Good golly, Miss Molly! Did the Weave Beast poison your brain or what? The flaxen-haired athletic “archetype” (oh, Tyra — you keep using that word, and I do not think it means what you think it means) spent the vast majority of her screen time this week swearing, sneering, and otherwise showing off a spectacularly stank attitude. Luckily, because this sort of thing translates into reality TV gold — did somebody say Gary Busey? — Molly will live to scowl another day, and in an exotic location to boot. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
Before Molly’s less-than-model behavior became a focus of tonight’s episode, Brittani was the one in the hot seat. Last week’s panel — during which Brittani dissed Alexandria and Tyra revealed that Top Model is not a cheertatorship — was apparently so epic that the editors included not one, not two, but three sepia-toned flashbacks to it throughout the hour. Luckily, once Brittani sheepishly apologized to Alexandria, the matter became water under the bridge…for everyone except Molly. “How dumb are you people?” she asked the camera after sniping that she still thinks Alexandria sucks. “Like, buh!” Buh indeed, Molls.
Promptly after the panel, the girls were taken to a “dark art gallery” — which, to my disappointment, contained nary a horcrux. The room’s walls were covered with pictures of the models, as all walls not covered in pictures of Tyra should be. There, the Head Intoxibella herself taught her protégées why portfolios are important and, for good measure, regaled us once again with the story of how she conquered the world of Paris couture when she was just a tiny, fierce fetus. Tyra did all this while switching accents a mere two or three times, which must have truly taken some effort.
Because there were only six wannabes left, it was then time for Tyra to disclose where they would be traveling to experience new, international forms of humiliation. She revealed, via giant novelty word jumble, that this cycle would film its last five episodes in Morocco — a country that’s currently having something of a cultural moment. (Later this season, for example, the Real Housewives of New York City will also take a trip to North Africa.) But while past cycles have always sent a full half-dozen models abroad, this year only five would make the cut. Cue Molly’s death stare.
What’s the best way to determine who’s fit to smize in Marrakech? Why, go-sees, of course! I’ve got to say, though, that I was disappointed that the show sent the girls out to meet and greet designers in Los Angeles rather than waiting to hold the go-see challenge in Morocco — half the fun of this Top Model tradition is watching the contestants struggle to decipher street signs in foreign languages while making their way around a strange city on Vespas, or boats, or elephants. I suppose we’ll have to cross our fingers and hope that while they’re out of the country, the models at least have to film a commercial in Arabic.
NEXT: Go-sees? More like no-sees!