Ooooh, boy. What a tepid wreck! Idol must really not want us to give a crap about any of the season 12 guys, based on the Hollywood Round footage we saw tonight. A few people did well, but no incredible standouts emerged as “shocking eliminations shook us to the core” and “dreams were laid to waste.”
In fact, the best part of the night by far was Mariah Carey and her candor — both facial and bodily, mind you.
Boobs toward the light, dahling!
First up: The a cappella round!
“This is gonna separate the men from the boys,” Grandma Jackson assured us.
This first “sudden death” round claimed only a few named victims, including Brian Rittenberry, the bookkeeper with a cancer-survivor wife, and Karl Skinner, the pizza chef whose solo “dance moves” made Mariah visibly sad. He was not great but I am going to miss caffeine hound Karl after this stunning line: “I don’t think I’ve touched anything but Coke today — it’s got me rolling.” That’s the power of drugs, and American Idol sponsors.
Meanwhile, singing doctor Calvin Peters and singing fireman Dustin Watts got the boot. Their coworkers, desperate in a world without song, missed them too much and had written desperate letters to Nicki Minaj’s home planet. That’s just how it works.
One innocent 23-year-old sales associate, Bryant Tadeo, made the mistake of admitting exhaustion, prompting Nicki Minaj to activate a new section of superpowers on the blow-up doll control center on her back: the contestant fakeout! “It’s good that you’re tired, because we’re sending you home and you’re gonna get a lot of time to sleep at home…..I’m kidding!” she cried at Bryant. “Good one!” she then congratulated herself, complete with a fist pump and 45-degree body lean.
Soon enough it was time for The Notorious Group Round, Where Boys Become Men and Weakness Is Not Tolerated. Wake up, slobs!
“And the guys face their toughest challenge yet…BASIC HYGIENE.”
In a “special twist,” Idol honchos Nigel Lythgoe and Ken Warwick got to pick the groups according to vocal range, age, and maximum potential drama. Eff you if you’ve made friends here! Back to square one with you.
NEXT: Okay, not everyone choked