TONIGHT IS THE ULTIMATE TALENT THROWDOWN.
Or so says the scary typeface that kicks off the episode. It’s kind of frightening, and it’s blood red. So clearly we’re getting some drama tonight. They have 80 folks left tonight, and they’ve gotta get it down to 48, which is scary. The good news is, J.Lo has on an amazing gold shirt made of chains.
Solo performances are tonight, now that we’re close to escaping Hollywood Week. First up is Lauren Lott, who, as regular readers know, I don’t understand. Her rendition of “Skyfall” is, in my opinion, the best she’s ever sounded. So I get it now, finally—only took four performances. She gets a standing O from J.Lo.
Oh, Daniel Seavey, how precious you are. Look at his creamy complexion. When Danny Seavey is 23 years old, he’s going to be such a heartbreaker. And he knows it, and he can’t wait. Keith says he’s like “a giggly kid that landed in somebody’s incredibly musical body, and you can’t believe how lucky you are.” That’s a weird thing to say, but it makes total sense. I love Daniel Seavey.
Isn’t it ridiculous when you see contestants who have been in the spotlight for like, .25 seconds, arguing with the crew, technicians, and band coordinator? Big Sexy Ron is arguing right now, and it’s absurd. Listen to the professionals, sir. This is an amateur competition. Ron argues that he’s “been humble the whole time,” which I’d say is true, but it’s not true in this moment.
Big Sexy takes on “Let’s Get It On” (unsurprisingly), and boy’s voice is smooth for sure. I’m not sure that it’s the best we’ve heard him sound, but his personality and charm always give him the boost. OH WAIT. He has the nerve to trash talk longtime musical director Ricky Minor on stage, to the judges, and then even implies that Ricky Minor has short-man complex. What a lousy thing to do, Big Sexy. Mistake, mistake, mistake. You lost me, Big Sexy.
Ugh, Shi. With her crop tops and maxi skirts and Jennifer Beals hair and stupidly spelled name and absolutely gorgeous voice. Shi’s feeling anxious tonight, to the point of hyperventilation. Her take on Etta James’ “All I Could Do Was Cry” is solid, as she has been the entire time. This girl makes me crazy, but let’s be real: She’s gorgeous, insanely talented, and I think she should be a finalist. She gets some tough criticisms, though, so we’ll see.
Hooray for rock ‘n’ roll Jimmy Fallon! Adam Lasher is still good and still seems cool, until you see that giant neon American Idol sign behind him. Whatever, they need him. He’s super hot and super talented and really knows how to wear boots.
First round of elimination is upon us. Of the five we just saw perform, the judges keep Shi, Lauren, and Daniel, and get rid of Ron and Adam, to my sincere surprise. Brush it off, Adam, you’re too cool for this primetime show anyway.
NEXT: RIP psychic cat.