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America's Next Top Model recap: Blond Ambition

The eight models are divided along hair-color lines as the blondes and the brunettes fight it out.

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ANTM Mud
Chris Frawley/The CW

America's Next Top Model

type:
TV Show
Current Status:
Pending
seasons:
16

Ah, the age-old battle between blonde and brunette. Marilyn Monroe or Jane Russell? Betty or Veronica? Lady Gaga or Stefani Germanotta? There are pros and cons to either side: On one hand, gentlemen prefer blondes, but on the other, awesome, laser-watch-toting British agents prefer brunettes. And while blondes have more fun, brunettes are better at more practical matters, like single-handedly screwing in lightbulbs. To be honest, we may never know who will ultimately win this follicular feud, but one thing is clear: It probably won’t be gingers.

The judges have somehow managed to produce a final eight composed entirely of white girls—probably in honor of White History Month, which runs from March 1 to January 31—and which is further split evenly between the two hair colors, so naturally they decided to dredge up old high school enmities and pit them against one another. There was also another major hair development: This was the week when we finally said goodbye to one of this cycle’s most compelling characters. Farewell, Weave Beast, you were too good for this world. All you did was attach yourself to a model, absorb half of her cerebellum, eat two cameramen and a key grip, and threaten Tyra’s family, and suddenly they’re throwing you out in the garbage along with all the pleading letters home Tyra has been intercepting. I’d like to think that you’re in a better place now, running happily in open pastures with other weaves, occasionally being worn by the ghost of Rick James.

Tyra showed up at the house for the first time in about three or four episodes, finally dispelling my theory that she actually lives under the judges’ table. She explained to the contestants that being a model is all about being yourself, especially if yourself is exactly like everyone else. In the spirit of easy taxonomy, she assigned “archetypes” to each of them. Unsurprisingly, these archetypes also tended to match up with the well-known archetypes of reality shows (albeit without “Insane Screaming Frankenstein”), so Jaclyn was branded a Girl Next Door, while Alexandria was called edgy, because like certain sharp edges, she…will…cut…you.  There were more “bombshells” than a military depot, and Brittani was labeled “couture,” which, based on the image of Sessilee Lopez they used, means you’re willing to wear bows larger than the average Newfoundland on your head.

NEXT: I’m gonna live forever, I’m gonna learn how to fly!

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