And now American Idol — wondrous benefactor of the Great Future Lady Winner of Season 12 — will begrudgingly show us some guys. As on Wednesday’s show, 10 contestants performed and five were cut, with Interscope chairman Jimmy Iovine craning his turtle head to Seacrest at one point to “tie break” the judges’ split vote on Paul Jolley with a programmed response recited off a TelePrompter. Riveting stuff.
The guys weren’t great, to put it mildly. As Mariah Carey reminded us, the ladies have been doing “uh-mazing……..ly. Woot!”
Johnny Keyser — Vocally I’d have put Johnny ahead of some of the guys who advanced — his cover of “I Won’t Give Up” was on-pitch at least, just boring and without any sort of special energy. Nicki and Mariah loved the fact that he was a real, live man and they would not shut up about his sexy masculinity. They want so desperately for him to be this magical sex unicorn, and he’s just not. Tragic. Still, I think he was held back because the producers knew he could coast on through to the finals with that chiseled face. Sorry, Johnny! You’re too pretty and you need to leave. Again.
I’m sure Nicki’s most profound comment of the evening — “Kudos to you for being nicely, freshly groomed” — will replay in Johnny’s mind forever, a reminder to keep his hair balmed and carry on.
J’DA — Thank God his “Rumour Has It” cover was hilarious to watch, because if you closed your eyes you’d probably back away slowly from the TV and trip over your nearest block of night cheese. Big news: It turns out that I’ve always wanted to watch a man in side-slit aging diva pants and seemingly a sparkle-overlay hairnet writhe around on the sacred American Idol Oval while gazing longingly into the camera and pretending to be a cat. I just didn’t know that until tonight. The judges were only into J’DA’s theatrics, not his voice, and J’DA himself was pretty much on the same page, naming his chief goal as to “glisten and glitter” onstage. I loved the money shot of Mariah perking up at the mention of glitter.
NEXT: Sitting on the Dock of the Disco