. 1 photo she had been yearning for the entire competition.

As for the rest: Analeigh proved she’s cycle 11’s dark horse after abandoning her skater moves and picking up the No. 2 photo, Marjorie continued to send out a call for help to nurses nationwide with her scoliosis-friendly hunchback pose, and Elina found herself in the bottom two after Mr. Jay noted she was too controlled in her shoot. And while Sam killed it in her photo, she nearly killed her chances of staying out of the bottom two, thanks to her bizarre choice to model some soccer-mom wear at panel (and I stress soccer mom — I hear hockey moms are dressing a little better these days). And get this: Her getup was so heinous, “for the first time” ever, Tyra couldn’t even make it look better herself (gasp!). Regardless, Sam’s clothing was hardly enough to send her packing, and instead, our little Sheena went on her way. Suddenly, cycle 11 became just a little less fun.

What did you think, TV Watchers? Did Sheena deserve to go home? Are you on Team Elina or Team Sam? And finally, do I have to be European to get why Miss Jay took his pants off at panel?