”Top Model”: New looks, new problems
Pick up your pencils, everyone. It’s time for a pop quiz, Top Model-style!
1. Your name is Victoria, and you’re a history major at prestigious Yale University, but on a whim, you try out for America’s Next Top Model. The best strategy you can come up with is to:
A. Antagonize Twiggy, the contest’s most laid-back judge, by interrupting her whenever she tries to offer constructive criticism. (Sample barb: ”Can I get one thing straight? I don’t have a prickly disposition.”)
B. Make on-camera remarks dismissing the modeling profession as ”absolutely ridiculous,” and correctly using the plural of cactus — cacti! — to try and prove your intellectual superiority over the competition.
C. Scare America with your gnarly eyebrows.
D. All of the above.
2. You are Tyra Banks. (I know, I know…just work with me here for a second.) To ensure that at least one of your 11 Top Model hopefuls cries during the makeover-madness portion of the competition, you:
A. Hire a woman with a most peculiar job title — Weaveologist ”Take It Down” Salon — to violently detach Ebony’s glued-down weave from her head. (Sample taunt: ”Is this on your skin?Is this on your skin?”)
B. Arrive on the scene wearing a boxy green blouse — belted at the waist — and no pants.
C. As a last resort, pull a switcheroo and have Mr. Jay tell Bianca, the season’s most volatile chica, that (oopsy!) she’ll be getting a buzz cut instead of those flowing blonde locks you promised. But not to worry, she can use a ”medical” wig during her photo shoots. (Medical!)
D. All of the above.
3. All of the following statements are true, except:
A. It’s entirely possible that half a dozen Muppets were killed and scalped to create Jenah’s ”ethereal” blonde weave.
B. Sarah was totally justified in worrying she’d look mom-ish once her hair was cut short.
C. By the time Ambreal arrived at panel, her sleek new ‘do looked like it was on loan from a 15-year-old boy with an aversion to grooming.
D. Heather wasn’t completely adorable when she declared, ”I like going like this!” — then proceeded to throw her unscathed locks back with her hands and grin broadly.
4. The minute Saleisha started yapping about how she would never, ever wind up in the bottom two, she ensured all of the following, except that:
A. Her face would be slathered in a freakish pink foundation for her ”what kind of flower are you?” photo shoot.
B. Tyra would pick the most dead-eyed shot from her entire roll of film to show to the panel.
C. Under no circumstance would she be voted ”Cover Girl of the Week” during the month of October.
D. Miss J. would dig deep and find a fresh, funny way to put her in her place during evaluations.
5. The episode’s most glamorous quote was:
A. ”You were not the best baby’s breath you could be.” — Victoria, helping Chantal express her angst and agita following the latter’s meltdown in the ”flower” shoot.
B. “Shhhh!” — Miss J., attempting to silence Bianca’s wig as Tyra told the bald-headed contestant how great she looked without hair.
C. ”I could’ve done a really good job on this shoot if they would’ve just shut up for two seconds.” — Chantal, indirectly admitting she’s unable to follow instructions from more than one person at any given moment.
D. ”The winged eye — it was a big gamble to do a winged eye!” — Crissy ”Wife of Nigel” Barker, congratulating Sarah for winning the nonsensical ”dramatic eye”/”glossy, nude lip” Cover Girl challenge.
6. Which of the following factoids about celebrity hairstylist Ken Paves was conveniently buried last night:
A. He’s done couture shows for Valentino.
B. He’s done couture shows for Versace.
C. He enjoys seeing/making models cry.
D. He created a line of clip-on extensions and wigs called ”Hair U Wear” with Jessica Simpson.
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