Dancers stretch. Musicians tune their instruments. Drag queens reapply lipstick. The familiar rhythm of Queen’s power anthem “We Will Rock You” blasts through the auditorium. And Nick Cannon arrives on stage in a pastel pink suit. Welcome to America’s Got Talent.
“Audition 3” was full of energy, spotlighting gravity-defying tumblers, incredibly gifted children, and enough shirtless men to create an “AGT Men of Season 10” Pinterest board. Ironically, the one guy I wanted to be shirtless kept his abs safely hidden behind his Henley. Call me Michael!
Here’s a rundown of all the contestants, including those who were fully clothed.
Freelusion Dance Company
DJ Smart tells the judges that he is going to use movement to design things in space. He invites us to join him in his imagination. Howard rolls his eyes and plants his feet firmly in reality. When the lights go down, DJ stands on the stage in nothing but tiny little flesh-colored shorts. He begins to move gracefully across the stage, dancing with bursts of light. He’s strong, controlled, and clearly trained. At one point, it looks like he’s flying. Suddenly, he conjures the outline of a woman, and an actual woman appears on stage in the same space. The audience goes nuts. So do the judges. Three cheers for that dude in all black who effortlessly lifted DJ Smart mid-dance! The entire team is going to the next round.
While Heidi tries to convince Mel B. that the word ventriloquist is hard to say, Paul informs the viewing audience that he too wants to win America’s Got Talent just like Terry Fator from season 2. That guy just signed a $100 million dollar contract in Vegas. Surely he needs an opening act, right? Paul presents his sidekick Sam, who chastises the judges for staring. Sam also invites the ladies to join him in his suitcase later. Sam is cute, but Paul is cuter. Plus, his lips never move. It’s a yes from every single judge.
Tao Porchon-Lynch and Vard
Tao is a 96-year-old who was born in India, marched with Gandhi, and was friends with Marilyn Monroe when Tao modeled in Hollywood. She ditches her fur coat and grabs her partner Vard, who just happens to be 70 years younger. I feel that “cougar” does not do this relationship justice. Perhaps Tao is a saber-toothed tiger? Vard flings Tao around in her glittery fringe dress. She has no problem using his butt as bongo drums. Osteoporosis be damned! Tao wins the judges and the crowd. She’s going through.
Alondra is 13 years old and she brought an entire entourage with her as moral support. She admits to the judges that she is extremely shy. Then she proceeds to bring the house down in Spanish. This girl can sing. She becomes emotionally overwhelmed by the outpour of enthusiasm from the audience. I thought for sure Nick would wander out onto the stage to offer her a comforting hug or his silk pocket square. No such luck. Alondra soaks up the accolades while bawling into her neckerchief. Finally Nick sends the family out to rescue the poor child as all judges vote yes. I am compelled to search my apartment for my Rosetta Stone Spanish CDs.
Ellen and Terry
Sweet Ellen and Terry are the best karaoke singers in Oklahoma. They totally rock the stage. And by “rock” I mean they crash and burn miserably while attempting to sing “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.” All four judges push their buttons. Nick saunters out on stage, willing the judges to let the ladies finish the song. Apparently men in lavender suits just wanna have fun too.
Scott is a pizza boy from Kentucky. He rocks a set of hot pink eyebrows, a stylish beard, a bleach blond wig that would make Lady GaGa jealous, and a leopard spandex dress hot off the rack from Forever 21. He owns his look, kills at his audition, and charms his way into the heart of all four judges. The audience loves him too. Scott will go far if he doesn’t choke under the pressure or pass out from wearing Spanx for several hours in a row.
NEXT: Hello Michael the magician