Beep. Beep. Beep. Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. That is the sound of this cycle just totally dying. There are aspects of it that are fun, I guess, but week-to-week, the thrill is gone. The joy is gone. Ann’s winning streak is over. The photoshoots aren’t strange enough, and the challenges aren’t challenging enough. Why are you hurting me like this, Top Model, when all I’ve ever done is love you and mock you?
We opened on the women rejoicing that Kacey had gotten the boot. Kendal admitted to offering just a tepid handshake when Kacey gave everyone farewell hugs. Bwahaha! Unfortunately for Kendal, she was also getting the adios edit — I knew she was a goner, which robbed the episode of any of its possible “who is going home?” drama.
In other exciting news, Esther exists! And likes to French braid her hair, I guess, given the elaborate plaits she sported throughout the episode. She confessionalized that she keeps Kosher in the house, and that it’s a challenge.
Off to the Grammy Museum, where people have to pretend that Grammys matter. I guess that feeling is both rare and decreasing, so maybe a museum is the right place for it. Liz and Kayla freaked out over the exhibit of Michael Jackson costumes, which seemed a little goofy, given that Kayla was not even born when Thriller and Bad were released. But sure.
The challenge was to break into pairs and dress your partner to be a “Grammy girl.” Miraculously, the pairing-off portion of the challenge elicited zero dramatic response from the modeltestants. Even Mr. Jay was surprised by how smooth the process was, which brings us to one of the annoying truths of reality TV: Sane, likeable people do not make for very good television. On the one hand, ugh, I hate when stupid people act like six-year-olds and whine about everything. On the other, I don’t really want to watch a show called “let’s calmly state our preferences and then reach an amicable compromise.”
Everyone strategized and talked about what they wanted, and then each model was given 10 minutes to raid a fancy store and pull a dress for her partner. It presented certain obstacles, like Jane having “no idea what G boobs, or any boobs, are like,” but she managed to find Esther a dress with straps. Ann had a harder time, though: Chelsey had asked for something black and flowy, and Ann grabbed the only thing she thought fit the description — but it was in a size 12. And Chelsey’s a size 2. Also, kind of a biatch?
Kayla picked out sequined pants for Liz, who was mad, because she wanted a dress, but even she had to admit that the outfit Kayla put together was actually pretty cute. Liz picked out a fun silver dress for Kayla, and they both seemed pleased. Chris and Kendal were both happy with their looks, too, but Mr. Jay and Fake Stan Winston, the head of the Grammys (or something?), thought they looked a little skanky. Esther and Jane look like bridesmaids at the boring-est wedding ever, and Chelsey and Ann both looked kind of awful. I didn’t think Chelsey’s too-big dress was that big a deal — the dress itself looked fine, actually — but that scowl was unflattering. And Ann’s Victorian dominatrix get-up was nine kinds of fun. Anyway, Kayla won the challenge! Way to overcome poverty and homophobia!
NEXT: Let’s all hope John Galliano wasn’t hosting an ANTM viewing party tonight!